Saturday morning I returned to an email from Dr. Hodges post-poning the Aeroelasticity test until Friday, which means I can sorta breathe about this week now... and write in my blog!
Will agreed to go with me to see the Atlanta Ballet's production of Carmina Burana, which is one of my favorite ballets ever. We went last night (tickets were about as cheap as going to a movie!)
For those who don't know, from a very young age up until around the time I was 13 I was set on being a ballerina. That was my dream, my everything that I lived for. It started in Florida with a tap class. We moved to Georgia and I spent 1 year taking classes at a small dance studio in Dunwoody, after which a teacher sent me to try out for the Atlanta Ballet's Pre-Professional program. I made it and my ballet-filled life began. I trained hard, year round, all the time. Every afternoon my mom drove me downtown for class. I would get home late, eat, do some homework, go to bed, rinse repeat. I had no summers off. Instead of being a school during the summer, I went to ballet school. Dancing almost straight from 8-4pm, go home to soak my feet, get up the next day, rinse, repeat.
I adored it. There's just something about having complete command of your body, of pushing it to the limits, of expressing a million things through movement.
Carmina Burana was not the first performance I had been to since I stopped, but seeing my favorite made me yearn for my life (why... it was harder than this life I lead at Tech?) What hit me the most was seeing this guy... my 10 year old crush, a boy in my level at the program, he is now a soloist with the company. I couldn't help but think... if I hadn't stopped, could I have made it?
Two severe blows are what led to me stopping ballet. The first was not being graduated to the next level. The program had 4 levels. My plan was to spend 1 year in levels 1 and 2, then 2 years in level 3 and who cares how many in level 4. At the end of each summer there were evaluations. I was being evaluated at the end of my 1st year in level 2, I had an awful day. I was nervous, nothing would go where I told it to. I didn't get promoted.
Right around that time the company experienced a big change. Robert Barnett, the director for so, so many years retired... taking with him the rights to all the classical ballets (including The Nutcracker) that I hold so dear. The new director, John McFall, brought his own versions of everything. I was disappointed to not be doing Balanchine's Nutcracker because I knew (as a 2 year veteran of the production) that I would be up for a good part (quite possibly the part of Mary). They held auditions for the 'new' Nutcracker. This director didn't like my dancing, I was cut in the first round.
Not liking the direction that the company was heading in, I auditioned at many other places around Atlanta. Rotaru, several others. All placed me at almost the highest levels within their training programs. I knew I would outgrow those places in just several years; they weren't developed or challenging enough in my opinion.
It was dark that night, in the car on the way home. My Mom was asking me about what I wanted to do. I didn't want to join any of those other programs, they weren't good enough. But I didn't want to return to the Atlanta Ballet. Just like that, my dream was over. All the years of work, all the time, the thousands my parents paid for my training... all gone.
It was a quick moment, I remember my heart stopping when I said it. It made me incredibly sad. As I though more I decided it was a good decision. I, at the time, thought I probably had no chance of having a real career in dance (so few do) and I was lacking that natural talent. I could spend my time on school work, get good grades, make some friends, try something else.
So my next life began. I struggled with weight. Not having to watch what I ate anymore and lacking 4 hours of exercise a day will make you blow up like a balloon. I played on a soccer team. I tested into the accelerated track at my school. I did teenager things on Friday nights, I didn't go see the new production of the Nutcracker. Middle school turned to high school, high school turned to college and all of a sudden I'm graduating as an aerospace engineer from Georgia Tech... who would've known the little girl who had to have ballerinas all over everything would end up in something so removed from ballet.
As I watched my first crush dance, I wondered. His face and hair are exactly the same. He wasn't blessed with natural talent either, although he was better than others at the school. Today he is turning into a great dancer. Big jumps, fast turns, high lifts... they certainly did groom him well. I wonder, could they have done that for me? Would I be there, him lifting me, if it hadn't been for that late night so many years ago? If I had decided to stick with it, realized (as I do now) that spending two years in level 2 was perfectly normal...
... but then I wouldn't have my life that I have now. Time to spend with my family, Friday nights with an amazing man, great roomies, football games, a chance to participate in important studies that lead to legislation and decide how millions of dollars are spent...
I try not to regret my choices because every experience you have makes you the person you are today. I like who I am today, so changing any one moment would change me... who knows if for the better or worse. And I certainly don't regret my life now. I just wonder, could that have been me up there last night...
I think in the spring I will take a ballet class.
Like a waterfall in slow motion, Part One
2 years ago
