Done.

My semester is over. I can't say that it ended well (my gpa will probably plummet), but I also can't say that I tried really hard. And this semester was rough on me and my motivation just wasn't there. So I'm just glad it's over. All that stands between me and my masters degree now is my special topics report and presentation.

Now hopefully I'll have time to catch up. Pay my bills. Upload the hundreds of pictures I've taken at all the cool things I've been doing. And, to write about them. There was Al Gore's speech, the Tour of Georgia, and Talladega this past weekend.

Today marked the beginning of Summer of Speed Part 2. It began better than Part 1 ended in the sense that I went on a group ride that I couldn't finish last summer and completed it. The bad news is I wouldn't have been able to without the help of others to pull me back up there. And that I thought I was going to pass out from riding at a heart rate of 190-195 for so long (my max is 198). It was discouraging because it is a "recovery" ride, but it is faster than any race I've participated in. We'll see how it goes next week.

Now it's time to go wash everything I took to Talladega and rehydrate.

Yesterday

Yesterday was the first completely good (bordering on great) day I've had in a while. Not many ups and downs, no crying spells. Man it felt good. Who knows if it's the medicine or my increased attention to my situation or both.

I'm shooting for 2 in a row.

Now Accepting Applications

"I think it makes a big a difference knowing there's at least one person in the world who has your back, no matter what. It doesn't have to be the same person for your
entire life, but everyone deserves at least one someone."
Everwood

I am now accepting applications for someone who is willing and able to fit this description, with an emphasis on the no matter what.

So far, I've been mostly disappointed by the people who surround me. Many have judged, belittled, made fun of me or have just been plain insensitive. Few have been understanding, patient, and accepting. This has been surprising, especially because of those who I expected more out of.

It'll be a long and hard road, but I have to believe that the ups will be better and more frequent than the downs. It just takes a little faith, some patience, and a lot of love.

Diagnosis

After trying since the beginning of this semester to see a counselor in the GT Counseling center, I finally had my first appointment this past Thursday. Diagnosis? Moderate depression.

There are many things going through my head right now. Why couldn't I have had an appointment sooner? So much would be better right now if I had. I am so full of regret and anger.

The diagnosis in ways has been good and in ways has been bad. Thank god this isn't because I'm a terrible person, thank god I'm not as weak as some think I am. But, on the other hand, I am that weak. And now this will require work for the rest of my life.

Most of my "friends" that I have told have made fun of me in one way or another. I can't blame them, because they don't see the symptoms. I don't show everyone the symptoms, because this will break the illusion of me being tough and strong. At the same time, though, it sucks. They don't understand or don't seem to be sensitive, which makes me feel lonely. And right now, I don't want to be alone.

They think I'm using this to get out of doing my work. Maybe I am, but at the same time motivating myself for every day is extremely difficult right now.

The one who does understand, doesn't want to sacrifice a little right now for better things in the future. That sucks too, but can I blame them? No. How much is too much? Well, I guess I am currently too much. Which helps the process right along.

Tuesday I go to the doctor to get my thyroid checked and to look into potential medication. I'm crossing my fingers about the thyroid, although according to a friend whose sister has similar problems, regulating the thyroid helped but still didn't fix it.

From what I've read, cycles can last for as long as two years. I don't think I've had major bouts that last for more than a few months, and even right now seems mild compared to the middle of Fall semester.

I'm tired and I want the easy solution.

Moral of the Story

I suck.

That is all.

Reasons I'm not a Pro Cyclist...

...and why I'm not sad about it.

Earlier this week I was planning a very long ride on the Silver Comet, perhaps the longest ever. This was a reflection of how much I've been enjoying the time on my bicycle lately and the desire to test my new abilities. Yesterday I canceled the ride because of the forecast weather... below freezing and gusting winds.

Now I'm sitting here inside, nice and warm, watching the coverage on NBC of the inagural US Open Championships. Those guys are riding in the snow today.

As much as I love riding my bike, I'm glad on days like today that I can opt out. Maybe that would change if I were getting paid for it... or maybe not. Hopefully that's not a reflection of my motivation, but a reflection of my desire not to suffer more than I have to.

Not to mention that I'm not nearly fast enough, but hey, that's just a technicality.

My Happiness Project

I have a new favorite website. Some of those articles sound like they could have been written by me. Anyway, after months of being down because of work and life in general, I feel like I'm finally starting to turn the page to a new chapter. Hopefully with the tips from that awesome site, not to mention other sources of help, I'll be able to make things stick.

Here's to my own happiness project.

Update