Why is it that friends are always at their busiest and most stressed when you need them the most? Is this another one of life's little cruel tests? Where is the line between asking a friend to be there and asking too much? Is counting on them a sign of trust, or a sign of being too selfish and demanding?
Is it fair to ask one friend to cancel on plans because you "need" them? What if the person they are cancelling on also needs them? How do you decide? What about asking someone to skip something they enjoy to keep you company? It doesn't seem like a huge sacrifice... or is it?
This week, these past two days in particular, have been difficult.
And lonely.
"I hate when I'm an idiot and I don't know it. I like to be aware of my idiocy, to really revel in it, to take pictures." ~ Gilmore Girls
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Weekend
Friday: Partying in Dalton, a night of several firsts (but I missed my party buddy)
Saturday: Pirates and dinner with some of my oldest, best friends
Sunday: Cookout, Indy and Nascar watching, tennis and pool time
Monday: Ultimate, cookout, beach volleyball, waterslide time
At this point last year I wouldn't have been able to play as well (not that I played well anyway) because I wasn't in good shape. However, I did struggle with endurance. I suppose being a sloth for the past few weeks and having lower energy than usual didn't help.
These are the kind of weekends I live for. And yet, it was still bittersweet. Not everyone who should've been there was there, and their absence was noticed by many.
Saturday: Pirates and dinner with some of my oldest, best friends
Sunday: Cookout, Indy and Nascar watching, tennis and pool time
Monday: Ultimate, cookout, beach volleyball, waterslide time
At this point last year I wouldn't have been able to play as well (not that I played well anyway) because I wasn't in good shape. However, I did struggle with endurance. I suppose being a sloth for the past few weeks and having lower energy than usual didn't help.
These are the kind of weekends I live for. And yet, it was still bittersweet. Not everyone who should've been there was there, and their absence was noticed by many.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Breakthrough
Today, I made a breakthrough. I had fun. Mountain biking. Yep, me. The one who doesn't like mountain biking.
Previously, mountain biking was really tough on me. I wasn't comfortable on it. It was really tough aerobically. My inability to get enough oxygen made me feel dizzy. All the exertion made me feel sick to my stomach.
This was my third attempt to get out there in two weeks. The previous two attempts ended up in me sitting on my butt in front of the tv. But today, I felt a little like myself when I woke up (despite waking up extremely late) so I decided to take advantage and get out there.
I took it easy at first. I thought it was an enormous step for me to just be out there in the first place, especially mountain biking. It's something that even at my best I don't ever really feel like doing. But everything lined up today and I had a good time. My mission was to complete the easy loop in 6 minutes. At first I just told myself that it was a big enough deal for me to be out there and that I didn't have to push if I didn't feel like it. But on my next turn out, I looked down and saw the time and all of a sudden the competitive part of me that had been sleeping for a few weeks woke up and pushed. I ended up finishing that loop in 6:27, the next in 5:48 and the last in 5:19.
I'm really proud of myself, to the point of being ecstatic. And even more excited to feel a little like myself. I'm going to try to grab on to that feeling and not let go. Part of me wonders if it's the new medicine.
To my mountain biking mentor: Your patience and advice helped me to have fun for the first time since I made the semi-large investment in mountain biking. I'm excited that my better fitness, ability to breath and effort have begun to pay off. But more than that, you gave me a glimpse at what I am capable of, at who I really am, and at this time in my life that is invaluable. I look forward to giving some back when I am better.
Previously, mountain biking was really tough on me. I wasn't comfortable on it. It was really tough aerobically. My inability to get enough oxygen made me feel dizzy. All the exertion made me feel sick to my stomach.
This was my third attempt to get out there in two weeks. The previous two attempts ended up in me sitting on my butt in front of the tv. But today, I felt a little like myself when I woke up (despite waking up extremely late) so I decided to take advantage and get out there.
I took it easy at first. I thought it was an enormous step for me to just be out there in the first place, especially mountain biking. It's something that even at my best I don't ever really feel like doing. But everything lined up today and I had a good time. My mission was to complete the easy loop in 6 minutes. At first I just told myself that it was a big enough deal for me to be out there and that I didn't have to push if I didn't feel like it. But on my next turn out, I looked down and saw the time and all of a sudden the competitive part of me that had been sleeping for a few weeks woke up and pushed. I ended up finishing that loop in 6:27, the next in 5:48 and the last in 5:19.
I'm really proud of myself, to the point of being ecstatic. And even more excited to feel a little like myself. I'm going to try to grab on to that feeling and not let go. Part of me wonders if it's the new medicine.
To my mountain biking mentor: Your patience and advice helped me to have fun for the first time since I made the semi-large investment in mountain biking. I'm excited that my better fitness, ability to breath and effort have begun to pay off. But more than that, you gave me a glimpse at what I am capable of, at who I really am, and at this time in my life that is invaluable. I look forward to giving some back when I am better.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Update
The first medicine I tried made me worse. When I mentioned this to friends, they said it was obvious. It was not so obvious to me. I suppose I've gotten so used to not feeling like myself that feeling worse isn't really that noticeable.
In the past couple of days I have been able to get things rolling again, at least sort of. Instead of sleeping all day, I've managed to clean my entire apartment and organize everything for my upcoming move. I even went grocery shopping, which was a large task since it requires 1) leaving the apartment and 2) pretending like I have an appetite.
On the bright side, this is quite possibly the best diet ever. I'm an emotional eater, usually of the overeating type. Lately, even when I'm hungry, I don't feel like eating. And, if I wait long enough, I usually become upset by something else, which takes my appetite away. So now I'm probably eating normal amounts. Once again, the past couple of days I thought were getting better because I craved junk food and I way overspent when I went shopping because everything looked so good.
I can't wait to feel like myself again. I hate wasting the beautiful days, not making progress on my cycling goals, not being able to get up when my alarm goes off, not wanting to be social and go out (despite having friends who are social for the first time ever) and a zillion other things. I feel like almost everything that is me is different, even my neatness standards. It's like a haze of laziness has settled in.
It'll be another week before I can really tell whether this medicine is working, but I'm hoping that having the energy to clean is a good sign. I also continue with my new counselor next week, who I also believe is very promising.
Here's hoping.
In the past couple of days I have been able to get things rolling again, at least sort of. Instead of sleeping all day, I've managed to clean my entire apartment and organize everything for my upcoming move. I even went grocery shopping, which was a large task since it requires 1) leaving the apartment and 2) pretending like I have an appetite.
On the bright side, this is quite possibly the best diet ever. I'm an emotional eater, usually of the overeating type. Lately, even when I'm hungry, I don't feel like eating. And, if I wait long enough, I usually become upset by something else, which takes my appetite away. So now I'm probably eating normal amounts. Once again, the past couple of days I thought were getting better because I craved junk food and I way overspent when I went shopping because everything looked so good.
I can't wait to feel like myself again. I hate wasting the beautiful days, not making progress on my cycling goals, not being able to get up when my alarm goes off, not wanting to be social and go out (despite having friends who are social for the first time ever) and a zillion other things. I feel like almost everything that is me is different, even my neatness standards. It's like a haze of laziness has settled in.
It'll be another week before I can really tell whether this medicine is working, but I'm hoping that having the energy to clean is a good sign. I also continue with my new counselor next week, who I also believe is very promising.
Here's hoping.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Fingers Crossed
I interviewed at Delta yesterday for a fuel systems engineer position. I hope I get it. Everyone there seems very enthusiastic and happy with their jobs, despite it being a semi-high stress environment.
My theory is playing with airplanes every day makes people happy.
My theory is playing with airplanes every day makes people happy.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Benadryl
I had a dream. In this dream, I dreamt that our old, awesome kitty Cougar had died. When I woke up in my dream, my sister told me he was still alive. Then when I woke up for real, he was still alive.
When I told my parents this story, my dad asked if I am on something. Yes, actually. This is a direct result of the grass pollen and the fact that I am practically made of benadryl now.
When I told my parents this story, my dad asked if I am on something. Yes, actually. This is a direct result of the grass pollen and the fact that I am practically made of benadryl now.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I heart NIN
Though it comes as a surprise to some, Nine Inch Nails is one of my most favorite bands and has been since I've been about 13 years old. I always liked the attempt to innovate and go against the establishment.
But now they've gone above and beyond. The new album, Year Zero, is extremely political in nature. It tackles the scenario of a 2022 America without any freedom. And I love it.
Finally they've taken the next step. Finally all that energy goes into more than just being depressed (not that it was wasted on me). Now I remember why I've been a fan for so long. Not to mention that the album is awesome, message aside.
Read about it here.
But now they've gone above and beyond. The new album, Year Zero, is extremely political in nature. It tackles the scenario of a 2022 America without any freedom. And I love it.
Finally they've taken the next step. Finally all that energy goes into more than just being depressed (not that it was wasted on me). Now I remember why I've been a fan for so long. Not to mention that the album is awesome, message aside.
Read about it here.