Today I said goodbye to the lab and all the wonderful (and not so) people that I've worked with there over the years.
Bittersweet. I will miss my research, my cubemate, my coworkers, the flexibility. I will not miss the hours, the stress, the anxiety, the low salary.
Tomorrow, my career starts. The one I've been dreaming of for years. Well, not really... Thursday for real. Tomorrow my team is taking a team building trip to D.C.
How many people get to start a job with a trip?
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
The Downward Spiral
This must be what drowning feels like. Gasping for air, trying to keep your head above water as it becomes harder and harder. Water rushing in around you.
Hypersensitive. Everything cascades. I want to kick and scream and cry and carry on. Who is this crazy girl in my head? I'm tired. It's been months. Fix me already.
Not logical. Bottle it up. So much damage already. Who else will I lose if I let it out? It's lonely inside my head.
Hypersensitive. Everything cascades. I want to kick and scream and cry and carry on. Who is this crazy girl in my head? I'm tired. It's been months. Fix me already.
Not logical. Bottle it up. So much damage already. Who else will I lose if I let it out? It's lonely inside my head.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Mission: Shenanigans in the Bahamas - Accomplished
Friday
In true Danny and Livia traveling style, we cut it pretty close at the airport. To commemorate our Denver trip, we at breakfast at the same place with the late hash browns. Only, this time they weren't late, but our plane was, so we were fine.
Most eventful flight of my life. Seats so small even I felt cramped, which has only happened in a Cessna 152 before. Screaming kids all around. The one behind me keeps reaching behind the seat and kicking the back of my seat. I become irritated. Danny's irritated cause the kids two rows behind are screaming like the plane ride is a rollercoaster. The guy in the row in front of him is in the aisle, and I think what the hell is this guy doing? Then I see him pull out a box, it's a ring. How romantic, to propose on the no-frills low budget airline. But then I see the ring... after that thing, I could see why he might need to save money.
We make our way onto the Royal Caribbean charter and head to the port. Immediately I can tell this ship is nicer than the Carnival one. After a semi-long check-in process, we're on the boat. We immediately buy drinks in flashy cups. Then comes our first lunch, then pool time... with a bucket of beer. We "muster" - nautical language for practicing in case all hell breaks loose. Even this is more organized than the other cruise line. Back up to the deck to watch us pull out. Nothing like the wind in your hair, sun on your face and a drink in hand. Ahhh... vacation.
That night includes dinner with 2 old couples, some comedy, some drinking, some partying, some midnight snacks. Some gambling... this is not a real casino. Danny loses.
Saturday
The people next door are loud. I get up early for breakfast. Danny is not happy about this, but goes with me since he is such a good sport. We change and head up to the deck again. Mango tango in hand, we pull into Nassau. This is better than the time before, no rising at the ass crack of dawn to see the harbor. Not only that, but it's a beautiful clear day.
We go snorkeling. We pick the excursion with the free rum punch at the end. It becomes overcast, there is a storm over Nassau. Evidently God does not want me to be a snorkler. I stay in the water much longer. Fish are gross. Danny is amused that I keep asking him to make them go away. Eventually my approach is not to look, then I won't know if the fish are touching me. On the way back in, the skies clear up.
We wander around Nassau. Danny buys cigars out of a (fake) coach purse at the back of the straw market. I buy a fake coach purse. We're on the hunt for cheap liquor. I succeed in sneaking 1 bottle of rum up to our room, despite being caught.
Naptime, then formal dinner. Meat and wine. More drinking, wandering around. Shooting stars. Latin dancing. Getting down in the "disco" to the crappy dj. My judgement is impaired: I dance to one of those stupid line dances. We go back to the room and exact revenge on the loud people next door.
Sunday
Stupid people next door are loud again. Why does breakfast have to be earlier every day? I go by myself. We can see the parasailing out our window. We take the 'tender' over to Cococay. There is a drunk man, he keeps repeating GO GATORS! Hmm... must be related to Stewart. Floating on mats with a beer in hand... that's paradise.
Parasailing... one of the coolest things I have ever done. They almost don't let us go because of a thunderstorm and reported water spouts. We are the last people on our time to go. Luck is on our side. It's quiet up there, peaceful. Rough landing. Back to the ship.
Naptime, then dinner time, then losing $100 at craps. But I roll for the first time. No beginners luck here. A little dancing, a little wandering, a little more dancing, then an "early" night. It's hard to party hard every day.
Monday
I'm tired from my vacation. Breakfast is too early. I'm sad to leave the boat. Our bill comes, along with a heart attack. Long lines to disembark... I'm tired of people. Too early at the airport... again in true Livia and Danny traveling style. I finish Life of Pi. And start another. Finally, a small seat back to Atlanta.
In true Danny and Livia traveling style, we cut it pretty close at the airport. To commemorate our Denver trip, we at breakfast at the same place with the late hash browns. Only, this time they weren't late, but our plane was, so we were fine.
Most eventful flight of my life. Seats so small even I felt cramped, which has only happened in a Cessna 152 before. Screaming kids all around. The one behind me keeps reaching behind the seat and kicking the back of my seat. I become irritated. Danny's irritated cause the kids two rows behind are screaming like the plane ride is a rollercoaster. The guy in the row in front of him is in the aisle, and I think what the hell is this guy doing? Then I see him pull out a box, it's a ring. How romantic, to propose on the no-frills low budget airline. But then I see the ring... after that thing, I could see why he might need to save money.
We make our way onto the Royal Caribbean charter and head to the port. Immediately I can tell this ship is nicer than the Carnival one. After a semi-long check-in process, we're on the boat. We immediately buy drinks in flashy cups. Then comes our first lunch, then pool time... with a bucket of beer. We "muster" - nautical language for practicing in case all hell breaks loose. Even this is more organized than the other cruise line. Back up to the deck to watch us pull out. Nothing like the wind in your hair, sun on your face and a drink in hand. Ahhh... vacation.
That night includes dinner with 2 old couples, some comedy, some drinking, some partying, some midnight snacks. Some gambling... this is not a real casino. Danny loses.
Saturday
The people next door are loud. I get up early for breakfast. Danny is not happy about this, but goes with me since he is such a good sport. We change and head up to the deck again. Mango tango in hand, we pull into Nassau. This is better than the time before, no rising at the ass crack of dawn to see the harbor. Not only that, but it's a beautiful clear day.
We go snorkeling. We pick the excursion with the free rum punch at the end. It becomes overcast, there is a storm over Nassau. Evidently God does not want me to be a snorkler. I stay in the water much longer. Fish are gross. Danny is amused that I keep asking him to make them go away. Eventually my approach is not to look, then I won't know if the fish are touching me. On the way back in, the skies clear up.
We wander around Nassau. Danny buys cigars out of a (fake) coach purse at the back of the straw market. I buy a fake coach purse. We're on the hunt for cheap liquor. I succeed in sneaking 1 bottle of rum up to our room, despite being caught.
Naptime, then formal dinner. Meat and wine. More drinking, wandering around. Shooting stars. Latin dancing. Getting down in the "disco" to the crappy dj. My judgement is impaired: I dance to one of those stupid line dances. We go back to the room and exact revenge on the loud people next door.
Sunday
Stupid people next door are loud again. Why does breakfast have to be earlier every day? I go by myself. We can see the parasailing out our window. We take the 'tender' over to Cococay. There is a drunk man, he keeps repeating GO GATORS! Hmm... must be related to Stewart. Floating on mats with a beer in hand... that's paradise.
Parasailing... one of the coolest things I have ever done. They almost don't let us go because of a thunderstorm and reported water spouts. We are the last people on our time to go. Luck is on our side. It's quiet up there, peaceful. Rough landing. Back to the ship.
Naptime, then dinner time, then losing $100 at craps. But I roll for the first time. No beginners luck here. A little dancing, a little wandering, a little more dancing, then an "early" night. It's hard to party hard every day.
Monday
I'm tired from my vacation. Breakfast is too early. I'm sad to leave the boat. Our bill comes, along with a heart attack. Long lines to disembark... I'm tired of people. Too early at the airport... again in true Livia and Danny traveling style. I finish Life of Pi. And start another. Finally, a small seat back to Atlanta.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Sick Day
I used to be sick all the time, but since my surgery I've been doing fairly well - a sinus headache here and there but nothing major.
Until my head cold. That has chosen the worst possible time to show up. I have a lot to do in the next few weeks, not to mention that the cruise is Friday and I want to make the most of it. Although, since my moodiness makes me feel lazy, this is a perfect excuse to actually be lazy, except that I can't motivate myself to send out my netflix movies, go to the store for more tissues and medicine, or fold the laundry that's been sitting there for days.
It's just me in my messy apartment with my bear, all the seasons of Gilmore Girls and my thoughts. Fun stuff.
Until my head cold. That has chosen the worst possible time to show up. I have a lot to do in the next few weeks, not to mention that the cruise is Friday and I want to make the most of it. Although, since my moodiness makes me feel lazy, this is a perfect excuse to actually be lazy, except that I can't motivate myself to send out my netflix movies, go to the store for more tissues and medicine, or fold the laundry that's been sitting there for days.
It's just me in my messy apartment with my bear, all the seasons of Gilmore Girls and my thoughts. Fun stuff.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Goodbye Grandpa
Today we say goodbye to my "Grandpa," Cougar. I don't know what else to say except that it's like losing a family member. Since I was a little girl, he's always been there. Getting into mischief, providing us with laughs and love. Probably the best cat to have ever lived. He let us put him in our baby doll cribs and carriages and dress him up. He knew when it was time for him to get his "kitty crack." And so many more memoreies.
That he's made it this long is a testament to his life, he was always strong, extremely alpha male, and I will miss him a lot. So, in pictures, here's to you Grandpa.
That he's made it this long is a testament to his life, he was always strong, extremely alpha male, and I will miss him a lot. So, in pictures, here's to you Grandpa.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Cry Baby
The happy pills aren't supposed to make me happy all the time, but they are supposed to balance my mood. I'm not so sure they're working, because today when I went to get a refill the pharmacist was giving me a hard time (I was trying to transfer my happy pill so it would be more convenient for me to pick them up.) I proceeded to walk to the car and cry about it.
This comes after seeing the psychiatrist today to make sure 1. I was diagnosed correctly (bipolar seems to run in the family - and, for those skeptics out there, it's only treatable by medication) and 2. that I was being treated correctly. She was very helpful and confirmed that it's clinical, agrees with the medication, and made me feel a little bit better about the events of last week. She said she could understand my reaction given the circumstances and that it didn't necessarily reflect my overall mental state. I guess having someone acknowledge that makes it a little easier to not worry that I'm batshit crazy and let go of a little bit of the anger that I have towards myself.
That being the case... maybe I was always a cry baby. Is it normal, at least for me, to cry about things like that? Too sensitive maybe? Or maybe events of late have just set me back a little.
Either way, I'm ready to feel better.
This comes after seeing the psychiatrist today to make sure 1. I was diagnosed correctly (bipolar seems to run in the family - and, for those skeptics out there, it's only treatable by medication) and 2. that I was being treated correctly. She was very helpful and confirmed that it's clinical, agrees with the medication, and made me feel a little bit better about the events of last week. She said she could understand my reaction given the circumstances and that it didn't necessarily reflect my overall mental state. I guess having someone acknowledge that makes it a little easier to not worry that I'm batshit crazy and let go of a little bit of the anger that I have towards myself.
That being the case... maybe I was always a cry baby. Is it normal, at least for me, to cry about things like that? Too sensitive maybe? Or maybe events of late have just set me back a little.
Either way, I'm ready to feel better.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Dead To Me
Today the Tour started. This year, I am short one watching buddy. And I am sad. Summer is my favorite time with this buddy, with watching in the morning and out riding in the afternoon. Except, lately, I couldn't oversee their flaws anymore. Years later, their self-absorbed nature and unwillingness to put others first finally got to me. These past few months have been really rough on me, and this buddy just added to it. Why miss such a jerk?
Not only added to it, but became toxic. Couldn't put themselves aside for one night to celebrate everything that I've been working towards for years. Made me feel bad about being depressed. The tears, hositility, irritability - all symptoms that have been improving - were just "tantrums" to this person. They had no compassion and made no effort to understand my situation. They threatened me, both verbally and physically. Then overreacted when I attempted to defend myself. As if any girl, when being physically intimidated by a guy much larger than her, would've just sat there.
I have a small support circle. It takes a lot for me to trust someone enough to add them. And, once someone is in, it takes a lot of disappointment to be kicked out. I'm still in a little bit of shock that I had to kick this person out. But, now that I think about it, they've always been this way. I just decided to overlook it before.
The good news is I can ignore them. Not only that, but with lots of hard work, therapy and medication I will and am going to get better. They, however, have no excuse for their behavior. That's who they are, they will always be stuck with that. It'll bite them in the ass and has already started to. Now they cannot count me, one of the most dependable, generous, caring and loyal people I know, as a friend. Not only that, karma will get them.
And, if not, maybe I'll help it along a bit.
Not only added to it, but became toxic. Couldn't put themselves aside for one night to celebrate everything that I've been working towards for years. Made me feel bad about being depressed. The tears, hositility, irritability - all symptoms that have been improving - were just "tantrums" to this person. They had no compassion and made no effort to understand my situation. They threatened me, both verbally and physically. Then overreacted when I attempted to defend myself. As if any girl, when being physically intimidated by a guy much larger than her, would've just sat there.
I have a small support circle. It takes a lot for me to trust someone enough to add them. And, once someone is in, it takes a lot of disappointment to be kicked out. I'm still in a little bit of shock that I had to kick this person out. But, now that I think about it, they've always been this way. I just decided to overlook it before.
The good news is I can ignore them. Not only that, but with lots of hard work, therapy and medication I will and am going to get better. They, however, have no excuse for their behavior. That's who they are, they will always be stuck with that. It'll bite them in the ass and has already started to. Now they cannot count me, one of the most dependable, generous, caring and loyal people I know, as a friend. Not only that, karma will get them.
And, if not, maybe I'll help it along a bit.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Lost
Do you ever look at yourself and wonder, how did I get here? Is this really my life? I thought I was doing better, thought I was making progress. Now I have to admit to myself that there are worst parts of me than I thought, that I am more damaging than I thought. That is so disheartening.
What about all I've done to get here? On the brink of starting the life that I've busted my ass for. With friends who are so awesome that they make up for the support I should have in other places. With people who admire and respect me, those who like me. Are they wrong? Which part is really me? Do they deserve to be around someone so crazy, so toxic?
Life is really hard right now. I hate that I couldn't handle it, that I need help, that I "have a problem." I'm supposed to be tough. Supposed to be able to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and more. To admit to being broken is admitting that I am not who I thought I was.
What about all I've done to get here? On the brink of starting the life that I've busted my ass for. With friends who are so awesome that they make up for the support I should have in other places. With people who admire and respect me, those who like me. Are they wrong? Which part is really me? Do they deserve to be around someone so crazy, so toxic?
Life is really hard right now. I hate that I couldn't handle it, that I need help, that I "have a problem." I'm supposed to be tough. Supposed to be able to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and more. To admit to being broken is admitting that I am not who I thought I was.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Signing Cruise... I mean Bonus
Danny and I are going on a cruise! I've decided to half my signing bonus (aka all of it after taxes) on one last big trip before I join the real world. We'll be sailing on Royal Caribbean's Sovereign of the Seas to Nassau and Cococay, Bahamas. I'm excited, and I think he is too. After all, it encompasses most of his favorite activities: eating, drinking and gambling. One stop shop.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Sugar Mama
I have often referred to the mother of the kids I babysit as my Sugar Mama. She got this title by giving me awesome gifts like my ipod mini, her hand me down purses (including Juicy Couture and Coach), many gift certificates and lots of other stuff along the way.
This past Saturday she really pulled out the stops. I was driving us back to her house after watching the kids swim at GT (very awesome experience... the kids I taught to swim competing in the pool at my alma mater!) when she asked if we could run a few errands. After all was said and done, I was in possession of several really nice Ann Taylor outfits, old navy clothing and a gift certificate, new bedding for my bedroom, a new vacuum and gift certificates to Starbucks and Zaxbys.
I am just totally in awe of her generosity. I attempted to refuse payment for dog sitting this past weekend, but she insists. It's rare to come across such generous and caring people, and I feel very fortunate to have them in my life. Especially right now.
This past Saturday she really pulled out the stops. I was driving us back to her house after watching the kids swim at GT (very awesome experience... the kids I taught to swim competing in the pool at my alma mater!) when she asked if we could run a few errands. After all was said and done, I was in possession of several really nice Ann Taylor outfits, old navy clothing and a gift certificate, new bedding for my bedroom, a new vacuum and gift certificates to Starbucks and Zaxbys.
I am just totally in awe of her generosity. I attempted to refuse payment for dog sitting this past weekend, but she insists. It's rare to come across such generous and caring people, and I feel very fortunate to have them in my life. Especially right now.