Down In It

The problem with depression is, it comes on and you don't notice. It's hard to tell what is happening until it's too late. The changes come on gradually, and so subtlety, that by the time you notice you're already in deep.

And it's happened to me again. Despite all of my best efforts, $70 a visit to a therapist to prevent it and medicine, here I am again. I realized it after spending a week in Tahoe under an immense amount of stress (both emotional, mental and physical). I've been lonely and I've been neglecting myself. I've allowed work to chip away at me. I've run myself ragged.

On top of that, things then turned upside down even more so and the one person that I could always turn to, who before always let me work things out while being there for me, is not available. And on top of not being there, he's added to it.

Fortunately, thanks to the medicine, it's not that bad this time. I don't feel like getting out of bed, but I do. I don't feel like going to work out, but I do (with some encouragement).

Maybe with each bout, I'll get better at recognizing. I won't need to depend on friends or a therapist. Maybe I'll be able to prevent it, so that I don't end up in situations where I can't control my emotions. Situations that can and have cost me so much.

Happy Ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be


It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

If I wanted to work this hard...

...I'd go back to grad school. Here I am, sitting at a gorgeous resort in Tahoe, CA. Only I don't get to enjoy any of it because I'm here for a class. Which will have me working 24/7 (or 5, til we leave on Friday.) And this is reward for being a "promising, young engineer?" Nice. Already I've spent all of this beautiful afternoon doing homework, instead of enjoying the great outdoors. Oh well, maybe the bear warnings will help it not suck as much.

To add insult to injury, I am in the same state as my boy, but nowhere near the boy.

And interestingly enough, Michelle was on the flight this morning out to SLC. And so was my favorite (yeah, right) irrational frenchman Cyril.

Is it Friday yet?