Over.

I'm so over the whole 2008 thing.

Bring on the 2009.

Fading.

It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. 

And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little peices of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Roman Holiday

I joined my friend Krista in Rome for a few days. Not the smoothest of non-rev trips. My mom and grandma decided to tag along, only they didn't make the flight on Christmas Day. They next day didn't look good either, so they decided to go into Milan and take the train to Rome... only then the Rome flight opened up. But it was too late to switch.

Our attempts to visit the Vatican for free on Sunday were foiled by the gazillion other people who had the same idea. Did see the Forum, Il Vittoriano, Picasso exhibit, St Peter's, Trevi Fountain and the Pantheon. Didn't get a chance to get to the Colosseum close up, though.

I think the catholic church could've done so much more good for the world if they weren't so obsessed with spending a shitload of money on fancy stuff. Did get to see the resting place of my man JP... is it weird that there were people crying over him, nearly 4 years later?

Will miss horribly the pasta and sauce, cappuccino, and chocolate croissants. Wasn't thoroughly impressed by the Italians, though - a little pushy and not great with the manners. And Euros are expensive. And apparently it's perfectly acceptable for teenagers to spend their days riding the bus and making out. While chewing gum.

Flights back during the day suck. Although, it didn't suck that much in business class... I watched 4 movies.

good night

The Plague

Exactly one week ago I came down with some sort of the plague or sars or tuberculosis or something along those lines... I missed work for most of the week. I tried to go Monday, but they sent me home. I went to the clinic on Wednesday, and they forbid me from going back before Friday.

Danielle and I had to cancel her bday cruise, which I feel terrible about. Not to mention that this is a huge set back in terms of lung health for ski season, which is fast approaching with the first trip to Tahoe booked already.

Ugh.

Cranky Pants

Yesterday was one of those days. I woke up early, did some yoga, made my bed, had breakfast, made myself pretty, and was even ready for work on time! Then all hell broke loose.

All the daylight hours later I returned home from work. Only to become even crankier, because today I will take a short but way too long trip to Minneapolis for some meetings. Um, it's cold up there. Oh, and here. I just want to hibernate.

Not to mention that this trip will make me miss the only holiday party to take place this year. And thanks to the weather here we'll probably get delayed and/or stuck. Awesome. 

Oh... and when does that leave me time to catch up at work???

Dec 2 Sadness

It was 2 years ago today that we went down to the ACC championship. Good times, that entire holiday season. Today is another hard day. I never thought I wouldn't be celebrating today. That I wouldn't get happy thanksgiving, merry christmas or happy new year.

I'm stuck.

I can't get out of bed today or get you off my mind
I just can't seem to find a way to leave the love behind
I ain't trippin', I'm just missin' you
You know what I'm sayin', you know what I mean
You kept me hanging on a string, why'd you make me cry?
I tried to give you everything, but you just gave me lies.
Every now and then when I'm all alone
I'll be wishin' you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back, but you never do
I feel like such a fool, there's nothing I can do
I'm such a fool for you

And I can't take it what am I waiting for?
My heart's still breaking, I miss you even more
And I can't fake it the way I could before,
I hate you, but I love you, I can't stop thinking of you
It's true I'm stuck on you.
Now love's a broken record that's been skippin' in my head
I keep singing Yesterday why we have to play these games we play?
And I can't take it what am I waiting for?
My heart's still breaking, I miss you even more
And I can't fake it the way I could before
I hate you, but I love you, I can't stop thinking of you
Don't know what to do, I'm stuck on you.

Fade Away

Well you stole my heart
And I'll get it back
But look me in the eye babe
Tell me why ya gonna love me like that
Why ya gonna love me like that

Well I've walked this world
Five times or more
And after all this walking babe
You still got me crawling on the floor
crawling on the floor

And I know this world keeps on turning
Keeps me yearning

How can you turn and walk away
Pretending everything's okay?
How can you turn your back?
Tell me why ya gonna love me like that
why ya gonna love me like that?

Well I thought you'd listen
But I'm shattered like broken glass
Well I thought that we'd be different babe
Yeah, I thought that we would last
I thought that we would last
And I know this world keeps on spinning
Every minute that you're in it

Love me or leave me baby
but don't lead me on
With loving like yours
believe me i'm better off
I'm better off alone

I was your gypsy
Throwing diamonds at your feet
Drifting round you like a satellite
I gave you everything you need
Everything you need
And I know this world keeps on turning
Keeps me yearning and yearning

How can you just break away
Why can't you find the words to say
Love is something you work at
Tell me why ya gonna love me like that
Why ya gonna love me like that
How can you throw us away
Look at what you lost today
Now everything is shades of gray
And now you're pushing me away
Say all the things you want to say
Thought we were going all the way
Play all the games you wanna play
Slowly we just fade away

To Cat or Not to Cat, that is the question...

I'm thinking about getting 2 kitties. I've always been a cat person, despite the crazy allergies that I've developed over the years.

It was my first therapist's idea to get a cat, at which point Piper came to live with me for a while. It worked out pretty well, she cheered me up. But then I started traveling, which meant so did she, and she didn't like it as much as I did. So one time she didn't come back.

Now I'm thinking it might help me again, but a few issues:
1. what about my allergies?
2. what about my traveling?
3. will they be able to measure up to piper?

the allergies I can control... and if they're together, they can stay by themselves so long as they have food and a clean place to poo... and they are very cute...

... so what am I waiting for?

Witch Doctor

I go to this weird chiropractor every once in a while. He doesn't crack your bones so much as he works some sort of weird voodoo magic while barely touching you and fixes not only your physical pain but somehow aligns your chi or cleanses your aura or something along those lines.

For $50 it's not a bad deal.

I went today. I was long overdue. My back was hurting after Brazil. Then earlier this week my shoulder was out of place. He came up with 2 main things today... love and happiness. And he tells me to think about the equation and I don't know what happens but everything lets go. But I am always left wondering, how the heck does he know???

Anyway, now supposedly I'm aligned, at least physically if not emotionally, but it bummed me out a little, anyway.

I used to have it so together. What happened to me?

Or maybe I never had it together in the first place...

Drenched.

Something has to give. This has to be the bottom. I can't take it anymore.

The job. The working around the clock. My ideas getting hosed. The glass ceiling. Old men shooting me down, not on merit but because of power, of a show, because I'm young and female. Spending most of my time cleaning up someone else's mess, instead of using my talent to provide some good. And then? Then it continues. They don't get rid of the idiot, I don't rid myself of the idiot.

My boy. The one who has the power to turn even my worst days around. The one who gave me something to look forward to. The one I put so much into. I drank with him, traveled with him, skiied with him, cleaned up his puke, supported him, dragged my ragged ass all over this country just to see him. And, the very few times that I ask for a little back, that I asked for a visit because I was lonely; that I asked for a day in so I could rest; that I asked for a do-over because I was stressed: he couldn't find it in himself to give it to me.

Somehow he's forgotten all that I am. He's forgotten everything that we are together, everything that we have, how good it can be. And all I can do is hope that he remembers, that it dawns on him how awesome I am, that he can believe in me even when I don't. And I don't know how I can do that so far away.

I guess I can't blame him, so have I. I don't recognize this person either. Who is this girl? I'm not the kind of girl who is desperate for a guy to like her. The kind who doesn't want to go to work in the morning. The kind who sits in the bathroom at work crying. The one who can't focus and has headaches all the time. The one who is always tired, and is now lame. And flakey.

Something has to change. Things have to turn around.

Fire Hose

I feel completely hosed lately. I just can't win.

I poured my heart and soul into someone just to have them turn around and dismiss me like I was nothing. And not only that, but in the most hurtful way possible.

I work my ass off at work. But most of my time is spent fixing the shit that one idiot causes. And not only that, but I get stuck working my ass off when the bastard who caused it disappears.

I've been trying to get back to my life but it's hard when I have to pull all nighters.

I really need a change. Or this needs to be the bottom.

Today

Today is a little sadder than other days and a little harder, too.

Cursed.

'I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had.

I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true.

For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded...

...I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back.'

From The Holiday

Something to Believe In

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
So this is goodbye

I've been here before
One day I'll wake up
And it won't hurt anymore

Not Broken

Been alot that I've been through
I cried a tear a time or two
You know I cried some over you
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down

But that ain't enough to break me
Cuz I'll rise above it
And I'll pick myself up
And I'll dust the pain off my heart

And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Been alot of tears stained nights
I thought the tears were here for life
The hurt came on and held on tight
Took a chance, I took a fall
Love broke my heart and shattered all my dreams
But I won't be down on my knees
Cuz I'll rise above it
And I'll pick myself up
And I'll shake the rain out of my heart


Gonna pick my heart up
Take my life back
Shake the hurt away
Pull myself together, put the pieces back in place
I learned love's so hard
Love left my soul scarred
I was shattered inside


And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Watch Me Walk

Girls we gotta work it like we do
Turn a head or two
Cause we're worth it
So I ain't gonna waste my time waiting on you
Gotta make your move

You've had my number for two or three days or more
If you're a real man then you can't ignore this

Sometimes it's physical
But I want supernatural
I don't have wings but I'm ready to fall
I deserve it all

Headturner
Soul burner
Ya gonna watch me walk, then watch me walk
Headturner
Are you a slow learner
Come and take my hand
Cause I'll find another man

If you're gonna watch me walk, then watch me walk
Ya gotta earn it
Nothing in life is free you gotta bring your love to me
Emotional,  I got it
Sexual, I got it
Spiritual, God knows I've got it
What you want, baby I got it

No one can love you like I love you
No one can do the things that I would do to you
I'd do something about it if I were you
Or feel my heels as I'm walking over you

Vows

It seems like I got swept up by life and have forgotten to take care of myself. Unfortunately the neglect started to take it's toll on me. In order to prevent this from happening again, I've decided to make some vows/rules for myself so that when I get caught up, I can look back and remember.

1. Get enough sleep
2. Exercise
3. Eat healthy
4. Drink enough water
5. Slow down when I need to
6. Attend to my life, friends and family
7. Don't be afraid to ask for help
8. Put myself first
9. be more discerning about the people that i let in
10. don't give more to someone than they would be willing to give back to me

anyone want to add any suggestions??

Faith

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

When the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try baby
And have a little faith, faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here baby
From a whisper, start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me

Well, I've been loving you
For such a long, long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me

You see time, time is our friend
Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is
Have a little faith in me

I will hold you up
And your love gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me

Down In It

The problem with depression is, it comes on and you don't notice. It's hard to tell what is happening until it's too late. The changes come on gradually, and so subtlety, that by the time you notice you're already in deep.

And it's happened to me again. Despite all of my best efforts, $70 a visit to a therapist to prevent it and medicine, here I am again. I realized it after spending a week in Tahoe under an immense amount of stress (both emotional, mental and physical). I've been lonely and I've been neglecting myself. I've allowed work to chip away at me. I've run myself ragged.

On top of that, things then turned upside down even more so and the one person that I could always turn to, who before always let me work things out while being there for me, is not available. And on top of not being there, he's added to it.

Fortunately, thanks to the medicine, it's not that bad this time. I don't feel like getting out of bed, but I do. I don't feel like going to work out, but I do (with some encouragement).

Maybe with each bout, I'll get better at recognizing. I won't need to depend on friends or a therapist. Maybe I'll be able to prevent it, so that I don't end up in situations where I can't control my emotions. Situations that can and have cost me so much.

Happy Ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be


It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

If I wanted to work this hard...

...I'd go back to grad school. Here I am, sitting at a gorgeous resort in Tahoe, CA. Only I don't get to enjoy any of it because I'm here for a class. Which will have me working 24/7 (or 5, til we leave on Friday.) And this is reward for being a "promising, young engineer?" Nice. Already I've spent all of this beautiful afternoon doing homework, instead of enjoying the great outdoors. Oh well, maybe the bear warnings will help it not suck as much.

To add insult to injury, I am in the same state as my boy, but nowhere near the boy.

And interestingly enough, Michelle was on the flight this morning out to SLC. And so was my favorite (yeah, right) irrational frenchman Cyril.

Is it Friday yet?

The Flight From Hell

Yesterday I was on the flight from hell, number 752 from Denver to Atlanta. Scheduled to leave at 3:05. For the first time in a long time, I made the flight with no problem. I had a middle seat, but a little girl wanted to switch with me. Things couldn't be going better. Until they stopped taxiing and shut the engines down and pulled back into the gate. A flap indication problem turned into a computer malfunction turned into flying a part in from SLC on the flight arriving at 6:20pm. A beer and a few catch-up phone calls later, the plane was fixed and we boarded again.

This time, people were gone so I switched rows to a window. We pushed back... then stopped. Again. Seriously. Some other "lights" in the cockpit (they didn't say what and the logs weren't up yet when I checked.) 40 minutes and one soaked mechanic later, we were on our way to the runway... just in time for a huge storm to roll in and ground stop. Awesome

40 minutes later, nearly 6 hours after the scheduled departure time, we left Denver. Landed in Atlanta at 1am, in the door at 2am.

So much for trying to get home "early."

Suck-lympics

I have decided that the olympics in Beijing are a bunch of crap. From the crappy air, to no one being able to say anything to the freakin chinese government, to the cheating, scoring and seeding themselves number 1 in beach vollyeball...

still addicted to watching though.

Memories

John and I went to hand with some old friends and bid farewell to one who goes off to Europe for a year. It was great to see the old friends and reminisce with them about old times. A roast brought about memories long buried, of fun times and stressful times. And these are the friends who will stick together for a lifetime, who no matter how much time or distance separates, can always come back to that common ground: a couple of years of intense stress and lots of shenanigans along the way.

I did miss those who couldn't participate, and who played a big role in so many stories: Danny, Marni and Matt.

Take That, France!

The french swimmers had the audacity to say they were going to "smash" the American freestyle relay team... and of course couldn't put their money where their (notoriously) big mouths are.

Hey, France: Open mouth, insert foot.
 

Dreams and Things

I have been having the weirdest dreams. With random characters from past and present. I wonder how the mind works, to pull all of these people out of the depths of my memories and bring them back in dreams that are so real. I have been sleeping a lot so maybe that has to do with it.

I took a few weekends off traveling. To avoid travel burnout and to avoid the peak of travel season which has stranded many a friend in random places. Plus, my sinuses hurt.

I'm in the middle of a prolonged absence from the boy due to scheduling conflicts and a visit from his parents. It sucks.

I have an entire 5 day work week this week. It will be a challenge.

Back to Life

Wow, I can't believe it's been that much time since I updated. I'm just returning to my life today and I must admit I have a hard time accounting for all the time that has passed. One work week, then a weekend in Knoxville. Another work week, then a weekend chilling here in the Atl. Part of a work week, then back to LA for 5 days for the 4th.

I definitely have been missing my life a little, and missing my boy's role here in Atlanta. Sure, there's the novelty of the LA beaches and all the activities that come with it, not to mention really fun friends... but it's sad that I've spent more whole days in Danny's tiny LA apartment than my own new big one here.

This weekend I definitely have plans to stay here. Two weeks from now contain tentative plans to hit up Madrid, but I'm wishy-washy.... I wonder if the finances can support it. Not to mention, that'll make affording Rome and Mexico part 2 much harder.

At least I had one of the smoothest non-rev experiences of recent memory, being cleared on the flights I chose not at the last minute. Good stuff.

And here's to my first engineer's raise, a whole percent more than the average based on performance, and news that I'm "on track" for a promotion to senior engineer (and a 10% raise!) before the end of the year.

Couldn't come sooner... those 46k of students loans are just itching for my senior engineer salary....

Recap

Lots of things to recap.

I loved being Danny's squatter. Although I must say that I out did him - I cleaned, did laundry and washed dishes. In between episodes of Grey's, that is.

Mexico was awesome. The resort was beautiful, the tequila good, my boy wonderful, my spanish rusty, the sun sunny, the sunburn itchy. We were tempted to stay an extra day.

And the non-rev karma continues. First class both ways to PVR... then Monday stuck in LAX all day. Welcome summer.

Now I'm in my new place, needing to do my own laundry and cleaning. And not feeling very at home. Between a rock and hard place.

And missing my boy.

Ants in the Pants

I have ants in the pants, I can't wait for Friday. Instead of going to LA, coming back Monday then flying out again Wednesday, I've decided to eat up same vacation days and repay Danny some of his squatter debt.

I wonder if we'll still like each other after 10 consecutive days together.

Responsibility

I've decided to be lame and stick around here this weekend so I can pack. I guess it's the right thing to do since I haven't started yet. I guess it's not too bad since I will be traveling the next 6 weekends in a row.

In other news, Danny and I are going on a trip to Mexico. Damn, we live the life.

Return

The return trip always bums me out a little. Usually it's because I know I'll have to go days if not weeks without enjoying the awesome company of my boy in person. The crazy weekends, like our last trip to Knoxville or this past long weekend in Memphis, make me especially sad because we don't get any real QT together. And this weekend Delta added a little blow to my sadness but not squeezing us onto the same flight, thus preventing me from realizing much looked-forward-to dinner plans with the boy.

And it gets worse. I'm dreading the return to work tomorrow. After 5 days off, I can't seem to find reasons to go back. Do they pay me enough for this shit? Most certainly they do not. I made the mistake of checking my email and I know tomorrow will be hellish. If only I didn't give a shit. If only I didn't care that head-up-his-own-ass engineer wasn't going to park the entire international fleet with his stupid ideas.

Maybe I can learn not to. Maybe I can give up the benefits. Maybe it's time for change.

Stress

Life is stressful right now. I know that there are those who thought real life would be easier than school, and in some ways it is. But in other ways it's not.

I'm traveling Friday to meet my boyfriend's entire extended family at his brother's wedding (oh yeah, don't forget the meeting-the-family-complex that I acquired from previous boyfriend's redneck backwards family.) The summer crunch is approaching at work and I'm starting to feel it. The overbearing, disrespectful, idiot engineer that I have to work with continues to make my life a living hell. The decisions that he makes behind my back are making the summer crunch look like it's going to be worse and worse. Not to mention the abuse.

It's a lot right now. I think I'll take a personal day tomorrow. Maybe then I'll find some time to sit down and expand on the discrimination I face at work. Or that ex-bf complex. Or that I'm totally flasking it to the wedding.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

This weekend was hard on me, missing Danny wise. First it was cheesy chick flicks that made me want hugs so badly. Then it was shopping for dresses and playing Wii with friends. Then eating Matt's portobello mushroom-canadian bacon concoction.



Most of the time it's ok. Most of the time I like going to workout and cooking dinner for myself and having alone time.

But then sometimes it seems like there are a million things throughout the day that make me think of the boy and make me want to talk to him. Maybe it's because the last time we hung out, it wasn't really quality time so much as it was running around with people to see and places to go.

Then again, visits sometimes just make me remember what I'm missing.

All in all, though, I'm glad things worked out like this and I wouldn't take my decisions back for anything.


Is it Thursday yet? I don't know how you've done it all this time, Wendy Boone.

Go with the flow

Lately I've seen a lot of people settle into the life that we're all taught to want and have. Married out of college. Pregnant immediately after. No time to find yourself, enjoy life, see if your marriage will work, save cause kids cost an arm and a leg.

I am programmed to want this life as well, and I have to wonder how many people actually stop and think about things or whether they go through the motions of it all before they even realize what's happening. I understand more and more how people can turn around 5, 10, 20 years down the road and want out cause they only then realize or admit what they really want. The way things go with this society, I have to believe this is probably the norm.

My anonymous commenter on Wedding Season made some great points. To be honest? I'm still extremely pissed at Will. For many things. For never deserving or amounting to what I thought of him. For throwing away all that hard work in college, everying I did to pull him through undergrad and get him into grad school, by not getting a job in aviation. For throwing away his own dreams. For adopting someone else's life and beliefs without much questioning. I'm livid. Because I wasted so much time on someone who was so clearly clueless. In the end, he ended up being no different than all those flaky girls I struggled to distance myself from in high school and college.

I want more. More than a house, 2.5 kids and a dog in the suburbs. I want to see the world. I want to break through that ceiling at work and kick ass. I want to pay off my debts. I want extraordinary.

And then, after that, I'll settle for a few kids. But in the mountains somewhere, so I can teach them to ski when they're still in diapers

Picking Up the Pace

Yesterday I went to my first spinning class after a too long absence. At my new gym. While I didn't like the bikes, or the teacher, it felt like me. Getting up early and packing multiple bags because I wouldn't be home for forever.

Today I left work with another bag in tow, this time to go practice volleyball with my co-workers. Then I had to rush home to meet Danielle for dinner and ABC watching.

It feels like my old self. I've been living life in slow motion for nearly a year and now I'm starting to speed back up again.

I have to credit my boy. He has the lupus but has settled in to his adult life much better than me. He's riding his bike to work and going to the gym and playing volleyball and running 5ks. Me? I begged him to let me sleep.

But maybe I'll just pick up the pace little by little...

The Airline Biznass

Things have been pretty hectic and psycho at work. And that doesn't include any of the MD-80 madness or today's big announcement. All of a sudden things have been going wrong on the engine fleet I manage. Things are not going according to plan (yes, I have to forecast what shit will hit the fan before each year) and over the last 2 weeks I've had 3 oh shit moments, on top of the other crap I deal with on a daily basis. I'm WAY ahead of plan. And this is a case where being ahead is a bad thing.

The latest, which happened Friday at 10am has been the biggest challenge I've face so far. I'm still spending some QT with Daddy FAA to sort it all out.

And this, this is the quiet before the summer storm. Summer is the busiest time. And I expect even more stuff to hit the fan.

Not to mention the whole Delta taking over the world one airline at a time thing... at least I won't be bored for the next few weeks.

Wedding Season

My ex of three years (and probably two years too long) gets married today. If certain things hadn't happened, that would've been me. He had the ring. He had the plans. And me?

All I can think is Thank God it isn't me.

Things are so different, so much better. I could've ended up living in a house in the suburbs with a man who has no idea who he is trying to fit into a mold that he inherited from his parents. With some kids. And a dog.

But instead, I'm the the beginning of a career, kicking ass and taking names at my job. I've got a boy who, instead of just settling, is also kicking ass and taking names (and writing code) at his job. We live the life. We dream. We get to travel. Ski. Ride bikes on the beach. Go whereever. Drink whatever. See whatever. Laugh together. Get along together. Experience everything. Even the things that I like. Even the new things.

And? I think his family likes me. Or, if not, at least they are welcoming and inviting.

I have to send a thank you note to those friends whom I met in the fall of 2006. They taught me so much.

Thank god it isn't me.

Non-rev Karma

The non-reving world is a funny one. My multiple trips to LA have proven what an interesting and slightly stressful experience it is. There are times when it's the smoothest thing ever and others, well, you end up stuck in the Knoxville airport all day.

My first trip out I got the last seat on the plane, but only because there were groups of two and three that didn't want to split up. On the way back, I had to use up a precious S2 to get the middle seat on the red eye in order to get back in time.

The second time, I left work to catch the flight and it looked wide open. By the time I got to the gate, I was 50th on the list and had to run to catch the flight to orange county. On the way back, I got the a seat in the last row of a 777.

And this time. A hellish flying day in atlanta due to bad weather meant I was 39th on the list and the flight was delayed by an hour. I checked into two others just in case. And then? I got cleared for 1st class. I tried to get out on sunday, but my favorite flight back on the 777 was canceled which backed up the rest of the day. Monday put me on the flight leaving at 1115... it only had room because it was actually scheduled for 730 and ended up with lost of space after everyone deserted and stood by for the later flights.

They say it used to be much easier. Most of the times it's not bad.

Whirlwind

There has been a lack of updating lately. Due to the pace of life and the fact that I can't seem to stay in Atlanta. Even when I slow down, I don't really slow down. Even when I'm in town, I'm not really in town.

Sometimes I just have the desire to stay here, hang with my friends, sit on my couch. Maybe I like to operate at 100 miles per hour because if I slow down, everything will catch up and hit me like a bus.

So in the mean time I'll keep going and ignoring. On the bright side, there is a lot of the world to see and many mountains to ski.

A New Day

Today I got up more or less on time. I made the bed, put on my make up and left for work (more or less on time.)

When I got home, I went to workout.

Makeup and working out... two things that go away easily. Here's to bringing them back.

By the way, I believe this is the worst shape I've ever been in. My running shorts from the last time I was trying to lose weight don't fit. And that's scary.

Here's to a new day.

Best Laid Plans

Despite some good planning on both our parts, the ski trip to Lake Tahoe did not go smoothly. Weather everywhere made my outgoing flight delayed, which stranded Danny at the Reno airport for about two hours. By the time we arrived at the Casino, I had been awake for nearly 24 hours and was extremely cranky.

The skiing was good, but Heavenly was not a great resort. I was still fighting with my boots, which added to my irritability. It was windy, cold, and dumping snow, which aren't the happiest skiing conditions.

Back at the Casino hotel I had a booger bath and a roach dinner. Yummy.

Sunday, despite our best efforts to get to the airport early, we both messed up and missed the flight. That meant finding a place to stay and other flights, which didn't work out for Danny since there was no direct to LAX the next morning. Then, finally, the next morning, the shuttle from the hotel decided to try to make me miss the first flight out as well. Bitchy skywest agents and delays for Danny just added a cherry on top.

Perhaps we're trying too hard.

Symptomatic

It's back. Not full-fledged yet, but it's rearing it's ugly head. The irritability, feeling overwhelmed, oversleeping, not being able to get out of bed.

How is this possible? I'm in treatment already, already doing the drugs. What else is there to do?

I make these big plans, things that'll help me not give in, things that will keep me distracted. But then my couch and bed are so comfortable and its so nice to sit on my butt and watch tv.

Which will not help me get in shape, see my friends or do any of the many other things that I'd like.

Guess I'll just sit on the fence for now.

Californication

Despite the extenuating circumstances (sick mom, sick self, missing the trip to Italy), I couldn't resist seeing my boy so Friday I skipped out of work a little early and got the last seat on the 4pm out to LAX. One movie (Dan in real life) and one Real Simple cover to cover later I landed on the left coast for the first time.

The greater LA area is apparently the land that the turn of the century forgot, as evidenced by the many roller skates, roller blades, skate boards, ska tattoos and many other things forgotten since the 90s.

They also didn't get the memo that it's winter, which made it a nice weekend for walking on the beach, dipping our feet in the super cold Pacific water, and swimming in the heated pool.

I suppose if he has to live far away, the beach is not a bad choice, given my feelings for the ocean. So far the jury is still out on LA, but spending a weekend with my boy? Priceless.

The goodbye? It hurt this time. I guess I got an up close reminder of what I'm missing every day of the week. As Rory said, there's nothing good about a goodbye.

Threes

Ever heard that things come in threes? Well, I'm hoping I'm done. First Danny's hospital visit, then my mom's (she's out now, by the way but no closer to knowing an answer) and I've missed the past two days of work because I was sick. Does sick count as a third? I hope so, because I really don't want to think that something else could be coming my way.

When it rains

January was rough and it seems like February will continue with the onslaught. My new hobby will be visiting hospitals and waiting anxiously for doctors to get a clue and figure something out.

The stress of the past few weeks has started to take its toll on me. I'm coming down with something and facing increasing inertia while life goes on, with or without me.

And I miss my best friend.

Super Tuesday

This past Tuesday I voted in the Georgia Primary. My mom and my sister voted too, it was their first time. It still made me as excited as it was last time, or even moreso, since my left leaning self is practically nonexistent in this red state.

All of the political excitement has spurred dozens of political conversations at work. Outside of my little Ga Tech bubble, I see what this state is really made of. And it's red. Really red. Huckabee won this state, and I'm certain that my co-workers were essential in helping him out. At first I thought they were all joking about being such fans, but when I asked them about his bat-shit-craziness they were in denial. Even after seeing video, they were still denying what they had watched themselves.

As if someone could manufacture that.

It's been interesting... and will be until November, I'm guessing.

Danny California

As of today I am officially in a cross-country long distance relationship. I left Danny at the terminal on my way to work this morning. I came home for the first time in a long time to an empty apartment, and I realized how much I appreciate his smiling face waiting for me at the end of a long tiring day.

He's currently sitting in his new LA apartment and has already been out for walks on the beach. Yeah, I'm jealous and already I feel like I'm missing important and special experiences.

Due to the hectic February schedule, I'll get to see him briefly mid next week (because I've decided to fly out there for a night to break up the otherwise too long absence) and then after that it's when we meet up at Lake Tahoe to ski on Feb 22.

And I'm sad that he can't go to Rome with me next weekend. And that it happens to be over Valentine's day. :-(

Work Stress?

This week was rough at work. I'm not sure I signed up for stress after grad school. A 12 hour days back to back, plus dealing with the Boeing company flight test people, plus dealing with "Elmer Fudd" and the messes he creates for me daily made it one rough week.

That was only 4 days long, thankfully.

Now I'm off on a "mini-break" skiing in Park City, Utah!

Welcome Home

This will be the view from my second home. I must say, it's a nice consolation for the sucky situation.

I'm going to be so tan!

Just a Girl In A Corporate World

Just when I think I have the hang of working in this big corporate environment, things surprise me. Like listening to the webconference of the earnings results and not understanding half the words that are being said (which is ok, cause neither did my boss), wondering if I should get an mba, deciding I never want to be that high up in a company and resenting all the stock holders asking the questions who probably make more than everyone in the room combined.

Then there's always the feeling that I'm well cared for, more recently in the form of a huge lunch in the hanger. Which was awesome, especially since all of TechOps participated.

Then there's seeing my work in the form of actual cost savings, being able to answer questions.

It'll be difficult to give up, especially since I'm loving it right now.

Cloudy

The past few days at work have been pretty good (a just short of stellar performance review, TechOps appreciation day, and seeing results from my efforts), but they've been overshadowed by the cloud that has now settled all around me. I don't have the energy to fight it right now, so I'll just let it sink down.

On Notice, For the Heck of It

Since I haven't done one in a while. This might change as I give it more thought.

Let it Snow, Part 2

Saturday brought even more snow. I got to play with Alden and Kaya, which was definitely a wish list item that was fulfilled, but at the same time snow ball fights aren't quite as fun without my boy. I'm afraid that I'll become incredibly lame and start missing out on life when he moves simply because I want to share most experiences with him.

Some events have totally flipped around my travel plans and schedule for the next few months, and not necessarily in a bad way. I'm just sad I can't hop over to Japan sooner like I was hoping.

I've been hibernating due to the cold weather. Or the bad sinuses. Or the slump I'm in. Or the exhaustion for the past few weeks (how long can I use that one as an excuse?)

I should figure out which. Back to the tv.

Let it Snow

Atlanta was dusted with some snow today. The weather people predicted nothing would happen in the city, but as it was the front came from the south so it first started dumping snow at work at about 4pm. It then proceeded to follow me home.

I love standing in the falling snow. Looking up makes me feel like I'm in my own little snow globe. John, Danny and I had a snow ball fight and made a snow man.

For a few moments, fun and the way the world looks covered in the pure white was all that was on my mind.

Inertia

I've been dealing with a serious case of inertia. After all the craziness that was Christmas, New Years, and Danny's stay at the hospital, and too much to do at work, maybe it's just my body dying for some down time.

But then again, I wasn't exactly moving at the speed of light before all of those events. In fact, I haven't been my usual 150mph self in quite some time. And when I attempted to be everywhere in the past few weeks, I struggled. It's as if my body knows that pushing myself at those limits causes problems and damage that takes months of rest, medication and treatment to recover from.

Meanwhile, I don't feel like myself. I hated leaving the hospital early one night because I was simply exhausted. I hate looking forward to activity in the afternoon then coming home exhausted and plopping down on the couch with some Gilmore girls for the evening.

Maybe this is my new self. It's hard to become accustomed to, especially since I feel so lazy. And since I've haven't participated or done tons of the things that I usually enjoy and that sustain me.

Maybe things will change when the stress of the unknown dies down and I settle into my new altered life.

2007: Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Went out west, lived with a boy, worked a real job, graduated with my masters

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year’s resolutions: stress less, lose the last 10-12 pounds, put myself first, do all those things I've always wanted to

I successfully stressed less (by leaving ASDL), I lost more than 10 lbs (and proceeded to regain it all through depression), and traveled a lot

This year: keep my house clean, eat better, be more active

3. Did someone close to you give birth?
Nope!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Does my kitty cougar count?

5. What countries did you visit?
Bahamas, Brazil
Citis: Cinci, Philly, NYC, Denver

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
more discipline

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 2, Dec 2, Benazir Bhutto’s death

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating (again), kickin ass and taking names at Delta

9. What was your biggest failure?
Being bullied by the ignorant, letting it get to me

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was healthier than ever, but kept falling and skinning my knees when drunk.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
MY SKIS!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Danny, who always accepted me even when all I could do was cry

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Will Evans (my how things change)

14. Where did most of your money go?
traveling, going out, paying off debt

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
traveling, going out west, going to NYC, skiing, my boy

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Kanye Stronger

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened? happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? richer!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
sleep, ride my bike, party, enjoy life

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
stress out, work

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
family and friends

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Top Gear, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Ugly Betty

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I’d go with am extremely appalled by and disappointed in, but hate implies caring enough to feel strongly, and I don’t think that’s the case

26. What was the best book you read?
Something Borrowed, Daughter of Fortune

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Fall Out Boy?

28. What did you want and get?
new skis! Ski boots, helmet and pants… see a theme

29. What did you want and not get?
One of those ipod alarm clock things (was on the list last year!), a tassimo coffee machine, a Bissell healthy home vacuum

30. Favorite film of this year?
Becoming Jane

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24on March 13. I had to travel on my birthday, so I went out the night before. I was very upset that afternoon, and danny showed up at my door with gifts in tow and totally saved the day

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less debt, a bigger apartment

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
AHHH! I don’t have enough clothes for work!!!

34. What kept you sane?
I must admit that I was insane for a while. A combination of Celexa and the best boy ever brought me back.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
George Hincapie (ok, so no one knows who he is)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
This question is always difficult…. The corruption gets me the most

37. Who do you miss?
My soulmate Melissa, my friend Sarah, Katina

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Danielle Thompson and others from work!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
I suffer from depression, which doesn’t make me a bad person. And I don’t always have to be happy.

Non-rev chronicles, continued

My non-reving karma must be completely gone. Aaron finally made it to New York while Danny and I ended up in Atlanta. We couldn't get to LGA that night, so we went home just to try again the next day. Our luggage went, though.

Sunday morning the flight was pretty booked. Due to re-booking by some not so bright TYS ladies, we were no longer listed together. We told the guy we were in a party, but that didin't prevent him from cancelling and clearning one or the other a couple of times. Finally he just tells danny to get on the plane and find his own seat.

I end up in first class, which is great since daddy d owes me, but I'm sitting next to possibly the most disgusting person on the planet. Dressed and smelling like a bum, this guy obviously had a cold since he insisted on loudly snorting back his snot despite my donation of my entire pack of tissues to him. Not only that, but at one point he begins to cough, spits up his bagel, wipes it off and eats it again. Classy.

The way back was no better. This time both of us were in steerage, and I was sitting next to a nice oal captain until the most enormous black man I've ever seen squeezes himself down the aisle with his wife to the back of the 757. He won't fit in the seat, so much so that when the armrests are down the best he can do is sit on top of them. His wife ends up in the window, him the middle and me on the aisle, armrest-less. This guy proves to be just as enormous of a jackass as he is in size, from telling the flight attendents how to do their jobs, complaining about having to hold his breathe that the seat is too small, and pulling the racism card on several subjects. Not only that, but he tries to impress by sharing all of his aerospace knowledge, including wake turbulence and shear ("man, did you feel that wind shear?") His poor wife wasn't feeling well, evidently due to "altitude sickness."

I'm pretty sure the airplane didn't fail to pressurize.

I'm glad to be home and in the ATL for a few days.