Fade Away

Well you stole my heart
And I'll get it back
But look me in the eye babe
Tell me why ya gonna love me like that
Why ya gonna love me like that

Well I've walked this world
Five times or more
And after all this walking babe
You still got me crawling on the floor
crawling on the floor

And I know this world keeps on turning
Keeps me yearning

How can you turn and walk away
Pretending everything's okay?
How can you turn your back?
Tell me why ya gonna love me like that
why ya gonna love me like that?

Well I thought you'd listen
But I'm shattered like broken glass
Well I thought that we'd be different babe
Yeah, I thought that we would last
I thought that we would last
And I know this world keeps on spinning
Every minute that you're in it

Love me or leave me baby
but don't lead me on
With loving like yours
believe me i'm better off
I'm better off alone

I was your gypsy
Throwing diamonds at your feet
Drifting round you like a satellite
I gave you everything you need
Everything you need
And I know this world keeps on turning
Keeps me yearning and yearning

How can you just break away
Why can't you find the words to say
Love is something you work at
Tell me why ya gonna love me like that
Why ya gonna love me like that
How can you throw us away
Look at what you lost today
Now everything is shades of gray
And now you're pushing me away
Say all the things you want to say
Thought we were going all the way
Play all the games you wanna play
Slowly we just fade away

To Cat or Not to Cat, that is the question...

I'm thinking about getting 2 kitties. I've always been a cat person, despite the crazy allergies that I've developed over the years.

It was my first therapist's idea to get a cat, at which point Piper came to live with me for a while. It worked out pretty well, she cheered me up. But then I started traveling, which meant so did she, and she didn't like it as much as I did. So one time she didn't come back.

Now I'm thinking it might help me again, but a few issues:
1. what about my allergies?
2. what about my traveling?
3. will they be able to measure up to piper?

the allergies I can control... and if they're together, they can stay by themselves so long as they have food and a clean place to poo... and they are very cute...

... so what am I waiting for?

Witch Doctor

I go to this weird chiropractor every once in a while. He doesn't crack your bones so much as he works some sort of weird voodoo magic while barely touching you and fixes not only your physical pain but somehow aligns your chi or cleanses your aura or something along those lines.

For $50 it's not a bad deal.

I went today. I was long overdue. My back was hurting after Brazil. Then earlier this week my shoulder was out of place. He came up with 2 main things today... love and happiness. And he tells me to think about the equation and I don't know what happens but everything lets go. But I am always left wondering, how the heck does he know???

Anyway, now supposedly I'm aligned, at least physically if not emotionally, but it bummed me out a little, anyway.

I used to have it so together. What happened to me?

Or maybe I never had it together in the first place...

Drenched.

Something has to give. This has to be the bottom. I can't take it anymore.

The job. The working around the clock. My ideas getting hosed. The glass ceiling. Old men shooting me down, not on merit but because of power, of a show, because I'm young and female. Spending most of my time cleaning up someone else's mess, instead of using my talent to provide some good. And then? Then it continues. They don't get rid of the idiot, I don't rid myself of the idiot.

My boy. The one who has the power to turn even my worst days around. The one who gave me something to look forward to. The one I put so much into. I drank with him, traveled with him, skiied with him, cleaned up his puke, supported him, dragged my ragged ass all over this country just to see him. And, the very few times that I ask for a little back, that I asked for a visit because I was lonely; that I asked for a day in so I could rest; that I asked for a do-over because I was stressed: he couldn't find it in himself to give it to me.

Somehow he's forgotten all that I am. He's forgotten everything that we are together, everything that we have, how good it can be. And all I can do is hope that he remembers, that it dawns on him how awesome I am, that he can believe in me even when I don't. And I don't know how I can do that so far away.

I guess I can't blame him, so have I. I don't recognize this person either. Who is this girl? I'm not the kind of girl who is desperate for a guy to like her. The kind who doesn't want to go to work in the morning. The kind who sits in the bathroom at work crying. The one who can't focus and has headaches all the time. The one who is always tired, and is now lame. And flakey.

Something has to change. Things have to turn around.

Fire Hose

I feel completely hosed lately. I just can't win.

I poured my heart and soul into someone just to have them turn around and dismiss me like I was nothing. And not only that, but in the most hurtful way possible.

I work my ass off at work. But most of my time is spent fixing the shit that one idiot causes. And not only that, but I get stuck working my ass off when the bastard who caused it disappears.

I've been trying to get back to my life but it's hard when I have to pull all nighters.

I really need a change. Or this needs to be the bottom.

Today

Today is a little sadder than other days and a little harder, too.