Last fall was rough on me. I was going through a major bought of at that time undiagnosed depression. Will was gone a lot. I was under a lot of pressure, from school, from work, from Will. I was lonely. When he was around, it was a constant struggle of fighting his schedule. I was tired of compromising what I wanted and needed for a bicycle. Could I just dictate when we went and left, just once? Sure, personal goals are important. But maybe when someone is sinking, a little more effort should be given to them. I should've known when he deserted me the first time. Who does that? I forgave, only for it to happen again. If I married this man, would I be left alone when times got rough, simply because he "couldn't handle it?"
In a desperate attempt to keep my head above water, I forced myself to go and meet new people. Maybe they could cure the loneliness. They were wonderful, always willing to go out. I grabbed onto new things: racquetball, game night, you name it. I made more friends than ever. I grew tired of being asked where my boyfriend was.
These people lifted me. They didn't know the dark me, they just knew that I was ready for fun. I became the social coordinator. And Danny, he became the first one to respond to my ideas and always show up. I adored his attitude, that he'd rather go out and do something, anything, than sit at home. I couldn't help but be attracted to his fun-loving, easygoing, good-natured personality.
I was confused. I was so close to getting what I wanted: a husband whom I could always count on. Who could offer me the unconditional love and support that I had been lacking. But, Will wasn't it. It wasn't unconditional. I was expected to fawn over every attempt, to be deliriously happy when he walked in the door. Impossible for someone stuggling to keep their head above water, for someone struggling to keep their mind on the right path and control their mood. He didn't understand. There was more pressure, more guilt trips for not being happy. Like in that movie, I believed that a man has to be able to put his wife first. I had absolutely no confidence or evidence that would suggest that Will was capable of doing that.
I started to spend more time with the people who were more accepting of me. My feelings changed, but it was hard to let go. It always had been. He was the first person to give me a glimpse at what true support can be like, and that was invaluable to me. Too bad it had to fit into his schedule and life plans, not when I needed it the most.
I was still so unsure of my decision. Then one day, a sign that I had made the right choice. Christmas day, a message of good wishes from one, nothing from the other. Not surprising, but enough to confirm my suspicions.
And to this day I know that I made the right decision and I have no regrets. Especially given Will's new tendency to be a drama queen and his inability to handle things like an adult. I've had two serious meltdowns with Danny, one on an anniversary. Instead of being upset and giving me a guilt trip about not being happy, he just gave me some of the best hugs I've ever gotten. These meltdowns aren't held against me. He'll sit on the couch with me when I'm down, just watching tv, just accepting. He says not everyone can be strong all the time. This "kid" impressed me with his understanding.
It's nice to be able to be myself. And we've had so much fun, with so much more on the horizon. Skiing, cruising, golfing, playing tennis, partying. With so much more to come, especially with flight benefits kicking in. We match so well on our opinions of when to miss out and when to sacrifice for a life-long memory. The companion pass? Yeah, that would've been wasted on Will.
