Fire Hose

I feel completely hosed lately. I just can't win.

I poured my heart and soul into someone just to have them turn around and dismiss me like I was nothing. And not only that, but in the most hurtful way possible.

I work my ass off at work. But most of my time is spent fixing the shit that one idiot causes. And not only that, but I get stuck working my ass off when the bastard who caused it disappears.

I've been trying to get back to my life but it's hard when I have to pull all nighters.

I really need a change. Or this needs to be the bottom.

Today

Today is a little sadder than other days and a little harder, too.

Cursed.

'I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had.

I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true.

For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded...

...I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back.'

From The Holiday

Something to Believe In

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
So this is goodbye

I've been here before
One day I'll wake up
And it won't hurt anymore

Not Broken

Been alot that I've been through
I cried a tear a time or two
You know I cried some over you
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down

But that ain't enough to break me
Cuz I'll rise above it
And I'll pick myself up
And I'll dust the pain off my heart

And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Been alot of tears stained nights
I thought the tears were here for life
The hurt came on and held on tight
Took a chance, I took a fall
Love broke my heart and shattered all my dreams
But I won't be down on my knees
Cuz I'll rise above it
And I'll pick myself up
And I'll shake the rain out of my heart


Gonna pick my heart up
Take my life back
Shake the hurt away
Pull myself together, put the pieces back in place
I learned love's so hard
Love left my soul scarred
I was shattered inside


And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Faith

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

When the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try baby
And have a little faith, faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here baby
From a whisper, start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me

Well, I've been loving you
For such a long, long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me

You see time, time is our friend
Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is
Have a little faith in me

I will hold you up
And your love gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me

Happy Ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be


It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

Ants in the Pants

I have ants in the pants, I can't wait for Friday. Instead of going to LA, coming back Monday then flying out again Wednesday, I've decided to eat up same vacation days and repay Danny some of his squatter debt.

I wonder if we'll still like each other after 10 consecutive days together.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

This weekend was hard on me, missing Danny wise. First it was cheesy chick flicks that made me want hugs so badly. Then it was shopping for dresses and playing Wii with friends. Then eating Matt's portobello mushroom-canadian bacon concoction.



Most of the time it's ok. Most of the time I like going to workout and cooking dinner for myself and having alone time.

But then sometimes it seems like there are a million things throughout the day that make me think of the boy and make me want to talk to him. Maybe it's because the last time we hung out, it wasn't really quality time so much as it was running around with people to see and places to go.

Then again, visits sometimes just make me remember what I'm missing.

All in all, though, I'm glad things worked out like this and I wouldn't take my decisions back for anything.


Is it Thursday yet? I don't know how you've done it all this time, Wendy Boone.

Best Laid Plans

Despite some good planning on both our parts, the ski trip to Lake Tahoe did not go smoothly. Weather everywhere made my outgoing flight delayed, which stranded Danny at the Reno airport for about two hours. By the time we arrived at the Casino, I had been awake for nearly 24 hours and was extremely cranky.

The skiing was good, but Heavenly was not a great resort. I was still fighting with my boots, which added to my irritability. It was windy, cold, and dumping snow, which aren't the happiest skiing conditions.

Back at the Casino hotel I had a booger bath and a roach dinner. Yummy.

Sunday, despite our best efforts to get to the airport early, we both messed up and missed the flight. That meant finding a place to stay and other flights, which didn't work out for Danny since there was no direct to LAX the next morning. Then, finally, the next morning, the shuttle from the hotel decided to try to make me miss the first flight out as well. Bitchy skywest agents and delays for Danny just added a cherry on top.

Perhaps we're trying too hard.

Californication

Despite the extenuating circumstances (sick mom, sick self, missing the trip to Italy), I couldn't resist seeing my boy so Friday I skipped out of work a little early and got the last seat on the 4pm out to LAX. One movie (Dan in real life) and one Real Simple cover to cover later I landed on the left coast for the first time.

The greater LA area is apparently the land that the turn of the century forgot, as evidenced by the many roller skates, roller blades, skate boards, ska tattoos and many other things forgotten since the 90s.

They also didn't get the memo that it's winter, which made it a nice weekend for walking on the beach, dipping our feet in the super cold Pacific water, and swimming in the heated pool.

I suppose if he has to live far away, the beach is not a bad choice, given my feelings for the ocean. So far the jury is still out on LA, but spending a weekend with my boy? Priceless.

The goodbye? It hurt this time. I guess I got an up close reminder of what I'm missing every day of the week. As Rory said, there's nothing good about a goodbye.

Danny California

As of today I am officially in a cross-country long distance relationship. I left Danny at the terminal on my way to work this morning. I came home for the first time in a long time to an empty apartment, and I realized how much I appreciate his smiling face waiting for me at the end of a long tiring day.

He's currently sitting in his new LA apartment and has already been out for walks on the beach. Yeah, I'm jealous and already I feel like I'm missing important and special experiences.

Due to the hectic February schedule, I'll get to see him briefly mid next week (because I've decided to fly out there for a night to break up the otherwise too long absence) and then after that it's when we meet up at Lake Tahoe to ski on Feb 22.

And I'm sad that he can't go to Rome with me next weekend. And that it happens to be over Valentine's day. :-(

Let it Snow, Part 2

Saturday brought even more snow. I got to play with Alden and Kaya, which was definitely a wish list item that was fulfilled, but at the same time snow ball fights aren't quite as fun without my boy. I'm afraid that I'll become incredibly lame and start missing out on life when he moves simply because I want to share most experiences with him.

Some events have totally flipped around my travel plans and schedule for the next few months, and not necessarily in a bad way. I'm just sad I can't hop over to Japan sooner like I was hoping.

I've been hibernating due to the cold weather. Or the bad sinuses. Or the slump I'm in. Or the exhaustion for the past few weeks (how long can I use that one as an excuse?)

I should figure out which. Back to the tv.

February

So this is what it will be like come February. Just me and Piper. All of the things that I tell myself to make myself feel better will turn into things I miss. I won't come home anymore to a boy collecting coke and beer cans on my coffee table. No more grocery shopping and cooking dinner together, no more spooning, no more personal heater and no more big smile in the morning.

And I tell myself that it'll be nice to have a clean apartment, to not have a reason to rush home from work everyday, that it'll free up time for hobbies, reading, friends.

But the truth is, nothing will make up for the absence of my beloved squatter. And, until February, I have lots of time to dwell on that.

1 Year

It was a drzzly day many moons ago when some friends decided to take a trip to Jacksonville to support their football team. They stayed in a creepy hotel, got wet at the exciting 9-6 loss, and got drunk at the Landing.

And two found out they liked each other.

The rest is history.


1st Year Anniversary Flowers (accompanied by chocolate and a nice fondue dinner!

More ups and downs

The week ended with more ups and downs and so it continues. Today I'm at home on a personal day because boy is really sick and I am really worried. Despite it all, here I am, fretting over him and trying to do whatever I can to make sure he gets better asap.

Plus, his being sick will ruin all of my weekend plans. Blah.

He had me at Merry Christmas

Last fall was rough on me. I was going through a major bought of at that time undiagnosed depression. Will was gone a lot. I was under a lot of pressure, from school, from work, from Will. I was lonely. When he was around, it was a constant struggle of fighting his schedule. I was tired of compromising what I wanted and needed for a bicycle. Could I just dictate when we went and left, just once? Sure, personal goals are important. But maybe when someone is sinking, a little more effort should be given to them. I should've known when he deserted me the first time. Who does that? I forgave, only for it to happen again. If I married this man, would I be left alone when times got rough, simply because he "couldn't handle it?"

In a desperate attempt to keep my head above water, I forced myself to go and meet new people. Maybe they could cure the loneliness. They were wonderful, always willing to go out. I grabbed onto new things: racquetball, game night, you name it. I made more friends than ever. I grew tired of being asked where my boyfriend was.

These people lifted me. They didn't know the dark me, they just knew that I was ready for fun. I became the social coordinator. And Danny, he became the first one to respond to my ideas and always show up. I adored his attitude, that he'd rather go out and do something, anything, than sit at home. I couldn't help but be attracted to his fun-loving, easygoing, good-natured personality.

I was confused. I was so close to getting what I wanted: a husband whom I could always count on. Who could offer me the unconditional love and support that I had been lacking. But, Will wasn't it. It wasn't unconditional. I was expected to fawn over every attempt, to be deliriously happy when he walked in the door. Impossible for someone stuggling to keep their head above water, for someone struggling to keep their mind on the right path and control their mood. He didn't understand. There was more pressure, more guilt trips for not being happy. Like in that movie, I believed that a man has to be able to put his wife first. I had absolutely no confidence or evidence that would suggest that Will was capable of doing that.

I started to spend more time with the people who were more accepting of me. My feelings changed, but it was hard to let go. It always had been. He was the first person to give me a glimpse at what true support can be like, and that was invaluable to me. Too bad it had to fit into his schedule and life plans, not when I needed it the most.

I was still so unsure of my decision. Then one day, a sign that I had made the right choice. Christmas day, a message of good wishes from one, nothing from the other. Not surprising, but enough to confirm my suspicions.

And to this day I know that I made the right decision and I have no regrets. Especially given Will's new tendency to be a drama queen and his inability to handle things like an adult. I've had two serious meltdowns with Danny, one on an anniversary. Instead of being upset and giving me a guilt trip about not being happy, he just gave me some of the best hugs I've ever gotten. These meltdowns aren't held against me. He'll sit on the couch with me when I'm down, just watching tv, just accepting. He says not everyone can be strong all the time. This "kid" impressed me with his understanding.

It's nice to be able to be myself. And we've had so much fun, with so much more on the horizon. Skiing, cruising, golfing, playing tennis, partying. With so much more to come, especially with flight benefits kicking in. We match so well on our opinions of when to miss out and when to sacrifice for a life-long memory. The companion pass? Yeah, that would've been wasted on Will.

Mission: Shenanigans in the Bahamas - Accomplished

Friday

In true Danny and Livia traveling style, we cut it pretty close at the airport. To commemorate our Denver trip, we at breakfast at the same place with the late hash browns. Only, this time they weren't late, but our plane was, so we were fine.

Most eventful flight of my life. Seats so small even I felt cramped, which has only happened in a Cessna 152 before. Screaming kids all around. The one behind me keeps reaching behind the seat and kicking the back of my seat. I become irritated. Danny's irritated cause the kids two rows behind are screaming like the plane ride is a rollercoaster. The guy in the row in front of him is in the aisle, and I think what the hell is this guy doing? Then I see him pull out a box, it's a ring. How romantic, to propose on the no-frills low budget airline. But then I see the ring... after that thing, I could see why he might need to save money.

We make our way onto the Royal Caribbean charter and head to the port. Immediately I can tell this ship is nicer than the Carnival one. After a semi-long check-in process, we're on the boat. We immediately buy drinks in flashy cups. Then comes our first lunch, then pool time... with a bucket of beer. We "muster" - nautical language for practicing in case all hell breaks loose. Even this is more organized than the other cruise line. Back up to the deck to watch us pull out. Nothing like the wind in your hair, sun on your face and a drink in hand. Ahhh... vacation.

That night includes dinner with 2 old couples, some comedy, some drinking, some partying, some midnight snacks. Some gambling... this is not a real casino. Danny loses.

Saturday

The people next door are loud. I get up early for breakfast. Danny is not happy about this, but goes with me since he is such a good sport. We change and head up to the deck again. Mango tango in hand, we pull into Nassau. This is better than the time before, no rising at the ass crack of dawn to see the harbor. Not only that, but it's a beautiful clear day.

We go snorkeling. We pick the excursion with the free rum punch at the end. It becomes overcast, there is a storm over Nassau. Evidently God does not want me to be a snorkler. I stay in the water much longer. Fish are gross. Danny is amused that I keep asking him to make them go away. Eventually my approach is not to look, then I won't know if the fish are touching me. On the way back in, the skies clear up.

We wander around Nassau. Danny buys cigars out of a (fake) coach purse at the back of the straw market. I buy a fake coach purse. We're on the hunt for cheap liquor. I succeed in sneaking 1 bottle of rum up to our room, despite being caught.

Naptime, then formal dinner. Meat and wine. More drinking, wandering around. Shooting stars. Latin dancing. Getting down in the "disco" to the crappy dj. My judgement is impaired: I dance to one of those stupid line dances. We go back to the room and exact revenge on the loud people next door.

Sunday

Stupid people next door are loud again. Why does breakfast have to be earlier every day? I go by myself. We can see the parasailing out our window. We take the 'tender' over to Cococay. There is a drunk man, he keeps repeating GO GATORS! Hmm... must be related to Stewart. Floating on mats with a beer in hand... that's paradise.

Parasailing... one of the coolest things I have ever done. They almost don't let us go because of a thunderstorm and reported water spouts. We are the last people on our time to go. Luck is on our side. It's quiet up there, peaceful. Rough landing. Back to the ship.

Naptime, then dinner time, then losing $100 at craps. But I roll for the first time. No beginners luck here. A little dancing, a little wandering, a little more dancing, then an "early" night. It's hard to party hard every day.

Monday

I'm tired from my vacation. Breakfast is too early. I'm sad to leave the boat. Our bill comes, along with a heart attack. Long lines to disembark... I'm tired of people. Too early at the airport... again in true Livia and Danny traveling style. I finish Life of Pi. And start another. Finally, a small seat back to Atlanta.

Happiness is...

... spooning on a Sunday morning
... sleeping in late
... waking up to a bright smile
... stealing all the covers
... breakfast
... naps on the couch
... going out dancing and/or drinking
... staying in and watching movies
... making dinner
... lots of laughter
... unintentional double entendres
... a sore booty
... motorboats
... assembling furniture in the middle of the night
... going to get dessert
... el jimador margaritas with a salt rimmed glass
... pitchers of beer
... salsa class
... learning to play tennis in my little tennis dress
... and doing really active, athletic things, even though I suck at them
... fighting for the remote
... buying soda even though I don't drink it
... gross TMIs
... trying new things, like food I'd never usually eat
... taking trips
... my first trip out west
... making memories, both sober and drunk
... knowing a bad day doesn't count against me

Smack That

You know those dreams where you're falling and you kinda jump in bed? The ones that feel really real?

This morning I was dreaming that my sister irritated me, and for whatever reason (probably the violence/hostility symptom) I decided to smack her. So I did.

Except it landed on Danny. I woke up somewhere between lifting my arm and hearing the slap on his arm. He thought I was trying to wake him up. I thought it was funny. He disagreed.

However, now I can say we are even... from when he decided to Superman into bed while we were in Denver and punched me in the jaw. While I was sleeping.