Stress

Life is stressful right now. I know that there are those who thought real life would be easier than school, and in some ways it is. But in other ways it's not.

I'm traveling Friday to meet my boyfriend's entire extended family at his brother's wedding (oh yeah, don't forget the meeting-the-family-complex that I acquired from previous boyfriend's redneck backwards family.) The summer crunch is approaching at work and I'm starting to feel it. The overbearing, disrespectful, idiot engineer that I have to work with continues to make my life a living hell. The decisions that he makes behind my back are making the summer crunch look like it's going to be worse and worse. Not to mention the abuse.

It's a lot right now. I think I'll take a personal day tomorrow. Maybe then I'll find some time to sit down and expand on the discrimination I face at work. Or that ex-bf complex. Or that I'm totally flasking it to the wedding.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

This weekend was hard on me, missing Danny wise. First it was cheesy chick flicks that made me want hugs so badly. Then it was shopping for dresses and playing Wii with friends. Then eating Matt's portobello mushroom-canadian bacon concoction.



Most of the time it's ok. Most of the time I like going to workout and cooking dinner for myself and having alone time.

But then sometimes it seems like there are a million things throughout the day that make me think of the boy and make me want to talk to him. Maybe it's because the last time we hung out, it wasn't really quality time so much as it was running around with people to see and places to go.

Then again, visits sometimes just make me remember what I'm missing.

All in all, though, I'm glad things worked out like this and I wouldn't take my decisions back for anything.


Is it Thursday yet? I don't know how you've done it all this time, Wendy Boone.

Go with the flow

Lately I've seen a lot of people settle into the life that we're all taught to want and have. Married out of college. Pregnant immediately after. No time to find yourself, enjoy life, see if your marriage will work, save cause kids cost an arm and a leg.

I am programmed to want this life as well, and I have to wonder how many people actually stop and think about things or whether they go through the motions of it all before they even realize what's happening. I understand more and more how people can turn around 5, 10, 20 years down the road and want out cause they only then realize or admit what they really want. The way things go with this society, I have to believe this is probably the norm.

My anonymous commenter on Wedding Season made some great points. To be honest? I'm still extremely pissed at Will. For many things. For never deserving or amounting to what I thought of him. For throwing away all that hard work in college, everying I did to pull him through undergrad and get him into grad school, by not getting a job in aviation. For throwing away his own dreams. For adopting someone else's life and beliefs without much questioning. I'm livid. Because I wasted so much time on someone who was so clearly clueless. In the end, he ended up being no different than all those flaky girls I struggled to distance myself from in high school and college.

I want more. More than a house, 2.5 kids and a dog in the suburbs. I want to see the world. I want to break through that ceiling at work and kick ass. I want to pay off my debts. I want extraordinary.

And then, after that, I'll settle for a few kids. But in the mountains somewhere, so I can teach them to ski when they're still in diapers

Picking Up the Pace

Yesterday I went to my first spinning class after a too long absence. At my new gym. While I didn't like the bikes, or the teacher, it felt like me. Getting up early and packing multiple bags because I wouldn't be home for forever.

Today I left work with another bag in tow, this time to go practice volleyball with my co-workers. Then I had to rush home to meet Danielle for dinner and ABC watching.

It feels like my old self. I've been living life in slow motion for nearly a year and now I'm starting to speed back up again.

I have to credit my boy. He has the lupus but has settled in to his adult life much better than me. He's riding his bike to work and going to the gym and playing volleyball and running 5ks. Me? I begged him to let me sleep.

But maybe I'll just pick up the pace little by little...

The Airline Biznass

Things have been pretty hectic and psycho at work. And that doesn't include any of the MD-80 madness or today's big announcement. All of a sudden things have been going wrong on the engine fleet I manage. Things are not going according to plan (yes, I have to forecast what shit will hit the fan before each year) and over the last 2 weeks I've had 3 oh shit moments, on top of the other crap I deal with on a daily basis. I'm WAY ahead of plan. And this is a case where being ahead is a bad thing.

The latest, which happened Friday at 10am has been the biggest challenge I've face so far. I'm still spending some QT with Daddy FAA to sort it all out.

And this, this is the quiet before the summer storm. Summer is the busiest time. And I expect even more stuff to hit the fan.

Not to mention the whole Delta taking over the world one airline at a time thing... at least I won't be bored for the next few weeks.

Wedding Season

My ex of three years (and probably two years too long) gets married today. If certain things hadn't happened, that would've been me. He had the ring. He had the plans. And me?

All I can think is Thank God it isn't me.

Things are so different, so much better. I could've ended up living in a house in the suburbs with a man who has no idea who he is trying to fit into a mold that he inherited from his parents. With some kids. And a dog.

But instead, I'm the the beginning of a career, kicking ass and taking names at my job. I've got a boy who, instead of just settling, is also kicking ass and taking names (and writing code) at his job. We live the life. We dream. We get to travel. Ski. Ride bikes on the beach. Go whereever. Drink whatever. See whatever. Laugh together. Get along together. Experience everything. Even the things that I like. Even the new things.

And? I think his family likes me. Or, if not, at least they are welcoming and inviting.

I have to send a thank you note to those friends whom I met in the fall of 2006. They taught me so much.

Thank god it isn't me.

Non-rev Karma

The non-reving world is a funny one. My multiple trips to LA have proven what an interesting and slightly stressful experience it is. There are times when it's the smoothest thing ever and others, well, you end up stuck in the Knoxville airport all day.

My first trip out I got the last seat on the plane, but only because there were groups of two and three that didn't want to split up. On the way back, I had to use up a precious S2 to get the middle seat on the red eye in order to get back in time.

The second time, I left work to catch the flight and it looked wide open. By the time I got to the gate, I was 50th on the list and had to run to catch the flight to orange county. On the way back, I got the a seat in the last row of a 777.

And this time. A hellish flying day in atlanta due to bad weather meant I was 39th on the list and the flight was delayed by an hour. I checked into two others just in case. And then? I got cleared for 1st class. I tried to get out on sunday, but my favorite flight back on the 777 was canceled which backed up the rest of the day. Monday put me on the flight leaving at 1115... it only had room because it was actually scheduled for 730 and ended up with lost of space after everyone deserted and stood by for the later flights.

They say it used to be much easier. Most of the times it's not bad.

Whirlwind

There has been a lack of updating lately. Due to the pace of life and the fact that I can't seem to stay in Atlanta. Even when I slow down, I don't really slow down. Even when I'm in town, I'm not really in town.

Sometimes I just have the desire to stay here, hang with my friends, sit on my couch. Maybe I like to operate at 100 miles per hour because if I slow down, everything will catch up and hit me like a bus.

So in the mean time I'll keep going and ignoring. On the bright side, there is a lot of the world to see and many mountains to ski.

A New Day

Today I got up more or less on time. I made the bed, put on my make up and left for work (more or less on time.)

When I got home, I went to workout.

Makeup and working out... two things that go away easily. Here's to bringing them back.

By the way, I believe this is the worst shape I've ever been in. My running shorts from the last time I was trying to lose weight don't fit. And that's scary.

Here's to a new day.

Best Laid Plans

Despite some good planning on both our parts, the ski trip to Lake Tahoe did not go smoothly. Weather everywhere made my outgoing flight delayed, which stranded Danny at the Reno airport for about two hours. By the time we arrived at the Casino, I had been awake for nearly 24 hours and was extremely cranky.

The skiing was good, but Heavenly was not a great resort. I was still fighting with my boots, which added to my irritability. It was windy, cold, and dumping snow, which aren't the happiest skiing conditions.

Back at the Casino hotel I had a booger bath and a roach dinner. Yummy.

Sunday, despite our best efforts to get to the airport early, we both messed up and missed the flight. That meant finding a place to stay and other flights, which didn't work out for Danny since there was no direct to LAX the next morning. Then, finally, the next morning, the shuttle from the hotel decided to try to make me miss the first flight out as well. Bitchy skywest agents and delays for Danny just added a cherry on top.

Perhaps we're trying too hard.

Symptomatic

It's back. Not full-fledged yet, but it's rearing it's ugly head. The irritability, feeling overwhelmed, oversleeping, not being able to get out of bed.

How is this possible? I'm in treatment already, already doing the drugs. What else is there to do?

I make these big plans, things that'll help me not give in, things that will keep me distracted. But then my couch and bed are so comfortable and its so nice to sit on my butt and watch tv.

Which will not help me get in shape, see my friends or do any of the many other things that I'd like.

Guess I'll just sit on the fence for now.

Californication

Despite the extenuating circumstances (sick mom, sick self, missing the trip to Italy), I couldn't resist seeing my boy so Friday I skipped out of work a little early and got the last seat on the 4pm out to LAX. One movie (Dan in real life) and one Real Simple cover to cover later I landed on the left coast for the first time.

The greater LA area is apparently the land that the turn of the century forgot, as evidenced by the many roller skates, roller blades, skate boards, ska tattoos and many other things forgotten since the 90s.

They also didn't get the memo that it's winter, which made it a nice weekend for walking on the beach, dipping our feet in the super cold Pacific water, and swimming in the heated pool.

I suppose if he has to live far away, the beach is not a bad choice, given my feelings for the ocean. So far the jury is still out on LA, but spending a weekend with my boy? Priceless.

The goodbye? It hurt this time. I guess I got an up close reminder of what I'm missing every day of the week. As Rory said, there's nothing good about a goodbye.

Threes

Ever heard that things come in threes? Well, I'm hoping I'm done. First Danny's hospital visit, then my mom's (she's out now, by the way but no closer to knowing an answer) and I've missed the past two days of work because I was sick. Does sick count as a third? I hope so, because I really don't want to think that something else could be coming my way.

When it rains

January was rough and it seems like February will continue with the onslaught. My new hobby will be visiting hospitals and waiting anxiously for doctors to get a clue and figure something out.

The stress of the past few weeks has started to take its toll on me. I'm coming down with something and facing increasing inertia while life goes on, with or without me.

And I miss my best friend.

Super Tuesday

This past Tuesday I voted in the Georgia Primary. My mom and my sister voted too, it was their first time. It still made me as excited as it was last time, or even moreso, since my left leaning self is practically nonexistent in this red state.

All of the political excitement has spurred dozens of political conversations at work. Outside of my little Ga Tech bubble, I see what this state is really made of. And it's red. Really red. Huckabee won this state, and I'm certain that my co-workers were essential in helping him out. At first I thought they were all joking about being such fans, but when I asked them about his bat-shit-craziness they were in denial. Even after seeing video, they were still denying what they had watched themselves.

As if someone could manufacture that.

It's been interesting... and will be until November, I'm guessing.

Danny California

As of today I am officially in a cross-country long distance relationship. I left Danny at the terminal on my way to work this morning. I came home for the first time in a long time to an empty apartment, and I realized how much I appreciate his smiling face waiting for me at the end of a long tiring day.

He's currently sitting in his new LA apartment and has already been out for walks on the beach. Yeah, I'm jealous and already I feel like I'm missing important and special experiences.

Due to the hectic February schedule, I'll get to see him briefly mid next week (because I've decided to fly out there for a night to break up the otherwise too long absence) and then after that it's when we meet up at Lake Tahoe to ski on Feb 22.

And I'm sad that he can't go to Rome with me next weekend. And that it happens to be over Valentine's day. :-(

Work Stress?

This week was rough at work. I'm not sure I signed up for stress after grad school. A 12 hour days back to back, plus dealing with the Boeing company flight test people, plus dealing with "Elmer Fudd" and the messes he creates for me daily made it one rough week.

That was only 4 days long, thankfully.

Now I'm off on a "mini-break" skiing in Park City, Utah!

Welcome Home

This will be the view from my second home. I must say, it's a nice consolation for the sucky situation.

I'm going to be so tan!

Just a Girl In A Corporate World

Just when I think I have the hang of working in this big corporate environment, things surprise me. Like listening to the webconference of the earnings results and not understanding half the words that are being said (which is ok, cause neither did my boss), wondering if I should get an mba, deciding I never want to be that high up in a company and resenting all the stock holders asking the questions who probably make more than everyone in the room combined.

Then there's always the feeling that I'm well cared for, more recently in the form of a huge lunch in the hanger. Which was awesome, especially since all of TechOps participated.

Then there's seeing my work in the form of actual cost savings, being able to answer questions.

It'll be difficult to give up, especially since I'm loving it right now.

Cloudy

The past few days at work have been pretty good (a just short of stellar performance review, TechOps appreciation day, and seeing results from my efforts), but they've been overshadowed by the cloud that has now settled all around me. I don't have the energy to fight it right now, so I'll just let it sink down.

On Notice, For the Heck of It

Since I haven't done one in a while. This might change as I give it more thought.

Let it Snow, Part 2

Saturday brought even more snow. I got to play with Alden and Kaya, which was definitely a wish list item that was fulfilled, but at the same time snow ball fights aren't quite as fun without my boy. I'm afraid that I'll become incredibly lame and start missing out on life when he moves simply because I want to share most experiences with him.

Some events have totally flipped around my travel plans and schedule for the next few months, and not necessarily in a bad way. I'm just sad I can't hop over to Japan sooner like I was hoping.

I've been hibernating due to the cold weather. Or the bad sinuses. Or the slump I'm in. Or the exhaustion for the past few weeks (how long can I use that one as an excuse?)

I should figure out which. Back to the tv.

Let it Snow

Atlanta was dusted with some snow today. The weather people predicted nothing would happen in the city, but as it was the front came from the south so it first started dumping snow at work at about 4pm. It then proceeded to follow me home.

I love standing in the falling snow. Looking up makes me feel like I'm in my own little snow globe. John, Danny and I had a snow ball fight and made a snow man.

For a few moments, fun and the way the world looks covered in the pure white was all that was on my mind.

Inertia

I've been dealing with a serious case of inertia. After all the craziness that was Christmas, New Years, and Danny's stay at the hospital, and too much to do at work, maybe it's just my body dying for some down time.

But then again, I wasn't exactly moving at the speed of light before all of those events. In fact, I haven't been my usual 150mph self in quite some time. And when I attempted to be everywhere in the past few weeks, I struggled. It's as if my body knows that pushing myself at those limits causes problems and damage that takes months of rest, medication and treatment to recover from.

Meanwhile, I don't feel like myself. I hated leaving the hospital early one night because I was simply exhausted. I hate looking forward to activity in the afternoon then coming home exhausted and plopping down on the couch with some Gilmore girls for the evening.

Maybe this is my new self. It's hard to become accustomed to, especially since I feel so lazy. And since I've haven't participated or done tons of the things that I usually enjoy and that sustain me.

Maybe things will change when the stress of the unknown dies down and I settle into my new altered life.

2007: Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Went out west, lived with a boy, worked a real job, graduated with my masters

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year’s resolutions: stress less, lose the last 10-12 pounds, put myself first, do all those things I've always wanted to

I successfully stressed less (by leaving ASDL), I lost more than 10 lbs (and proceeded to regain it all through depression), and traveled a lot

This year: keep my house clean, eat better, be more active

3. Did someone close to you give birth?
Nope!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Does my kitty cougar count?

5. What countries did you visit?
Bahamas, Brazil
Citis: Cinci, Philly, NYC, Denver

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
more discipline

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 2, Dec 2, Benazir Bhutto’s death

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating (again), kickin ass and taking names at Delta

9. What was your biggest failure?
Being bullied by the ignorant, letting it get to me

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was healthier than ever, but kept falling and skinning my knees when drunk.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
MY SKIS!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Danny, who always accepted me even when all I could do was cry

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Will Evans (my how things change)

14. Where did most of your money go?
traveling, going out, paying off debt

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
traveling, going out west, going to NYC, skiing, my boy

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Kanye Stronger

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened? happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? richer!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
sleep, ride my bike, party, enjoy life

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
stress out, work

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
family and friends

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Top Gear, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Ugly Betty

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I’d go with am extremely appalled by and disappointed in, but hate implies caring enough to feel strongly, and I don’t think that’s the case

26. What was the best book you read?
Something Borrowed, Daughter of Fortune

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Fall Out Boy?

28. What did you want and get?
new skis! Ski boots, helmet and pants… see a theme

29. What did you want and not get?
One of those ipod alarm clock things (was on the list last year!), a tassimo coffee machine, a Bissell healthy home vacuum

30. Favorite film of this year?
Becoming Jane

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24on March 13. I had to travel on my birthday, so I went out the night before. I was very upset that afternoon, and danny showed up at my door with gifts in tow and totally saved the day

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less debt, a bigger apartment

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
AHHH! I don’t have enough clothes for work!!!

34. What kept you sane?
I must admit that I was insane for a while. A combination of Celexa and the best boy ever brought me back.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
George Hincapie (ok, so no one knows who he is)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
This question is always difficult…. The corruption gets me the most

37. Who do you miss?
My soulmate Melissa, my friend Sarah, Katina

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Danielle Thompson and others from work!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
I suffer from depression, which doesn’t make me a bad person. And I don’t always have to be happy.

Non-rev chronicles, continued

My non-reving karma must be completely gone. Aaron finally made it to New York while Danny and I ended up in Atlanta. We couldn't get to LGA that night, so we went home just to try again the next day. Our luggage went, though.

Sunday morning the flight was pretty booked. Due to re-booking by some not so bright TYS ladies, we were no longer listed together. We told the guy we were in a party, but that didin't prevent him from cancelling and clearning one or the other a couple of times. Finally he just tells danny to get on the plane and find his own seat.

I end up in first class, which is great since daddy d owes me, but I'm sitting next to possibly the most disgusting person on the planet. Dressed and smelling like a bum, this guy obviously had a cold since he insisted on loudly snorting back his snot despite my donation of my entire pack of tissues to him. Not only that, but at one point he begins to cough, spits up his bagel, wipes it off and eats it again. Classy.

The way back was no better. This time both of us were in steerage, and I was sitting next to a nice oal captain until the most enormous black man I've ever seen squeezes himself down the aisle with his wife to the back of the 757. He won't fit in the seat, so much so that when the armrests are down the best he can do is sit on top of them. His wife ends up in the window, him the middle and me on the aisle, armrest-less. This guy proves to be just as enormous of a jackass as he is in size, from telling the flight attendents how to do their jobs, complaining about having to hold his breathe that the seat is too small, and pulling the racism card on several subjects. Not only that, but he tries to impress by sharing all of his aerospace knowledge, including wake turbulence and shear ("man, did you feel that wind shear?") His poor wife wasn't feeling well, evidently due to "altitude sickness."

I'm pretty sure the airplane didn't fail to pressurize.

I'm glad to be home and in the ATL for a few days.

Non-rev Sucky Experience #1

Danny, Aaron and I are currently sitting in the Knoxville airport. We've been here since 5:30am and it's likely we won't leave until 5:45. 12 hours.

Our 6 am direct flight to la guardia was overweight, so they left us off. Since then, between some great planning by Delta Connection and some awesome shafting by some gate agents, we've missed each flight since. Each flight has been oversold and/or overweight, and when there were two seats the awesome agent Bell offered them to a family (who declined) but refused to give them to us. No rewards points from me are coming her way.

The 545 flight is wide open, which will put us into LaGuardia at 12am. And to bed at around 1 or 1:30. After we got up at 4:30 to catch our wide open, overweight flight.

I blame CRJs. And Wendy Boone. And the best gate agent ever.

Ny, Ny... I'm trying!

February

So this is what it will be like come February. Just me and Piper. All of the things that I tell myself to make myself feel better will turn into things I miss. I won't come home anymore to a boy collecting coke and beer cans on my coffee table. No more grocery shopping and cooking dinner together, no more spooning, no more personal heater and no more big smile in the morning.

And I tell myself that it'll be nice to have a clean apartment, to not have a reason to rush home from work everyday, that it'll free up time for hobbies, reading, friends.

But the truth is, nothing will make up for the absence of my beloved squatter. And, until February, I have lots of time to dwell on that.

Holiday Stress

This holiday season was stressful. I usually enjoy Christmas shopping and wrapping. I'm on top of it all, finished weeks ahead of time, nothing missing.

Not this time. If it weren't for my sister, I wouldn't have finished at all. Between work and graduation and seeing everyone, I only had one evening to go shopping before leaving town. I had to leave her and my mom a list.

I also now understand why people worry about gaining weight. This is also the first time that I've felt like I've been eating for the past few weeks. There was food at work everywhere everyday between "grazing" and lunches with all different groups.

To be honest, I'm glad it's over with. Now I'm ready for the New Year!

Hey Sonny! Get a Clue!

I voted for Mark Taylor last year. The current governor, who won instead, CONTINUES to give me reasons to despise him.

1. What? Surplus? Yeah, let's keep reducing HOPE benefits. Especially since we know the lottery isn't profitable.
2. What? Surplus? No, the kids don't need healthcare.
3. What? No water??? Should we do something about it? Nah! We'll just pray!
4. What? No water? Economy heading towards recession? Should I work on it? No, I'm going to complain about football instead.

O Christmas Tree

If Danny and I were to have a christmas tree, it would be this one.

1 Year

It was a drzzly day many moons ago when some friends decided to take a trip to Jacksonville to support their football team. They stayed in a creepy hotel, got wet at the exciting 9-6 loss, and got drunk at the Landing.

And two found out they liked each other.

The rest is history.


1st Year Anniversary Flowers (accompanied by chocolate and a nice fondue dinner!

Good News Football

Today featured Chan Gailey (finally) being fired and me acquiring awesome tickets to the SEC Championship on Saturday.

YAY!

I have the best job ever

Yes, I get 2% towards my 401k then they match 100% of the next 5% that I contribute. Yes, the flight benefits are awesome. Yes, most of my coworkers are awesome. But those aren't the only reasons my job is awesome. For an aviation nerd, it doesn't get any better than this.

This past Monday, after going straight to work from the flight back from Brazil (in business class), a coworker informed me in the morning of a flight test on an airplane in my fleet an asked if I wanted to go. I almost turned them down: I'd just spent the entire night on a plane. But, what the heck.

It ended up being a great experience. I got to sit in the cockpit for takeoff, run around (which made me a little motionsick, especially during the turns) to help troubleshoot, and after that was done enjoy some peanuts (which I tasted for the rest of the day) and Sex and the City reruns in the comfort of business class.

And to think I get paid for this. To have fun. It's better than I could have hoped for.

The Motherland

I have returned from the Motherland. The trip was rushed, I didn't even get a chance to visit my hometown or any of the numerous Jesuses that Brasil is so famous for. I did however get to use my portuguese, eat til I was sick, enjoy those foods that I miss and meet family and friends that I adored.

I was sad to leave and I can't wait to go back.

Carnival here I come!

Inagural International Non-rev Attempt: Mission Accomplished

The ticket guy in the employe service center confirmed that we would be in business class, but I still didn't want to count my chickens, considering how unlucky I tend to be. Upon arrival I checked the ship number and sure enough, it was one of mine. Funny... I somewhat remembered that tail number for some reason. Some research told me that this was the plane that diverted last week for oil loss. Goody. At least it was fixed! Anyway, off we went in seat 1F and 1G. Everyone was right. There's no other way to go.

I was a little emotional. All that work, all that time busting my ass. Never an idea that it would lead to flying first class for free to visit my family for the first time in two decades. Life is good.

We were handed champagne when we sat down, we had a five course meal complete with a menu, wine, a linen table cloth for the tray table, real china and silverware, linen napkins and even our own personal salt and pepper shakers. And you're given a little travel kit with eye shades, socks, toothbrush and toothpaste, lotion and chapstick. So, following many glasses of champagne, red wine and port, I passed out (fully reclined, no less) in the middle of Hairspray.

I awoke over cloudy Brasil. I didn't see a thing until final approach. A little trip to the duty free shops and the acquisition of some cubans for boy and we were on our way. 5 hours, some traffic and a lot of ghetto later we arrived in the town that most of my family lives in, called Pouso Alegre. Following a massive lunch with some friends of my Grandma, we went to my great grandma's house to say hello. Four generations of the women in my family, sitting there all together. That was something else, even though she's not completely lucid.

A nap and dinner with my great uncle and aunt finished out the day. Now this whole time difference and not sleeping thing is catching up to me, so it's bedtime.

I'm still investigating that whole toilet flushing backwards thing. Thanks to boy for the reminder. And it seems that every town features a "big Jesus," aka a large "Cristo Redentor" statue. I still want to see the real one, though.

And back comes my native language...

Return to the Motherland

Today I embark on my first international attempt at non-reving (slang for using those flight benefits.) And, most appropriately, my inagural trip will be my long awaited return to the motherland south of the equator.

I'm looking forward to it in ways and not in others. I get to meet family and hopefully learn more about myself. It will be quick, and I have to return to work just 1.5 hours after we land Monday morning. I'll only get to see little Jesus, not big ass Jesus. Not to mention that my travel companion and I tend to butt heads a lot. Good thing my next therapy session is Tuesday morning.

Perhaps I will remember things that I have forgotten. Perhaps my portuguese will come rushing back to me. Perhaps I'll acquire an obscene amount of coffee.

Busy-ness

I guess it's the holiday season... and that means the craziness has set in. Well, actually it's been crazy for awhile, but it's about to get busier.

This weekend: Danny's interviewing in Cali while I'm having a girly weekend with some of my favorite gals at the Biltmore House in Asheville

Next week: Back to the motherland on Thursday to meet some peeps and retrieve the grandmother for Thanksgiving while Danny interviews with Orbital

Nov 24: GT-UGA!
Nov 30: Luciana's art show in Savannah
Dec 1: Thanksgiving part 2 with the TN people
Dec 2: The 1 year anniversary of me and the D Brady (can you believe it???)
Dec 7: Hopping party at the Atlanta Hilton thrown by a customer
Dec 14: Graduation #2
Dec 15-17: Graduation Trip?
Dec 26?/New Years: Probably to New York to see Kristy, ski and party!
January: The Land of the rising sun (mark your calendar, Wendy!) and back to Hartford to visit Sarah for her bday

In between there I have to work, find a dress for the party, acquire some ski boots and try not to let my apartment become even messier than it already is.

Here's to feeling like myself.

When It Rains

Today was one of those days. Those ones where you're dragging ass and that makes you late and you arrive to a gazillion voice mail messages to answer and meetings to attend and questions to answer and when you get a chance to finally take a minute to breathe and look at the clock you realize it’s almost time to go home. And it hits you. How exhausting and complicated getting people from A to B safely really is.

Another Day at the DAL

It's so freakin freezing in this place that my nose keeps running. It gets even colder on the way to the bathroom, so much so that I like to go there and let my hands run just a little under the warm water when I'm washing them. Yeah, ok, not too much since Georgia is running out of water.

I covered a task that is usually in the like such as man's jurisdiction since he's out today (not that that's a bad thing.) When I finished I called up the person who it was for to tell him it was done, to which he replied "thanks, Kiddo."

Seriously?

Stress

This week I experienced work stress like I hadn’t in quite some time. I forgot what it’s like to be that stressed. I didn’t handle it as well as I used to. Before I cracked I could handle days and weeks in that state. That’s what ASDL was. So much stamina and triple venti lattes to do everything that everyone asked and eventually came to expect of me. I don’t have that strength anymore. Just a couple of days of heavy workload and I’m done. Today my mind is wasted. I remember nothing. I can’t pay attention. I’m broken. I need a day off.

My Life

Today I went to go meet my new head doctor. I must admit I've become attached to my current one and am sad to leave her, but I have a good feeling about this one (especially since she was recommended by the current one.)

The first meeting is just an overview get-to-know-you type deal where I try to summarize all that's in my life and why I feel like continuing...

... and in doing so I felt extremely lucky. I've accomplished a lot. I don't only have a job, I have an important job that I enjoy. I'm independent. Financially secure (or well on my way.) Accomplished (trilingual too!) A boy that I'm crazy about. Enough friends that counting by fingers and toes won't suffice: friends old and new, girl friends friends and guy friends, friends from work and from school, from near and far.

And it made me think. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have problems or need medication. What does it take to have it together?

And so I will continue, until the crying over spilled milk goes away and the little things no longer send me into a free fall.

And maybe I'll figure out more along the way...

Flight

"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
-DaVinci

No matter how many times I drive to the airport, go through the mess that is security, sit and wait, often on a late flight or maintenance, deal with the crowds, the people who can't read, I still love the flying part. I request the window seat (when I have the luxury of choosing, which doesn't happen too often when you fly standby) and spend most of the flight with my nose pressed to the window, despit knowng that my neck will cramp up later. When there are cities to look at, ocean, or even when there's nothing to see but sky. Or dark, with the lights of all the other airplanes in our crowded skies twinkling in the void or watching the spiderwebs of cities spreading out beneath me.

On the road again

Airport. Airplane. Up in the clouds. Another (crappy American) rental car, another hotel.

I’m on the road again for work. This time it’s better. Or worse. Waiting in the crown room with the boss, bud light in hand (at 2pm)? A plus. Traveling with the like such as man? Definitely a minus. Marriott? Step up from Cinci. Food? Yum. Open bar? Even better, I need another glass of wine.

This is my industry now. Without meaning to, I have stepped into a life. This isn’t just a jumping point, just something to pass the time while I figure stuff out. There is pride involved with getting people from A to B safely. There is concern when one of the ship numbers I know so well shows up on the pager. There is knowledge I’ve accumulated in my few short months, acquaintances I have made, ideas I have developed,. There is knowledge to be gained from the people who have been in this industry longer than I’ve been alive. They leave big shoes to fill, so much to inherit. There is room for improvement. So much that I could give with my skills.

This is my industry now. And it fits.

More ups and downs

The week ended with more ups and downs and so it continues. Today I'm at home on a personal day because boy is really sick and I am really worried. Despite it all, here I am, fretting over him and trying to do whatever I can to make sure he gets better asap.

Plus, his being sick will ruin all of my weekend plans. Blah.

Rollercoaster

September 27

Down: No ge90 pic
Further: asshole tendencies
Up: Ge90 pic!
Down: bigger asshole tendencies
Up: hearing from Mrs Sanders
Up: chilling with the girls, open bar at the Reds game
Down: boy, lack of commitment

I am not one of those people who likes drama.

Training... or torture?

Today was torture. I didn't sleep well last night, added to the exhaustion from my extended trip on sunday and I completely passed out during the second lecture today. Whoops.

This morning;s speaker was good, but it was downhill from there. Lunch was even worse than yesterday: salads. Seriously? Hey large rather wealthy corporation who owns everything: you can do better than that.

On the bright side, I know everything they're talking about when they talk about design, etc. The mechanical stuff... not so much. And it's been hard to pay attention... Too bad that's the stuff I need to learn.

On the bright side, yesterday's entertainment was D&B and tonights was this awesome authentic German brewery thing, of which there are only two in the world. Good beer, good brats.

Two days down, 2.5 to go!

Tired and Toothpaste-less

Despite relative good luck non-reving up til this point (story to come soon), yesterday was a pain in the butt. I arrived at the airport 45 minutes before my flight, only to be told that I couldn't check my bag. Forgetting that there was a reason I wanted to check it, I tried to go through security. Oh yeah... the 6 oz things I packed. Oops. Not sure of the rules about skipping security when on business travel, I go out, get rid of stuff and go back through only to find that my plane has dispatched early leaving me and 6 other passengers sitting at the gate while they are pushed back and loading baggage. The next flight wasn't until 530, while my co-workers, who conveniently had the rental car, arrived in Cinci at 6pm. I arrived at the hotel at 9pm, after landing at 7 and taking a shuttle that took the scenic route out to nowhere, where GE is located.

All this, because of a tube of toothpaste and some shampoo. It's wasteful, thinking about the thousands of people who end up having to throw away perfectly usable stuff, not to mention that the terrorists are probably laughing at the barefoot oblivious americans while they plot something else that we couldn't possibly think to prevent.

Tardiness

I've been gradually leaving the apartment later and later for work every morning. Monday is was 7:05. Not ideal when my goal is be there between 7 and 715.

Today was definitely the worst. Last night was rough, I woke up around 2:30 am with a sinus headached. I decided to take some drugs and a hot shower to make it go away, which was successful. And, since I got a head start on my morning routine, I delayed my alarm to 5:55am (from the usual 5:30.)

Ok, that's all fine... except instead of hitting snooze, I hit dismiss. Next thing I know, it's 7:45am. I leave at 8am (no breakfast, no makeup, etc) and get caught in really crappy traffic. Who knew it got that bad? I finally arrived at 8:30am...

... and proceeded to stay til almost 6. It's a good thing I work a 9-80, because 8 hour days wouldn't be long enough.

Energy

I visited the psychiatrist again last Friday. I just can't seem to get moving in the afternoons, which kinda defeats the purpose of having an awesome job where I get home early.

She said it seems like most of my symptoms have receeded, but that the funny thing is that people usually get their energy to do things before their motivation. I have motivation... I think... but when I get home, it seems like all the energy and momentum is gone.

It's been a month since I've started working, so I figured I should be more or less adjusted by now, but it just isn't happening...

Meanwhile my lazy-bumness has been a disappointment for many friends, which makes me sad.

Cat Lady

I have always loved kitties, thus have always been at risk for cat lady syndrome. Well, now I'm on my way.

Meet my new houseguest, Piper.



If she likes it, she will stay.

Immaturity Ensues

And so the running away continues. The blocking, the threats about cops and restraining orders. As if any of these actions are a way of handling things.

Blocking and threatening won't change the status quo, or the past. It does, however, change how people view them. They go from this cool person to a complete drama queen. Hey, that's their perogative I suppose, but you'd think one would not want people to view them like that.

Meanwhile, the rumors are flying. Big blue balls? Preganancy? Mommy found a girl she approved of and arranged things? I love that of all the things I've heard, none of them have anything to do with happiness or being in love.

All of this lends much to my amusement... in between everything else that's going on.

Oh the places we'll go!

My flight benefits kick in Friday. I'm so excited... so is everyone I know who get to indulge with me. On the agenda...

September: Memphis, Cincinnati (for work), Mom's going to Brasil
October: Japan (to see Wendy!!), Harftord for work
November: Brasil
February: Carnival in Brasil!

On the list:
Bulgaria (to see Krista!)
Italy, Spain and probably the rest of Europe
New York
Las Vegas
California
Skiing at (but not limited to) Tahoe, SLC, Denver, Canada

This has to be one of the best benefits ever, especially for those who love to travel.

Crash Course in Corporate Culture

Not only is this my first real career based job, it is also my first time working for a large company. There are so many organizational charts and trees, with me at the very bottom. I have a manager, a senior manager, he has a manager, then there's the Sr VP of the division. And he reports to someone else who reports to someone else who reports to the CEO. If I wanted to climb the ladder, that's a long way to go.

I never imagined myself in this sort of situation, but I imagine it had to happen given the industry. So, given that I'm a novice to the world of corporate culture, this past week handed me a crash course, covering several different topics.

It started with the announcement of a new CEO. It caught many in the organization by surprise. Me? I'm new, I still don't know what's going on. Many had an allegiance to the young COO who captured the hearts of the employees during bankruptcy. Others had hoped for the CFO, who is a little more seasoned and also has quite a following, to take the helm. Many were shocked when the news hit that we're getting someone from the outside.

My general manager called a meeting to discuss the transition with our team. I appreciated his candor. Many expressed disappointment that it wasn't an "inside job." This organization prides itself on the ability of its workers to climb the ranks, to make a career for themselves. Bringing in an outsider cast doubt on many's hopes. Some, including the co-worker whose job I am inheriting, grab onto the negative: look where he worked previously, what people have heard about him. Others, including the coworker I hope will become my mentor, have a more objective perspective. The COO is young. The new CEO has a lot of experience, he did a good job previously considering the circumstances. Me? I guess I am lucky to have objectivity. My allegiances are growing, but I'm not extremely emotionally involved yet. The new guy? We'll wait and see.

Thursday afternoon brought a meeting request from the Sr Vice President of my division. The entrance into bankruptcy brought a lot of job cuts and shifting within the organization, but no reducement in work. This has overloaded the workers in my division. The managers say we're 10 bodies short of a lean organization. The Sr VP wanted to discuss the work load concerns. He was amused that I've only been with the company for a few weeks. He was awesome, I left with a warm and fuzzy feeling. He talked about values as an organization. How safety and compliance comes first, no matter what. Not even if it means delays and unloading a/c full of people. He talked about how we work as a team, about the importance of integrity, dignity and respect. But his last point took it home for me. He said we're a family, and that no member should ever get left behind, for any reason. Personal reasons, anything. He said he would break every rule in the book to make sure that our "family" is taken care of.

In a world of overpaid CEOs, this made me feel much better. I could've worked anywhere else. The benefits are beyond awesome, second to none in the industry. But not only that, now I can rest easy about my management.

I'm glad I ended up here.

Karma

Wendy: i would refuse to accept a ring that was meant for another girl
that's just cheap and horrible.

Agreed... unless one is old and desperate. Either way, forever another girl will wear a ring that was inspired by me. Flattering for me, pathetic for her. And for the guy who can't think up of something else to give the girl.

What a compliment.

Too amusing. Things can turn out better than you could ever hope or plan for.

He had me at Merry Christmas

Last fall was rough on me. I was going through a major bought of at that time undiagnosed depression. Will was gone a lot. I was under a lot of pressure, from school, from work, from Will. I was lonely. When he was around, it was a constant struggle of fighting his schedule. I was tired of compromising what I wanted and needed for a bicycle. Could I just dictate when we went and left, just once? Sure, personal goals are important. But maybe when someone is sinking, a little more effort should be given to them. I should've known when he deserted me the first time. Who does that? I forgave, only for it to happen again. If I married this man, would I be left alone when times got rough, simply because he "couldn't handle it?"

In a desperate attempt to keep my head above water, I forced myself to go and meet new people. Maybe they could cure the loneliness. They were wonderful, always willing to go out. I grabbed onto new things: racquetball, game night, you name it. I made more friends than ever. I grew tired of being asked where my boyfriend was.

These people lifted me. They didn't know the dark me, they just knew that I was ready for fun. I became the social coordinator. And Danny, he became the first one to respond to my ideas and always show up. I adored his attitude, that he'd rather go out and do something, anything, than sit at home. I couldn't help but be attracted to his fun-loving, easygoing, good-natured personality.

I was confused. I was so close to getting what I wanted: a husband whom I could always count on. Who could offer me the unconditional love and support that I had been lacking. But, Will wasn't it. It wasn't unconditional. I was expected to fawn over every attempt, to be deliriously happy when he walked in the door. Impossible for someone stuggling to keep their head above water, for someone struggling to keep their mind on the right path and control their mood. He didn't understand. There was more pressure, more guilt trips for not being happy. Like in that movie, I believed that a man has to be able to put his wife first. I had absolutely no confidence or evidence that would suggest that Will was capable of doing that.

I started to spend more time with the people who were more accepting of me. My feelings changed, but it was hard to let go. It always had been. He was the first person to give me a glimpse at what true support can be like, and that was invaluable to me. Too bad it had to fit into his schedule and life plans, not when I needed it the most.

I was still so unsure of my decision. Then one day, a sign that I had made the right choice. Christmas day, a message of good wishes from one, nothing from the other. Not surprising, but enough to confirm my suspicions.

And to this day I know that I made the right decision and I have no regrets. Especially given Will's new tendency to be a drama queen and his inability to handle things like an adult. I've had two serious meltdowns with Danny, one on an anniversary. Instead of being upset and giving me a guilt trip about not being happy, he just gave me some of the best hugs I've ever gotten. These meltdowns aren't held against me. He'll sit on the couch with me when I'm down, just watching tv, just accepting. He says not everyone can be strong all the time. This "kid" impressed me with his understanding.

It's nice to be able to be myself. And we've had so much fun, with so much more on the horizon. Skiing, cruising, golfing, playing tennis, partying. With so much more to come, especially with flight benefits kicking in. We match so well on our opinions of when to miss out and when to sacrifice for a life-long memory. The companion pass? Yeah, that would've been wasted on Will.

Coming and Going

While my most favoritest person on the planet has departed for a brief trip up to the land of not so f-ing hot, one of my other favorites has just returned from a prolonged absence. That makes me really happy, especially since after getting an email from me, they called at 7am to check-in.

I think we all could use a little more consideration and love like that in our lives, but I'm not going to lie. I'm in extra need.

Thankfully I'm blessed with many who are willing to pick up the slack from the others who constantly let me down.

Released

After catching wind of my "late" night yesterday, my manager insisted that I go home early, immediately after our meeting to go over the results of the late night. This was at 12.

I just got home, so as you can see that didn't happen. When it rains it pours.

I guess, in a nutshell, I am now working girl.
Right now working girl is going to go sit her ass on the couch and eat cookie dough.

Daylight

Today I worked literally from sunrise to sunset. Fortunately I saw the sun when my group went out for a goodbye lunch. My first long haul day at my new job, 13+ hours. Just a few weeks in, I have a huge task at hand. Come up with the fleet management plan for my fleet for the next 3 years. All removals, failures, etc. Millions of dollars at stake. No pressure.

It's fun. But I'm tired.

All in a day's work

As part of my training and learning for my job, they sent me to work in the shop with the mechanics one day this week. They were tearing down a contract engine for heavy maintenance. Not one in my fleet, but a variant.

IMG_5933
Originally uploaded by lcarneiro

It. was. so. cool.

I've always liked to get my hands dirty, be it fixing the bikes or changing the oil on my car. This was above and beyond. Massive tools to do certain functions. So many bolts and bearings. So much that the theory classes in school didn't even begin to hint about. So much dipping by the mechanics. No wonder, it's hard work.

They are skeptical of me. I am young and female. Two strikes. But, I brought donuts and homemade cookies. I am now their favorite engineer.

Desk Job?

I have a desk, and a job, but that in no way means I have a desk job. I do, however, have blisters on top of blisters. Fruitless comfortable shoe shopping and blister-healing band-aids.

Maybe it'll become more desk-jobish once I get into my regular tasks. Which is hard to do without my password that has been mailed to my house for security reasons. Seriously? Because someone is trying to crack into my work account and... book non-revenue flights?

The computer fairy visited me and now I have a shiny new hp laptop. It connects to a big gross monitor via dock when I'm in the office and to the network via VPN for working from home.

This, of course, is useless without said password.

Not withstanding, I like my job. So far.

Career Days 1 and 2

So. much. walking. This building is huge like whoa. They need street signs, because every corner looks the same. How do I get back to my car? So much confusion.

So many faces, all smiling. Glad everyone wears badges. And offices feature namplates. Cubes as far as the eye can see, and then more.

Airplanes just sitting there when I walk outside. Millions of parts. Who realizes that getting from A to B is this complicated?

My own nameplates. I have no computer. I have a phone, but it wasn't operational until today. I also have no cell phone reception.

7am is early. Dead tired. 8am meetings every day. Must find drinkable coffee. Hear the cafeteria has good breakfast. Yum yum.

Working Girl

Today I said goodbye to the lab and all the wonderful (and not so) people that I've worked with there over the years.

Bittersweet. I will miss my research, my cubemate, my coworkers, the flexibility. I will not miss the hours, the stress, the anxiety, the low salary.

Tomorrow, my career starts. The one I've been dreaming of for years. Well, not really... Thursday for real. Tomorrow my team is taking a team building trip to D.C.

How many people get to start a job with a trip?

The Downward Spiral

This must be what drowning feels like. Gasping for air, trying to keep your head above water as it becomes harder and harder. Water rushing in around you.

Hypersensitive. Everything cascades. I want to kick and scream and cry and carry on. Who is this crazy girl in my head? I'm tired. It's been months. Fix me already.

Not logical. Bottle it up. So much damage already. Who else will I lose if I let it out? It's lonely inside my head.

Mission: Shenanigans in the Bahamas - Accomplished

Friday

In true Danny and Livia traveling style, we cut it pretty close at the airport. To commemorate our Denver trip, we at breakfast at the same place with the late hash browns. Only, this time they weren't late, but our plane was, so we were fine.

Most eventful flight of my life. Seats so small even I felt cramped, which has only happened in a Cessna 152 before. Screaming kids all around. The one behind me keeps reaching behind the seat and kicking the back of my seat. I become irritated. Danny's irritated cause the kids two rows behind are screaming like the plane ride is a rollercoaster. The guy in the row in front of him is in the aisle, and I think what the hell is this guy doing? Then I see him pull out a box, it's a ring. How romantic, to propose on the no-frills low budget airline. But then I see the ring... after that thing, I could see why he might need to save money.

We make our way onto the Royal Caribbean charter and head to the port. Immediately I can tell this ship is nicer than the Carnival one. After a semi-long check-in process, we're on the boat. We immediately buy drinks in flashy cups. Then comes our first lunch, then pool time... with a bucket of beer. We "muster" - nautical language for practicing in case all hell breaks loose. Even this is more organized than the other cruise line. Back up to the deck to watch us pull out. Nothing like the wind in your hair, sun on your face and a drink in hand. Ahhh... vacation.

That night includes dinner with 2 old couples, some comedy, some drinking, some partying, some midnight snacks. Some gambling... this is not a real casino. Danny loses.

Saturday

The people next door are loud. I get up early for breakfast. Danny is not happy about this, but goes with me since he is such a good sport. We change and head up to the deck again. Mango tango in hand, we pull into Nassau. This is better than the time before, no rising at the ass crack of dawn to see the harbor. Not only that, but it's a beautiful clear day.

We go snorkeling. We pick the excursion with the free rum punch at the end. It becomes overcast, there is a storm over Nassau. Evidently God does not want me to be a snorkler. I stay in the water much longer. Fish are gross. Danny is amused that I keep asking him to make them go away. Eventually my approach is not to look, then I won't know if the fish are touching me. On the way back in, the skies clear up.

We wander around Nassau. Danny buys cigars out of a (fake) coach purse at the back of the straw market. I buy a fake coach purse. We're on the hunt for cheap liquor. I succeed in sneaking 1 bottle of rum up to our room, despite being caught.

Naptime, then formal dinner. Meat and wine. More drinking, wandering around. Shooting stars. Latin dancing. Getting down in the "disco" to the crappy dj. My judgement is impaired: I dance to one of those stupid line dances. We go back to the room and exact revenge on the loud people next door.

Sunday

Stupid people next door are loud again. Why does breakfast have to be earlier every day? I go by myself. We can see the parasailing out our window. We take the 'tender' over to Cococay. There is a drunk man, he keeps repeating GO GATORS! Hmm... must be related to Stewart. Floating on mats with a beer in hand... that's paradise.

Parasailing... one of the coolest things I have ever done. They almost don't let us go because of a thunderstorm and reported water spouts. We are the last people on our time to go. Luck is on our side. It's quiet up there, peaceful. Rough landing. Back to the ship.

Naptime, then dinner time, then losing $100 at craps. But I roll for the first time. No beginners luck here. A little dancing, a little wandering, a little more dancing, then an "early" night. It's hard to party hard every day.

Monday

I'm tired from my vacation. Breakfast is too early. I'm sad to leave the boat. Our bill comes, along with a heart attack. Long lines to disembark... I'm tired of people. Too early at the airport... again in true Livia and Danny traveling style. I finish Life of Pi. And start another. Finally, a small seat back to Atlanta.

Sick Day

I used to be sick all the time, but since my surgery I've been doing fairly well - a sinus headache here and there but nothing major.

Until my head cold. That has chosen the worst possible time to show up. I have a lot to do in the next few weeks, not to mention that the cruise is Friday and I want to make the most of it. Although, since my moodiness makes me feel lazy, this is a perfect excuse to actually be lazy, except that I can't motivate myself to send out my netflix movies, go to the store for more tissues and medicine, or fold the laundry that's been sitting there for days.

It's just me in my messy apartment with my bear, all the seasons of Gilmore Girls and my thoughts. Fun stuff.

Goodbye Grandpa

Today we say goodbye to my "Grandpa," Cougar. I don't know what else to say except that it's like losing a family member. Since I was a little girl, he's always been there. Getting into mischief, providing us with laughs and love. Probably the best cat to have ever lived. He let us put him in our baby doll cribs and carriages and dress him up. He knew when it was time for him to get his "kitty crack." And so many more memoreies.

That he's made it this long is a testament to his life, he was always strong, extremely alpha male, and I will miss him a lot. So, in pictures, here's to you Grandpa.

Cry Baby

The happy pills aren't supposed to make me happy all the time, but they are supposed to balance my mood. I'm not so sure they're working, because today when I went to get a refill the pharmacist was giving me a hard time (I was trying to transfer my happy pill so it would be more convenient for me to pick them up.) I proceeded to walk to the car and cry about it.

This comes after seeing the psychiatrist today to make sure 1. I was diagnosed correctly (bipolar seems to run in the family - and, for those skeptics out there, it's only treatable by medication) and 2. that I was being treated correctly. She was very helpful and confirmed that it's clinical, agrees with the medication, and made me feel a little bit better about the events of last week. She said she could understand my reaction given the circumstances and that it didn't necessarily reflect my overall mental state. I guess having someone acknowledge that makes it a little easier to not worry that I'm batshit crazy and let go of a little bit of the anger that I have towards myself.

That being the case... maybe I was always a cry baby. Is it normal, at least for me, to cry about things like that? Too sensitive maybe? Or maybe events of late have just set me back a little.

Either way, I'm ready to feel better.

Dead To Me

Today the Tour started. This year, I am short one watching buddy. And I am sad. Summer is my favorite time with this buddy, with watching in the morning and out riding in the afternoon. Except, lately, I couldn't oversee their flaws anymore. Years later, their self-absorbed nature and unwillingness to put others first finally got to me. These past few months have been really rough on me, and this buddy just added to it. Why miss such a jerk?

Not only added to it, but became toxic. Couldn't put themselves aside for one night to celebrate everything that I've been working towards for years. Made me feel bad about being depressed. The tears, hositility, irritability - all symptoms that have been improving - were just "tantrums" to this person. They had no compassion and made no effort to understand my situation. They threatened me, both verbally and physically. Then overreacted when I attempted to defend myself. As if any girl, when being physically intimidated by a guy much larger than her, would've just sat there.

I have a small support circle. It takes a lot for me to trust someone enough to add them. And, once someone is in, it takes a lot of disappointment to be kicked out. I'm still in a little bit of shock that I had to kick this person out. But, now that I think about it, they've always been this way. I just decided to overlook it before.

The good news is I can ignore them. Not only that, but with lots of hard work, therapy and medication I will and am going to get better. They, however, have no excuse for their behavior. That's who they are, they will always be stuck with that. It'll bite them in the ass and has already started to. Now they cannot count me, one of the most dependable, generous, caring and loyal people I know, as a friend. Not only that, karma will get them.

And, if not, maybe I'll help it along a bit.

Lost

Do you ever look at yourself and wonder, how did I get here? Is this really my life? I thought I was doing better, thought I was making progress. Now I have to admit to myself that there are worst parts of me than I thought, that I am more damaging than I thought. That is so disheartening.

What about all I've done to get here? On the brink of starting the life that I've busted my ass for. With friends who are so awesome that they make up for the support I should have in other places. With people who admire and respect me, those who like me. Are they wrong? Which part is really me? Do they deserve to be around someone so crazy, so toxic?

Life is really hard right now. I hate that I couldn't handle it, that I need help, that I "have a problem." I'm supposed to be tough. Supposed to be able to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and more. To admit to being broken is admitting that I am not who I thought I was.

Signing Cruise... I mean Bonus

Danny and I are going on a cruise! I've decided to half my signing bonus (aka all of it after taxes) on one last big trip before I join the real world. We'll be sailing on Royal Caribbean's Sovereign of the Seas to Nassau and Cococay, Bahamas. I'm excited, and I think he is too. After all, it encompasses most of his favorite activities: eating, drinking and gambling. One stop shop.

Sugar Mama

I have often referred to the mother of the kids I babysit as my Sugar Mama. She got this title by giving me awesome gifts like my ipod mini, her hand me down purses (including Juicy Couture and Coach), many gift certificates and lots of other stuff along the way.

This past Saturday she really pulled out the stops. I was driving us back to her house after watching the kids swim at GT (very awesome experience... the kids I taught to swim competing in the pool at my alma mater!) when she asked if we could run a few errands. After all was said and done, I was in possession of several really nice Ann Taylor outfits, old navy clothing and a gift certificate, new bedding for my bedroom, a new vacuum and gift certificates to Starbucks and Zaxbys.

I am just totally in awe of her generosity. I attempted to refuse payment for dog sitting this past weekend, but she insists. It's rare to come across such generous and caring people, and I feel very fortunate to have them in my life. Especially right now.

Just in time

Yesterday and today I tried went riding with a new girl on the team, Stephanie. Yesterday I went on the AVX recovery ride, and today she and I went to Big Creek in Roswell to do some mountain biking. Afterwards I told her about my dance classes and she went with me!

I've been looking for a girl riding buddy for forever, and she's pumped about doing some riding. Which is awesome. She's a good mountain biker and just got a road bike recently. She comes in just the nick of time as I am (don't want to count my chickens)/was hurting for a riding buddy.

As awesome as all this is, though, I still wish I had a mentor. Someone to coach, motivate, push and answer questions. She and I are both newbies, so she won't be as useful as someone who can give me pointers. Although I'll be fine on my own, I do everything else in life on my own. It'd be really nice to have some support and encouragement in this venture.

Perhaps now my summer of speed can start.

Feeling Better?

The other day someone very close to me told me I've been "looking better." I took it as a huge thing. In a good way.

I still overreact and have a hard time being in control. But maybe I'm feeling better, because today, after being extremely upset, I left work early. Ok, that's not good and not that different from other days this summer. But just a little while ago I would've gotten into bed and cried the rest of the afternoon, evening and night away. I would've cancelled everything I had on the agenda, except for maybe snuggling with my favorite boy (who never fails to make me feel better).

Today, I'm going mountain biking. Then to hip hop class with Susan.

That's got to be a good sign, right?

Sick to my Stomach

When Bush vetoes a stem cell research bill because it's "unethical," I feel sick to my stomach.

It also happens when the vice president insists that he is not a member of the executive branch, in order to keep records secret.

This administration is awesome.

I laugh too much

What is your Sexual Obituary?

Filled with laughter, Livia died while in the sack with their lover, Akon. Livia will be terribly missed by Don Juan.

'What is your Sexual Obituary?' at QuizUniverse.com

Coming soon to an airport near you.

Call me Miss Delta. Starting July 16 I will be gainfully employed at Delta AirLines as a 767 operations engineer on the Propulsion Fleet Management Team for the 757-767-777.

That comes with a salary, flight benefits (ask me to visit!), health, 401 k and a flex schedule.

The Hip Thing

"Were my friends right? Had I crossed the line from pleasantly neurotic to annoyingly troubled?"
~Carrie, Sex and the City

That pretty much sums up how I feel. Annoyingly troubled. In this episode, Carrie's friends try to get her to go see a shrink. She says she thinks it's self indulgent. I saw a lot of myself in what she said.

The truth is, I know I'm "annoyingly troubled." So much so, that I annoy myself. I'd like to cross back over. To be in control. I've been taking the steps, but I guess they take time.

As for therapists, I recommend them. My sister once said something similar to what they said on the show. When Carrie argues that there is no point in paying a therapist when you could talk to friends then go out for a drink afterwards, Samantha points out they they all have problems and it's like "the blind leading the blind." So true.

Plus, an objective ear is always good. I'm sure even after my Tech treatment is over, I'll continue somewhere else. So yes, I'm one of "those" people, the ones with a therapist. It's the hip thing to do, right?

Perfect Girl

by Sarah McLachlan

Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
in your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
all your expectations bury me

Dont worry you will find the answer if you let it go
give yourself some time to falter
But dont forgo knowing that youre loved no matter what
and everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them round till Im the one who brings you down
Make me feel like Im the one to blame for all of this

You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
Youll find yourself allright alone
Youll find yourself with open arms
Youll find yourself youll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
cause I cant compete I cant deny theres nothing that I didnt try
how did I go wrong in loving you

Updated

Interview

My phone died right before my interview today. Later when I got home and plugged it in, I was inundated with calls and messages from many people wishing me well and wanting to know how it went. I had a message from Danny at 3:14, 3 minutes after I got in the car (although it didn't show up til later cause of the dead thing.) Even my sugar mama, the busiest and hardest to get in touch with woman on the planet, called me.

I was overwhelmed and touched by everyone's thoughfulness.

I think it went well. News in 1.5 weeks!

Fingers Crossed

I have another interview tomorrow, for a position I really want. I've been told the manager is "really receptive" to me. Still, I don't want to get my hopes up. Sometimes it seems like having things turn out the way I want after all this time and work will never happen. Like it's too much to ask.

I've told everyone I know about it. Maybe all of my support group pulling for me will send me good vibes or something.

Happiness is...

... spooning on a Sunday morning
... sleeping in late
... waking up to a bright smile
... stealing all the covers
... breakfast
... naps on the couch
... going out dancing and/or drinking
... staying in and watching movies
... making dinner
... lots of laughter
... unintentional double entendres
... a sore booty
... motorboats
... assembling furniture in the middle of the night
... going to get dessert
... el jimador margaritas with a salt rimmed glass
... pitchers of beer
... salsa class
... learning to play tennis in my little tennis dress
... and doing really active, athletic things, even though I suck at them
... fighting for the remote
... buying soda even though I don't drink it
... gross TMIs
... trying new things, like food I'd never usually eat
... taking trips
... my first trip out west
... making memories, both sober and drunk
... knowing a bad day doesn't count against me

Smack That

You know those dreams where you're falling and you kinda jump in bed? The ones that feel really real?

This morning I was dreaming that my sister irritated me, and for whatever reason (probably the violence/hostility symptom) I decided to smack her. So I did.

Except it landed on Danny. I woke up somewhere between lifting my arm and hearing the slap on his arm. He thought I was trying to wake him up. I thought it was funny. He disagreed.

However, now I can say we are even... from when he decided to Superman into bed while we were in Denver and punched me in the jaw. While I was sleeping.

Foursome

Regarding my post about Piper, I must make a retraction. I got a call this morning while I was in the shower that she re-appeared.

That little shit.

You Have To Take the Bad With the Good

That's what Danny told me when I was mid-meltdown the night after an amazing day of animal-gazing, cow-eating and wine-drinking. We had our 6-month date which included a surprise tour through ghetto-Atlanta, my first trip to the zoo in forever, and dinner reservations at Ruth's Chris for possibly the most expensive dinner of my life. And then I put in a very strong attempt at ruining it. But he was very understanding. Which is why he's awesome.

I suppose others either disagree, or think the good isn't worth it.

Well, I completely agree.

Except for when Danny uses that line after sticking his finger up my nose or in my ear. Then I think we're both crazy.

And Then There Were Three...

My kitty Piper has been missing for three days now. Although she is naughty and doesn't like to come in when she's supposed to, this isn't like her. She was wearing her tags and searches for her have come up with nothing. Due to the proliferation of coyotes in the area, I have to think the worst.

I'm very sad. She was my kitty. When she was a kitten, her nose started turning black. Except it never finished, so she just had a dot on it. And one in the roof of her mouth. When I lived at home, she would wait at the door for me in the evenings. I would walk upstairs to drop my bags off and she would follow me. She'd sit on my lap while I sat at my desk working on homework. The opening and closing of the cd drive fascinated her to no end. She loved her little rubber ducky and would steal the stuff dinosaur from me when I made it squeal. She loved sitting inside of things: bags, boxes, drawers, her little kitty tent. She hated the kids and would hide from them. She liked to get dirty outside and often came in orange as opposed to black and white.
I'm going to miss her a lot. I wish we could find her tiny body so that we could put her next to Ringo and Einstein.
Now there's just Cougar, Sabrina and Sam. And Cougar's time, since he is 20 years old, will soon also come to an end.

Conflict

Why is it that friends are always at their busiest and most stressed when you need them the most? Is this another one of life's little cruel tests? Where is the line between asking a friend to be there and asking too much? Is counting on them a sign of trust, or a sign of being too selfish and demanding?

Is it fair to ask one friend to cancel on plans because you "need" them? What if the person they are cancelling on also needs them? How do you decide? What about asking someone to skip something they enjoy to keep you company? It doesn't seem like a huge sacrifice... or is it?

This week, these past two days in particular, have been difficult.

And lonely.

Blessed.

I am one very lucky girl. Here's hoping I can always remember that.

Weekend

Friday: Partying in Dalton, a night of several firsts (but I missed my party buddy)
Saturday: Pirates and dinner with some of my oldest, best friends
Sunday: Cookout, Indy and Nascar watching, tennis and pool time
Monday: Ultimate, cookout, beach volleyball, waterslide time

At this point last year I wouldn't have been able to play as well (not that I played well anyway) because I wasn't in good shape. However, I did struggle with endurance. I suppose being a sloth for the past few weeks and having lower energy than usual didn't help.

These are the kind of weekends I live for. And yet, it was still bittersweet. Not everyone who should've been there was there, and their absence was noticed by many.

Breakthrough

Today, I made a breakthrough. I had fun. Mountain biking. Yep, me. The one who doesn't like mountain biking.

Previously, mountain biking was really tough on me. I wasn't comfortable on it. It was really tough aerobically. My inability to get enough oxygen made me feel dizzy. All the exertion made me feel sick to my stomach.

This was my third attempt to get out there in two weeks. The previous two attempts ended up in me sitting on my butt in front of the tv. But today, I felt a little like myself when I woke up (despite waking up extremely late) so I decided to take advantage and get out there.

I took it easy at first. I thought it was an enormous step for me to just be out there in the first place, especially mountain biking. It's something that even at my best I don't ever really feel like doing. But everything lined up today and I had a good time. My mission was to complete the easy loop in 6 minutes. At first I just told myself that it was a big enough deal for me to be out there and that I didn't have to push if I didn't feel like it. But on my next turn out, I looked down and saw the time and all of a sudden the competitive part of me that had been sleeping for a few weeks woke up and pushed. I ended up finishing that loop in 6:27, the next in 5:48 and the last in 5:19.

I'm really proud of myself, to the point of being ecstatic. And even more excited to feel a little like myself. I'm going to try to grab on to that feeling and not let go. Part of me wonders if it's the new medicine.

To my mountain biking mentor: Your patience and advice helped me to have fun for the first time since I made the semi-large investment in mountain biking. I'm excited that my better fitness, ability to breath and effort have begun to pay off. But more than that, you gave me a glimpse at what I am capable of, at who I really am, and at this time in my life that is invaluable. I look forward to giving some back when I am better.

Update

The first medicine I tried made me worse. When I mentioned this to friends, they said it was obvious. It was not so obvious to me. I suppose I've gotten so used to not feeling like myself that feeling worse isn't really that noticeable.

In the past couple of days I have been able to get things rolling again, at least sort of. Instead of sleeping all day, I've managed to clean my entire apartment and organize everything for my upcoming move. I even went grocery shopping, which was a large task since it requires 1) leaving the apartment and 2) pretending like I have an appetite.

On the bright side, this is quite possibly the best diet ever. I'm an emotional eater, usually of the overeating type. Lately, even when I'm hungry, I don't feel like eating. And, if I wait long enough, I usually become upset by something else, which takes my appetite away. So now I'm probably eating normal amounts. Once again, the past couple of days I thought were getting better because I craved junk food and I way overspent when I went shopping because everything looked so good.

I can't wait to feel like myself again. I hate wasting the beautiful days, not making progress on my cycling goals, not being able to get up when my alarm goes off, not wanting to be social and go out (despite having friends who are social for the first time ever) and a zillion other things. I feel like almost everything that is me is different, even my neatness standards. It's like a haze of laziness has settled in.

It'll be another week before I can really tell whether this medicine is working, but I'm hoping that having the energy to clean is a good sign. I also continue with my new counselor next week, who I also believe is very promising.

Here's hoping.

Fingers Crossed

I interviewed at Delta yesterday for a fuel systems engineer position. I hope I get it. Everyone there seems very enthusiastic and happy with their jobs, despite it being a semi-high stress environment.

My theory is playing with airplanes every day makes people happy.

Benadryl

I had a dream. In this dream, I dreamt that our old, awesome kitty Cougar had died. When I woke up in my dream, my sister told me he was still alive. Then when I woke up for real, he was still alive.

When I told my parents this story, my dad asked if I am on something. Yes, actually. This is a direct result of the grass pollen and the fact that I am practically made of benadryl now.

I heart NIN

Though it comes as a surprise to some, Nine Inch Nails is one of my most favorite bands and has been since I've been about 13 years old. I always liked the attempt to innovate and go against the establishment.

But now they've gone above and beyond. The new album, Year Zero, is extremely political in nature. It tackles the scenario of a 2022 America without any freedom. And I love it.

Finally they've taken the next step. Finally all that energy goes into more than just being depressed (not that it was wasted on me). Now I remember why I've been a fan for so long. Not to mention that the album is awesome, message aside.

Read about it here.