Drenched.

Something has to give. This has to be the bottom. I can't take it anymore.

The job. The working around the clock. My ideas getting hosed. The glass ceiling. Old men shooting me down, not on merit but because of power, of a show, because I'm young and female. Spending most of my time cleaning up someone else's mess, instead of using my talent to provide some good. And then? Then it continues. They don't get rid of the idiot, I don't rid myself of the idiot.

My boy. The one who has the power to turn even my worst days around. The one who gave me something to look forward to. The one I put so much into. I drank with him, traveled with him, skiied with him, cleaned up his puke, supported him, dragged my ragged ass all over this country just to see him. And, the very few times that I ask for a little back, that I asked for a visit because I was lonely; that I asked for a day in so I could rest; that I asked for a do-over because I was stressed: he couldn't find it in himself to give it to me.

Somehow he's forgotten all that I am. He's forgotten everything that we are together, everything that we have, how good it can be. And all I can do is hope that he remembers, that it dawns on him how awesome I am, that he can believe in me even when I don't. And I don't know how I can do that so far away.

I guess I can't blame him, so have I. I don't recognize this person either. Who is this girl? I'm not the kind of girl who is desperate for a guy to like her. The kind who doesn't want to go to work in the morning. The kind who sits in the bathroom at work crying. The one who can't focus and has headaches all the time. The one who is always tired, and is now lame. And flakey.

Something has to change. Things have to turn around.

Fire Hose

I feel completely hosed lately. I just can't win.

I poured my heart and soul into someone just to have them turn around and dismiss me like I was nothing. And not only that, but in the most hurtful way possible.

I work my ass off at work. But most of my time is spent fixing the shit that one idiot causes. And not only that, but I get stuck working my ass off when the bastard who caused it disappears.

I've been trying to get back to my life but it's hard when I have to pull all nighters.

I really need a change. Or this needs to be the bottom.

Today

Today is a little sadder than other days and a little harder, too.

Cursed.

'I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had.

I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true.

For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded...

...I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back.'

From The Holiday

Something to Believe In

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
So this is goodbye

I've been here before
One day I'll wake up
And it won't hurt anymore

Not Broken

Been alot that I've been through
I cried a tear a time or two
You know I cried some over you
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down

But that ain't enough to break me
Cuz I'll rise above it
And I'll pick myself up
And I'll dust the pain off my heart

And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Been alot of tears stained nights
I thought the tears were here for life
The hurt came on and held on tight
Took a chance, I took a fall
Love broke my heart and shattered all my dreams
But I won't be down on my knees
Cuz I'll rise above it
And I'll pick myself up
And I'll shake the rain out of my heart


Gonna pick my heart up
Take my life back
Shake the hurt away
Pull myself together, put the pieces back in place
I learned love's so hard
Love left my soul scarred
I was shattered inside


And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Watch Me Walk

Girls we gotta work it like we do
Turn a head or two
Cause we're worth it
So I ain't gonna waste my time waiting on you
Gotta make your move

You've had my number for two or three days or more
If you're a real man then you can't ignore this

Sometimes it's physical
But I want supernatural
I don't have wings but I'm ready to fall
I deserve it all

Headturner
Soul burner
Ya gonna watch me walk, then watch me walk
Headturner
Are you a slow learner
Come and take my hand
Cause I'll find another man

If you're gonna watch me walk, then watch me walk
Ya gotta earn it
Nothing in life is free you gotta bring your love to me
Emotional,  I got it
Sexual, I got it
Spiritual, God knows I've got it
What you want, baby I got it

No one can love you like I love you
No one can do the things that I would do to you
I'd do something about it if I were you
Or feel my heels as I'm walking over you

Vows

It seems like I got swept up by life and have forgotten to take care of myself. Unfortunately the neglect started to take it's toll on me. In order to prevent this from happening again, I've decided to make some vows/rules for myself so that when I get caught up, I can look back and remember.

1. Get enough sleep
2. Exercise
3. Eat healthy
4. Drink enough water
5. Slow down when I need to
6. Attend to my life, friends and family
7. Don't be afraid to ask for help
8. Put myself first
9. be more discerning about the people that i let in
10. don't give more to someone than they would be willing to give back to me

anyone want to add any suggestions??

Faith

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

When the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try baby
And have a little faith, faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here baby
From a whisper, start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me

Well, I've been loving you
For such a long, long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me

You see time, time is our friend
Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is
Have a little faith in me

I will hold you up
And your love gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me

Down In It

The problem with depression is, it comes on and you don't notice. It's hard to tell what is happening until it's too late. The changes come on gradually, and so subtlety, that by the time you notice you're already in deep.

And it's happened to me again. Despite all of my best efforts, $70 a visit to a therapist to prevent it and medicine, here I am again. I realized it after spending a week in Tahoe under an immense amount of stress (both emotional, mental and physical). I've been lonely and I've been neglecting myself. I've allowed work to chip away at me. I've run myself ragged.

On top of that, things then turned upside down even more so and the one person that I could always turn to, who before always let me work things out while being there for me, is not available. And on top of not being there, he's added to it.

Fortunately, thanks to the medicine, it's not that bad this time. I don't feel like getting out of bed, but I do. I don't feel like going to work out, but I do (with some encouragement).

Maybe with each bout, I'll get better at recognizing. I won't need to depend on friends or a therapist. Maybe I'll be able to prevent it, so that I don't end up in situations where I can't control my emotions. Situations that can and have cost me so much.

Happy Ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be


It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

If I wanted to work this hard...

...I'd go back to grad school. Here I am, sitting at a gorgeous resort in Tahoe, CA. Only I don't get to enjoy any of it because I'm here for a class. Which will have me working 24/7 (or 5, til we leave on Friday.) And this is reward for being a "promising, young engineer?" Nice. Already I've spent all of this beautiful afternoon doing homework, instead of enjoying the great outdoors. Oh well, maybe the bear warnings will help it not suck as much.

To add insult to injury, I am in the same state as my boy, but nowhere near the boy.

And interestingly enough, Michelle was on the flight this morning out to SLC. And so was my favorite (yeah, right) irrational frenchman Cyril.

Is it Friday yet?

The Flight From Hell

Yesterday I was on the flight from hell, number 752 from Denver to Atlanta. Scheduled to leave at 3:05. For the first time in a long time, I made the flight with no problem. I had a middle seat, but a little girl wanted to switch with me. Things couldn't be going better. Until they stopped taxiing and shut the engines down and pulled back into the gate. A flap indication problem turned into a computer malfunction turned into flying a part in from SLC on the flight arriving at 6:20pm. A beer and a few catch-up phone calls later, the plane was fixed and we boarded again.

This time, people were gone so I switched rows to a window. We pushed back... then stopped. Again. Seriously. Some other "lights" in the cockpit (they didn't say what and the logs weren't up yet when I checked.) 40 minutes and one soaked mechanic later, we were on our way to the runway... just in time for a huge storm to roll in and ground stop. Awesome

40 minutes later, nearly 6 hours after the scheduled departure time, we left Denver. Landed in Atlanta at 1am, in the door at 2am.

So much for trying to get home "early."

Suck-lympics

I have decided that the olympics in Beijing are a bunch of crap. From the crappy air, to no one being able to say anything to the freakin chinese government, to the cheating, scoring and seeding themselves number 1 in beach vollyeball...

still addicted to watching though.

Memories

John and I went to hand with some old friends and bid farewell to one who goes off to Europe for a year. It was great to see the old friends and reminisce with them about old times. A roast brought about memories long buried, of fun times and stressful times. And these are the friends who will stick together for a lifetime, who no matter how much time or distance separates, can always come back to that common ground: a couple of years of intense stress and lots of shenanigans along the way.

I did miss those who couldn't participate, and who played a big role in so many stories: Danny, Marni and Matt.

Take That, France!

The french swimmers had the audacity to say they were going to "smash" the American freestyle relay team... and of course couldn't put their money where their (notoriously) big mouths are.

Hey, France: Open mouth, insert foot.
 

Dreams and Things

I have been having the weirdest dreams. With random characters from past and present. I wonder how the mind works, to pull all of these people out of the depths of my memories and bring them back in dreams that are so real. I have been sleeping a lot so maybe that has to do with it.

I took a few weekends off traveling. To avoid travel burnout and to avoid the peak of travel season which has stranded many a friend in random places. Plus, my sinuses hurt.

I'm in the middle of a prolonged absence from the boy due to scheduling conflicts and a visit from his parents. It sucks.

I have an entire 5 day work week this week. It will be a challenge.

Back to Life

Wow, I can't believe it's been that much time since I updated. I'm just returning to my life today and I must admit I have a hard time accounting for all the time that has passed. One work week, then a weekend in Knoxville. Another work week, then a weekend chilling here in the Atl. Part of a work week, then back to LA for 5 days for the 4th.

I definitely have been missing my life a little, and missing my boy's role here in Atlanta. Sure, there's the novelty of the LA beaches and all the activities that come with it, not to mention really fun friends... but it's sad that I've spent more whole days in Danny's tiny LA apartment than my own new big one here.

This weekend I definitely have plans to stay here. Two weeks from now contain tentative plans to hit up Madrid, but I'm wishy-washy.... I wonder if the finances can support it. Not to mention, that'll make affording Rome and Mexico part 2 much harder.

At least I had one of the smoothest non-rev experiences of recent memory, being cleared on the flights I chose not at the last minute. Good stuff.

And here's to my first engineer's raise, a whole percent more than the average based on performance, and news that I'm "on track" for a promotion to senior engineer (and a 10% raise!) before the end of the year.

Couldn't come sooner... those 46k of students loans are just itching for my senior engineer salary....

Recap

Lots of things to recap.

I loved being Danny's squatter. Although I must say that I out did him - I cleaned, did laundry and washed dishes. In between episodes of Grey's, that is.

Mexico was awesome. The resort was beautiful, the tequila good, my boy wonderful, my spanish rusty, the sun sunny, the sunburn itchy. We were tempted to stay an extra day.

And the non-rev karma continues. First class both ways to PVR... then Monday stuck in LAX all day. Welcome summer.

Now I'm in my new place, needing to do my own laundry and cleaning. And not feeling very at home. Between a rock and hard place.

And missing my boy.

Ants in the Pants

I have ants in the pants, I can't wait for Friday. Instead of going to LA, coming back Monday then flying out again Wednesday, I've decided to eat up same vacation days and repay Danny some of his squatter debt.

I wonder if we'll still like each other after 10 consecutive days together.