Fading.

It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. 

And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little peices of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Roman Holiday

I joined my friend Krista in Rome for a few days. Not the smoothest of non-rev trips. My mom and grandma decided to tag along, only they didn't make the flight on Christmas Day. They next day didn't look good either, so they decided to go into Milan and take the train to Rome... only then the Rome flight opened up. But it was too late to switch.

Our attempts to visit the Vatican for free on Sunday were foiled by the gazillion other people who had the same idea. Did see the Forum, Il Vittoriano, Picasso exhibit, St Peter's, Trevi Fountain and the Pantheon. Didn't get a chance to get to the Colosseum close up, though.

I think the catholic church could've done so much more good for the world if they weren't so obsessed with spending a shitload of money on fancy stuff. Did get to see the resting place of my man JP... is it weird that there were people crying over him, nearly 4 years later?

Will miss horribly the pasta and sauce, cappuccino, and chocolate croissants. Wasn't thoroughly impressed by the Italians, though - a little pushy and not great with the manners. And Euros are expensive. And apparently it's perfectly acceptable for teenagers to spend their days riding the bus and making out. While chewing gum.

Flights back during the day suck. Although, it didn't suck that much in business class... I watched 4 movies.

good night

The Plague

Exactly one week ago I came down with some sort of the plague or sars or tuberculosis or something along those lines... I missed work for most of the week. I tried to go Monday, but they sent me home. I went to the clinic on Wednesday, and they forbid me from going back before Friday.

Danielle and I had to cancel her bday cruise, which I feel terrible about. Not to mention that this is a huge set back in terms of lung health for ski season, which is fast approaching with the first trip to Tahoe booked already.

Ugh.

Cranky Pants

Yesterday was one of those days. I woke up early, did some yoga, made my bed, had breakfast, made myself pretty, and was even ready for work on time! Then all hell broke loose.

All the daylight hours later I returned home from work. Only to become even crankier, because today I will take a short but way too long trip to Minneapolis for some meetings. Um, it's cold up there. Oh, and here. I just want to hibernate.

Not to mention that this trip will make me miss the only holiday party to take place this year. And thanks to the weather here we'll probably get delayed and/or stuck. Awesome. 

Oh... and when does that leave me time to catch up at work???

Dec 2 Sadness

It was 2 years ago today that we went down to the ACC championship. Good times, that entire holiday season. Today is another hard day. I never thought I wouldn't be celebrating today. That I wouldn't get happy thanksgiving, merry christmas or happy new year.

I'm stuck.

I can't get out of bed today or get you off my mind
I just can't seem to find a way to leave the love behind
I ain't trippin', I'm just missin' you
You know what I'm sayin', you know what I mean
You kept me hanging on a string, why'd you make me cry?
I tried to give you everything, but you just gave me lies.
Every now and then when I'm all alone
I'll be wishin' you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back, but you never do
I feel like such a fool, there's nothing I can do
I'm such a fool for you

And I can't take it what am I waiting for?
My heart's still breaking, I miss you even more
And I can't fake it the way I could before,
I hate you, but I love you, I can't stop thinking of you
It's true I'm stuck on you.
Now love's a broken record that's been skippin' in my head
I keep singing Yesterday why we have to play these games we play?
And I can't take it what am I waiting for?
My heart's still breaking, I miss you even more
And I can't fake it the way I could before
I hate you, but I love you, I can't stop thinking of you
Don't know what to do, I'm stuck on you.

Fade Away

Well you stole my heart
And I'll get it back
But look me in the eye babe
Tell me why ya gonna love me like that
Why ya gonna love me like that

Well I've walked this world
Five times or more
And after all this walking babe
You still got me crawling on the floor
crawling on the floor

And I know this world keeps on turning
Keeps me yearning

How can you turn and walk away
Pretending everything's okay?
How can you turn your back?
Tell me why ya gonna love me like that
why ya gonna love me like that?

Well I thought you'd listen
But I'm shattered like broken glass
Well I thought that we'd be different babe
Yeah, I thought that we would last
I thought that we would last
And I know this world keeps on spinning
Every minute that you're in it

Love me or leave me baby
but don't lead me on
With loving like yours
believe me i'm better off
I'm better off alone

I was your gypsy
Throwing diamonds at your feet
Drifting round you like a satellite
I gave you everything you need
Everything you need
And I know this world keeps on turning
Keeps me yearning and yearning

How can you just break away
Why can't you find the words to say
Love is something you work at
Tell me why ya gonna love me like that
Why ya gonna love me like that
How can you throw us away
Look at what you lost today
Now everything is shades of gray
And now you're pushing me away
Say all the things you want to say
Thought we were going all the way
Play all the games you wanna play
Slowly we just fade away

To Cat or Not to Cat, that is the question...

I'm thinking about getting 2 kitties. I've always been a cat person, despite the crazy allergies that I've developed over the years.

It was my first therapist's idea to get a cat, at which point Piper came to live with me for a while. It worked out pretty well, she cheered me up. But then I started traveling, which meant so did she, and she didn't like it as much as I did. So one time she didn't come back.

Now I'm thinking it might help me again, but a few issues:
1. what about my allergies?
2. what about my traveling?
3. will they be able to measure up to piper?

the allergies I can control... and if they're together, they can stay by themselves so long as they have food and a clean place to poo... and they are very cute...

... so what am I waiting for?

Witch Doctor

I go to this weird chiropractor every once in a while. He doesn't crack your bones so much as he works some sort of weird voodoo magic while barely touching you and fixes not only your physical pain but somehow aligns your chi or cleanses your aura or something along those lines.

For $50 it's not a bad deal.

I went today. I was long overdue. My back was hurting after Brazil. Then earlier this week my shoulder was out of place. He came up with 2 main things today... love and happiness. And he tells me to think about the equation and I don't know what happens but everything lets go. But I am always left wondering, how the heck does he know???

Anyway, now supposedly I'm aligned, at least physically if not emotionally, but it bummed me out a little, anyway.

I used to have it so together. What happened to me?

Or maybe I never had it together in the first place...

Drenched.

Something has to give. This has to be the bottom. I can't take it anymore.

The job. The working around the clock. My ideas getting hosed. The glass ceiling. Old men shooting me down, not on merit but because of power, of a show, because I'm young and female. Spending most of my time cleaning up someone else's mess, instead of using my talent to provide some good. And then? Then it continues. They don't get rid of the idiot, I don't rid myself of the idiot.

My boy. The one who has the power to turn even my worst days around. The one who gave me something to look forward to. The one I put so much into. I drank with him, traveled with him, skiied with him, cleaned up his puke, supported him, dragged my ragged ass all over this country just to see him. And, the very few times that I ask for a little back, that I asked for a visit because I was lonely; that I asked for a day in so I could rest; that I asked for a do-over because I was stressed: he couldn't find it in himself to give it to me.

Somehow he's forgotten all that I am. He's forgotten everything that we are together, everything that we have, how good it can be. And all I can do is hope that he remembers, that it dawns on him how awesome I am, that he can believe in me even when I don't. And I don't know how I can do that so far away.

I guess I can't blame him, so have I. I don't recognize this person either. Who is this girl? I'm not the kind of girl who is desperate for a guy to like her. The kind who doesn't want to go to work in the morning. The kind who sits in the bathroom at work crying. The one who can't focus and has headaches all the time. The one who is always tired, and is now lame. And flakey.

Something has to change. Things have to turn around.

Fire Hose

I feel completely hosed lately. I just can't win.

I poured my heart and soul into someone just to have them turn around and dismiss me like I was nothing. And not only that, but in the most hurtful way possible.

I work my ass off at work. But most of my time is spent fixing the shit that one idiot causes. And not only that, but I get stuck working my ass off when the bastard who caused it disappears.

I've been trying to get back to my life but it's hard when I have to pull all nighters.

I really need a change. Or this needs to be the bottom.

Today

Today is a little sadder than other days and a little harder, too.

Cursed.

'I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had.

I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true.

For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded...

...I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back.'

From The Holiday

Something to Believe In

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
So this is goodbye

I've been here before
One day I'll wake up
And it won't hurt anymore

Not Broken

Been alot that I've been through
I cried a tear a time or two
You know I cried some over you
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down

But that ain't enough to break me
Cuz I'll rise above it
And I'll pick myself up
And I'll dust the pain off my heart

And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Been alot of tears stained nights
I thought the tears were here for life
The hurt came on and held on tight
Took a chance, I took a fall
Love broke my heart and shattered all my dreams
But I won't be down on my knees
Cuz I'll rise above it
And I'll pick myself up
And I'll shake the rain out of my heart


Gonna pick my heart up
Take my life back
Shake the hurt away
Pull myself together, put the pieces back in place
I learned love's so hard
Love left my soul scarred
I was shattered inside


And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Watch Me Walk

Girls we gotta work it like we do
Turn a head or two
Cause we're worth it
So I ain't gonna waste my time waiting on you
Gotta make your move

You've had my number for two or three days or more
If you're a real man then you can't ignore this

Sometimes it's physical
But I want supernatural
I don't have wings but I'm ready to fall
I deserve it all

Headturner
Soul burner
Ya gonna watch me walk, then watch me walk
Headturner
Are you a slow learner
Come and take my hand
Cause I'll find another man

If you're gonna watch me walk, then watch me walk
Ya gotta earn it
Nothing in life is free you gotta bring your love to me
Emotional,  I got it
Sexual, I got it
Spiritual, God knows I've got it
What you want, baby I got it

No one can love you like I love you
No one can do the things that I would do to you
I'd do something about it if I were you
Or feel my heels as I'm walking over you

Vows

It seems like I got swept up by life and have forgotten to take care of myself. Unfortunately the neglect started to take it's toll on me. In order to prevent this from happening again, I've decided to make some vows/rules for myself so that when I get caught up, I can look back and remember.

1. Get enough sleep
2. Exercise
3. Eat healthy
4. Drink enough water
5. Slow down when I need to
6. Attend to my life, friends and family
7. Don't be afraid to ask for help
8. Put myself first
9. be more discerning about the people that i let in
10. don't give more to someone than they would be willing to give back to me

anyone want to add any suggestions??

Faith

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

When the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try baby
And have a little faith, faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here baby
From a whisper, start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me

Well, I've been loving you
For such a long, long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me

You see time, time is our friend
Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is
Have a little faith in me

I will hold you up
And your love gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me

Down In It

The problem with depression is, it comes on and you don't notice. It's hard to tell what is happening until it's too late. The changes come on gradually, and so subtlety, that by the time you notice you're already in deep.

And it's happened to me again. Despite all of my best efforts, $70 a visit to a therapist to prevent it and medicine, here I am again. I realized it after spending a week in Tahoe under an immense amount of stress (both emotional, mental and physical). I've been lonely and I've been neglecting myself. I've allowed work to chip away at me. I've run myself ragged.

On top of that, things then turned upside down even more so and the one person that I could always turn to, who before always let me work things out while being there for me, is not available. And on top of not being there, he's added to it.

Fortunately, thanks to the medicine, it's not that bad this time. I don't feel like getting out of bed, but I do. I don't feel like going to work out, but I do (with some encouragement).

Maybe with each bout, I'll get better at recognizing. I won't need to depend on friends or a therapist. Maybe I'll be able to prevent it, so that I don't end up in situations where I can't control my emotions. Situations that can and have cost me so much.

Happy Ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be


It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

If I wanted to work this hard...

...I'd go back to grad school. Here I am, sitting at a gorgeous resort in Tahoe, CA. Only I don't get to enjoy any of it because I'm here for a class. Which will have me working 24/7 (or 5, til we leave on Friday.) And this is reward for being a "promising, young engineer?" Nice. Already I've spent all of this beautiful afternoon doing homework, instead of enjoying the great outdoors. Oh well, maybe the bear warnings will help it not suck as much.

To add insult to injury, I am in the same state as my boy, but nowhere near the boy.

And interestingly enough, Michelle was on the flight this morning out to SLC. And so was my favorite (yeah, right) irrational frenchman Cyril.

Is it Friday yet?