Just in time

Yesterday and today I tried went riding with a new girl on the team, Stephanie. Yesterday I went on the AVX recovery ride, and today she and I went to Big Creek in Roswell to do some mountain biking. Afterwards I told her about my dance classes and she went with me!

I've been looking for a girl riding buddy for forever, and she's pumped about doing some riding. Which is awesome. She's a good mountain biker and just got a road bike recently. She comes in just the nick of time as I am (don't want to count my chickens)/was hurting for a riding buddy.

As awesome as all this is, though, I still wish I had a mentor. Someone to coach, motivate, push and answer questions. She and I are both newbies, so she won't be as useful as someone who can give me pointers. Although I'll be fine on my own, I do everything else in life on my own. It'd be really nice to have some support and encouragement in this venture.

Perhaps now my summer of speed can start.

Feeling Better?

The other day someone very close to me told me I've been "looking better." I took it as a huge thing. In a good way.

I still overreact and have a hard time being in control. But maybe I'm feeling better, because today, after being extremely upset, I left work early. Ok, that's not good and not that different from other days this summer. But just a little while ago I would've gotten into bed and cried the rest of the afternoon, evening and night away. I would've cancelled everything I had on the agenda, except for maybe snuggling with my favorite boy (who never fails to make me feel better).

Today, I'm going mountain biking. Then to hip hop class with Susan.

That's got to be a good sign, right?

Sick to my Stomach

When Bush vetoes a stem cell research bill because it's "unethical," I feel sick to my stomach.

It also happens when the vice president insists that he is not a member of the executive branch, in order to keep records secret.

This administration is awesome.

I laugh too much

What is your Sexual Obituary?

Filled with laughter, Livia died while in the sack with their lover, Akon. Livia will be terribly missed by Don Juan.

'What is your Sexual Obituary?' at QuizUniverse.com

Coming soon to an airport near you.

Call me Miss Delta. Starting July 16 I will be gainfully employed at Delta AirLines as a 767 operations engineer on the Propulsion Fleet Management Team for the 757-767-777.

That comes with a salary, flight benefits (ask me to visit!), health, 401 k and a flex schedule.

The Hip Thing

"Were my friends right? Had I crossed the line from pleasantly neurotic to annoyingly troubled?"
~Carrie, Sex and the City

That pretty much sums up how I feel. Annoyingly troubled. In this episode, Carrie's friends try to get her to go see a shrink. She says she thinks it's self indulgent. I saw a lot of myself in what she said.

The truth is, I know I'm "annoyingly troubled." So much so, that I annoy myself. I'd like to cross back over. To be in control. I've been taking the steps, but I guess they take time.

As for therapists, I recommend them. My sister once said something similar to what they said on the show. When Carrie argues that there is no point in paying a therapist when you could talk to friends then go out for a drink afterwards, Samantha points out they they all have problems and it's like "the blind leading the blind." So true.

Plus, an objective ear is always good. I'm sure even after my Tech treatment is over, I'll continue somewhere else. So yes, I'm one of "those" people, the ones with a therapist. It's the hip thing to do, right?

Perfect Girl

by Sarah McLachlan

Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
in your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
all your expectations bury me

Dont worry you will find the answer if you let it go
give yourself some time to falter
But dont forgo knowing that youre loved no matter what
and everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them round till Im the one who brings you down
Make me feel like Im the one to blame for all of this

You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
Youll find yourself allright alone
Youll find yourself with open arms
Youll find yourself youll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
cause I cant compete I cant deny theres nothing that I didnt try
how did I go wrong in loving you

Updated

Interview

My phone died right before my interview today. Later when I got home and plugged it in, I was inundated with calls and messages from many people wishing me well and wanting to know how it went. I had a message from Danny at 3:14, 3 minutes after I got in the car (although it didn't show up til later cause of the dead thing.) Even my sugar mama, the busiest and hardest to get in touch with woman on the planet, called me.

I was overwhelmed and touched by everyone's thoughfulness.

I think it went well. News in 1.5 weeks!

Fingers Crossed

I have another interview tomorrow, for a position I really want. I've been told the manager is "really receptive" to me. Still, I don't want to get my hopes up. Sometimes it seems like having things turn out the way I want after all this time and work will never happen. Like it's too much to ask.

I've told everyone I know about it. Maybe all of my support group pulling for me will send me good vibes or something.

Happiness is...

... spooning on a Sunday morning
... sleeping in late
... waking up to a bright smile
... stealing all the covers
... breakfast
... naps on the couch
... going out dancing and/or drinking
... staying in and watching movies
... making dinner
... lots of laughter
... unintentional double entendres
... a sore booty
... motorboats
... assembling furniture in the middle of the night
... going to get dessert
... el jimador margaritas with a salt rimmed glass
... pitchers of beer
... salsa class
... learning to play tennis in my little tennis dress
... and doing really active, athletic things, even though I suck at them
... fighting for the remote
... buying soda even though I don't drink it
... gross TMIs
... trying new things, like food I'd never usually eat
... taking trips
... my first trip out west
... making memories, both sober and drunk
... knowing a bad day doesn't count against me

Smack That

You know those dreams where you're falling and you kinda jump in bed? The ones that feel really real?

This morning I was dreaming that my sister irritated me, and for whatever reason (probably the violence/hostility symptom) I decided to smack her. So I did.

Except it landed on Danny. I woke up somewhere between lifting my arm and hearing the slap on his arm. He thought I was trying to wake him up. I thought it was funny. He disagreed.

However, now I can say we are even... from when he decided to Superman into bed while we were in Denver and punched me in the jaw. While I was sleeping.

Foursome

Regarding my post about Piper, I must make a retraction. I got a call this morning while I was in the shower that she re-appeared.

That little shit.

You Have To Take the Bad With the Good

That's what Danny told me when I was mid-meltdown the night after an amazing day of animal-gazing, cow-eating and wine-drinking. We had our 6-month date which included a surprise tour through ghetto-Atlanta, my first trip to the zoo in forever, and dinner reservations at Ruth's Chris for possibly the most expensive dinner of my life. And then I put in a very strong attempt at ruining it. But he was very understanding. Which is why he's awesome.

I suppose others either disagree, or think the good isn't worth it.

Well, I completely agree.

Except for when Danny uses that line after sticking his finger up my nose or in my ear. Then I think we're both crazy.

And Then There Were Three...

My kitty Piper has been missing for three days now. Although she is naughty and doesn't like to come in when she's supposed to, this isn't like her. She was wearing her tags and searches for her have come up with nothing. Due to the proliferation of coyotes in the area, I have to think the worst.

I'm very sad. She was my kitty. When she was a kitten, her nose started turning black. Except it never finished, so she just had a dot on it. And one in the roof of her mouth. When I lived at home, she would wait at the door for me in the evenings. I would walk upstairs to drop my bags off and she would follow me. She'd sit on my lap while I sat at my desk working on homework. The opening and closing of the cd drive fascinated her to no end. She loved her little rubber ducky and would steal the stuff dinosaur from me when I made it squeal. She loved sitting inside of things: bags, boxes, drawers, her little kitty tent. She hated the kids and would hide from them. She liked to get dirty outside and often came in orange as opposed to black and white.
I'm going to miss her a lot. I wish we could find her tiny body so that we could put her next to Ringo and Einstein.
Now there's just Cougar, Sabrina and Sam. And Cougar's time, since he is 20 years old, will soon also come to an end.

Conflict

Why is it that friends are always at their busiest and most stressed when you need them the most? Is this another one of life's little cruel tests? Where is the line between asking a friend to be there and asking too much? Is counting on them a sign of trust, or a sign of being too selfish and demanding?

Is it fair to ask one friend to cancel on plans because you "need" them? What if the person they are cancelling on also needs them? How do you decide? What about asking someone to skip something they enjoy to keep you company? It doesn't seem like a huge sacrifice... or is it?

This week, these past two days in particular, have been difficult.

And lonely.

Blessed.

I am one very lucky girl. Here's hoping I can always remember that.

Weekend

Friday: Partying in Dalton, a night of several firsts (but I missed my party buddy)
Saturday: Pirates and dinner with some of my oldest, best friends
Sunday: Cookout, Indy and Nascar watching, tennis and pool time
Monday: Ultimate, cookout, beach volleyball, waterslide time

At this point last year I wouldn't have been able to play as well (not that I played well anyway) because I wasn't in good shape. However, I did struggle with endurance. I suppose being a sloth for the past few weeks and having lower energy than usual didn't help.

These are the kind of weekends I live for. And yet, it was still bittersweet. Not everyone who should've been there was there, and their absence was noticed by many.

Breakthrough

Today, I made a breakthrough. I had fun. Mountain biking. Yep, me. The one who doesn't like mountain biking.

Previously, mountain biking was really tough on me. I wasn't comfortable on it. It was really tough aerobically. My inability to get enough oxygen made me feel dizzy. All the exertion made me feel sick to my stomach.

This was my third attempt to get out there in two weeks. The previous two attempts ended up in me sitting on my butt in front of the tv. But today, I felt a little like myself when I woke up (despite waking up extremely late) so I decided to take advantage and get out there.

I took it easy at first. I thought it was an enormous step for me to just be out there in the first place, especially mountain biking. It's something that even at my best I don't ever really feel like doing. But everything lined up today and I had a good time. My mission was to complete the easy loop in 6 minutes. At first I just told myself that it was a big enough deal for me to be out there and that I didn't have to push if I didn't feel like it. But on my next turn out, I looked down and saw the time and all of a sudden the competitive part of me that had been sleeping for a few weeks woke up and pushed. I ended up finishing that loop in 6:27, the next in 5:48 and the last in 5:19.

I'm really proud of myself, to the point of being ecstatic. And even more excited to feel a little like myself. I'm going to try to grab on to that feeling and not let go. Part of me wonders if it's the new medicine.

To my mountain biking mentor: Your patience and advice helped me to have fun for the first time since I made the semi-large investment in mountain biking. I'm excited that my better fitness, ability to breath and effort have begun to pay off. But more than that, you gave me a glimpse at what I am capable of, at who I really am, and at this time in my life that is invaluable. I look forward to giving some back when I am better.

Update

The first medicine I tried made me worse. When I mentioned this to friends, they said it was obvious. It was not so obvious to me. I suppose I've gotten so used to not feeling like myself that feeling worse isn't really that noticeable.

In the past couple of days I have been able to get things rolling again, at least sort of. Instead of sleeping all day, I've managed to clean my entire apartment and organize everything for my upcoming move. I even went grocery shopping, which was a large task since it requires 1) leaving the apartment and 2) pretending like I have an appetite.

On the bright side, this is quite possibly the best diet ever. I'm an emotional eater, usually of the overeating type. Lately, even when I'm hungry, I don't feel like eating. And, if I wait long enough, I usually become upset by something else, which takes my appetite away. So now I'm probably eating normal amounts. Once again, the past couple of days I thought were getting better because I craved junk food and I way overspent when I went shopping because everything looked so good.

I can't wait to feel like myself again. I hate wasting the beautiful days, not making progress on my cycling goals, not being able to get up when my alarm goes off, not wanting to be social and go out (despite having friends who are social for the first time ever) and a zillion other things. I feel like almost everything that is me is different, even my neatness standards. It's like a haze of laziness has settled in.

It'll be another week before I can really tell whether this medicine is working, but I'm hoping that having the energy to clean is a good sign. I also continue with my new counselor next week, who I also believe is very promising.

Here's hoping.