Cat Lady

I have always loved kitties, thus have always been at risk for cat lady syndrome. Well, now I'm on my way.

Meet my new houseguest, Piper.



If she likes it, she will stay.

Immaturity Ensues

And so the running away continues. The blocking, the threats about cops and restraining orders. As if any of these actions are a way of handling things.

Blocking and threatening won't change the status quo, or the past. It does, however, change how people view them. They go from this cool person to a complete drama queen. Hey, that's their perogative I suppose, but you'd think one would not want people to view them like that.

Meanwhile, the rumors are flying. Big blue balls? Preganancy? Mommy found a girl she approved of and arranged things? I love that of all the things I've heard, none of them have anything to do with happiness or being in love.

All of this lends much to my amusement... in between everything else that's going on.

Oh the places we'll go!

My flight benefits kick in Friday. I'm so excited... so is everyone I know who get to indulge with me. On the agenda...

September: Memphis, Cincinnati (for work), Mom's going to Brasil
October: Japan (to see Wendy!!), Harftord for work
November: Brasil
February: Carnival in Brasil!

On the list:
Bulgaria (to see Krista!)
Italy, Spain and probably the rest of Europe
New York
Las Vegas
California
Skiing at (but not limited to) Tahoe, SLC, Denver, Canada

This has to be one of the best benefits ever, especially for those who love to travel.

Crash Course in Corporate Culture

Not only is this my first real career based job, it is also my first time working for a large company. There are so many organizational charts and trees, with me at the very bottom. I have a manager, a senior manager, he has a manager, then there's the Sr VP of the division. And he reports to someone else who reports to someone else who reports to the CEO. If I wanted to climb the ladder, that's a long way to go.

I never imagined myself in this sort of situation, but I imagine it had to happen given the industry. So, given that I'm a novice to the world of corporate culture, this past week handed me a crash course, covering several different topics.

It started with the announcement of a new CEO. It caught many in the organization by surprise. Me? I'm new, I still don't know what's going on. Many had an allegiance to the young COO who captured the hearts of the employees during bankruptcy. Others had hoped for the CFO, who is a little more seasoned and also has quite a following, to take the helm. Many were shocked when the news hit that we're getting someone from the outside.

My general manager called a meeting to discuss the transition with our team. I appreciated his candor. Many expressed disappointment that it wasn't an "inside job." This organization prides itself on the ability of its workers to climb the ranks, to make a career for themselves. Bringing in an outsider cast doubt on many's hopes. Some, including the co-worker whose job I am inheriting, grab onto the negative: look where he worked previously, what people have heard about him. Others, including the coworker I hope will become my mentor, have a more objective perspective. The COO is young. The new CEO has a lot of experience, he did a good job previously considering the circumstances. Me? I guess I am lucky to have objectivity. My allegiances are growing, but I'm not extremely emotionally involved yet. The new guy? We'll wait and see.

Thursday afternoon brought a meeting request from the Sr Vice President of my division. The entrance into bankruptcy brought a lot of job cuts and shifting within the organization, but no reducement in work. This has overloaded the workers in my division. The managers say we're 10 bodies short of a lean organization. The Sr VP wanted to discuss the work load concerns. He was amused that I've only been with the company for a few weeks. He was awesome, I left with a warm and fuzzy feeling. He talked about values as an organization. How safety and compliance comes first, no matter what. Not even if it means delays and unloading a/c full of people. He talked about how we work as a team, about the importance of integrity, dignity and respect. But his last point took it home for me. He said we're a family, and that no member should ever get left behind, for any reason. Personal reasons, anything. He said he would break every rule in the book to make sure that our "family" is taken care of.

In a world of overpaid CEOs, this made me feel much better. I could've worked anywhere else. The benefits are beyond awesome, second to none in the industry. But not only that, now I can rest easy about my management.

I'm glad I ended up here.

Karma

Wendy: i would refuse to accept a ring that was meant for another girl
that's just cheap and horrible.

Agreed... unless one is old and desperate. Either way, forever another girl will wear a ring that was inspired by me. Flattering for me, pathetic for her. And for the guy who can't think up of something else to give the girl.

What a compliment.

Too amusing. Things can turn out better than you could ever hope or plan for.

He had me at Merry Christmas

Last fall was rough on me. I was going through a major bought of at that time undiagnosed depression. Will was gone a lot. I was under a lot of pressure, from school, from work, from Will. I was lonely. When he was around, it was a constant struggle of fighting his schedule. I was tired of compromising what I wanted and needed for a bicycle. Could I just dictate when we went and left, just once? Sure, personal goals are important. But maybe when someone is sinking, a little more effort should be given to them. I should've known when he deserted me the first time. Who does that? I forgave, only for it to happen again. If I married this man, would I be left alone when times got rough, simply because he "couldn't handle it?"

In a desperate attempt to keep my head above water, I forced myself to go and meet new people. Maybe they could cure the loneliness. They were wonderful, always willing to go out. I grabbed onto new things: racquetball, game night, you name it. I made more friends than ever. I grew tired of being asked where my boyfriend was.

These people lifted me. They didn't know the dark me, they just knew that I was ready for fun. I became the social coordinator. And Danny, he became the first one to respond to my ideas and always show up. I adored his attitude, that he'd rather go out and do something, anything, than sit at home. I couldn't help but be attracted to his fun-loving, easygoing, good-natured personality.

I was confused. I was so close to getting what I wanted: a husband whom I could always count on. Who could offer me the unconditional love and support that I had been lacking. But, Will wasn't it. It wasn't unconditional. I was expected to fawn over every attempt, to be deliriously happy when he walked in the door. Impossible for someone stuggling to keep their head above water, for someone struggling to keep their mind on the right path and control their mood. He didn't understand. There was more pressure, more guilt trips for not being happy. Like in that movie, I believed that a man has to be able to put his wife first. I had absolutely no confidence or evidence that would suggest that Will was capable of doing that.

I started to spend more time with the people who were more accepting of me. My feelings changed, but it was hard to let go. It always had been. He was the first person to give me a glimpse at what true support can be like, and that was invaluable to me. Too bad it had to fit into his schedule and life plans, not when I needed it the most.

I was still so unsure of my decision. Then one day, a sign that I had made the right choice. Christmas day, a message of good wishes from one, nothing from the other. Not surprising, but enough to confirm my suspicions.

And to this day I know that I made the right decision and I have no regrets. Especially given Will's new tendency to be a drama queen and his inability to handle things like an adult. I've had two serious meltdowns with Danny, one on an anniversary. Instead of being upset and giving me a guilt trip about not being happy, he just gave me some of the best hugs I've ever gotten. These meltdowns aren't held against me. He'll sit on the couch with me when I'm down, just watching tv, just accepting. He says not everyone can be strong all the time. This "kid" impressed me with his understanding.

It's nice to be able to be myself. And we've had so much fun, with so much more on the horizon. Skiing, cruising, golfing, playing tennis, partying. With so much more to come, especially with flight benefits kicking in. We match so well on our opinions of when to miss out and when to sacrifice for a life-long memory. The companion pass? Yeah, that would've been wasted on Will.

Coming and Going

While my most favoritest person on the planet has departed for a brief trip up to the land of not so f-ing hot, one of my other favorites has just returned from a prolonged absence. That makes me really happy, especially since after getting an email from me, they called at 7am to check-in.

I think we all could use a little more consideration and love like that in our lives, but I'm not going to lie. I'm in extra need.

Thankfully I'm blessed with many who are willing to pick up the slack from the others who constantly let me down.

Released

After catching wind of my "late" night yesterday, my manager insisted that I go home early, immediately after our meeting to go over the results of the late night. This was at 12.

I just got home, so as you can see that didn't happen. When it rains it pours.

I guess, in a nutshell, I am now working girl.
Right now working girl is going to go sit her ass on the couch and eat cookie dough.

Daylight

Today I worked literally from sunrise to sunset. Fortunately I saw the sun when my group went out for a goodbye lunch. My first long haul day at my new job, 13+ hours. Just a few weeks in, I have a huge task at hand. Come up with the fleet management plan for my fleet for the next 3 years. All removals, failures, etc. Millions of dollars at stake. No pressure.

It's fun. But I'm tired.

All in a day's work

As part of my training and learning for my job, they sent me to work in the shop with the mechanics one day this week. They were tearing down a contract engine for heavy maintenance. Not one in my fleet, but a variant.

IMG_5933
Originally uploaded by lcarneiro

It. was. so. cool.

I've always liked to get my hands dirty, be it fixing the bikes or changing the oil on my car. This was above and beyond. Massive tools to do certain functions. So many bolts and bearings. So much that the theory classes in school didn't even begin to hint about. So much dipping by the mechanics. No wonder, it's hard work.

They are skeptical of me. I am young and female. Two strikes. But, I brought donuts and homemade cookies. I am now their favorite engineer.

Desk Job?

I have a desk, and a job, but that in no way means I have a desk job. I do, however, have blisters on top of blisters. Fruitless comfortable shoe shopping and blister-healing band-aids.

Maybe it'll become more desk-jobish once I get into my regular tasks. Which is hard to do without my password that has been mailed to my house for security reasons. Seriously? Because someone is trying to crack into my work account and... book non-revenue flights?

The computer fairy visited me and now I have a shiny new hp laptop. It connects to a big gross monitor via dock when I'm in the office and to the network via VPN for working from home.

This, of course, is useless without said password.

Not withstanding, I like my job. So far.

Career Days 1 and 2

So. much. walking. This building is huge like whoa. They need street signs, because every corner looks the same. How do I get back to my car? So much confusion.

So many faces, all smiling. Glad everyone wears badges. And offices feature namplates. Cubes as far as the eye can see, and then more.

Airplanes just sitting there when I walk outside. Millions of parts. Who realizes that getting from A to B is this complicated?

My own nameplates. I have no computer. I have a phone, but it wasn't operational until today. I also have no cell phone reception.

7am is early. Dead tired. 8am meetings every day. Must find drinkable coffee. Hear the cafeteria has good breakfast. Yum yum.

Working Girl

Today I said goodbye to the lab and all the wonderful (and not so) people that I've worked with there over the years.

Bittersweet. I will miss my research, my cubemate, my coworkers, the flexibility. I will not miss the hours, the stress, the anxiety, the low salary.

Tomorrow, my career starts. The one I've been dreaming of for years. Well, not really... Thursday for real. Tomorrow my team is taking a team building trip to D.C.

How many people get to start a job with a trip?

The Downward Spiral

This must be what drowning feels like. Gasping for air, trying to keep your head above water as it becomes harder and harder. Water rushing in around you.

Hypersensitive. Everything cascades. I want to kick and scream and cry and carry on. Who is this crazy girl in my head? I'm tired. It's been months. Fix me already.

Not logical. Bottle it up. So much damage already. Who else will I lose if I let it out? It's lonely inside my head.

Mission: Shenanigans in the Bahamas - Accomplished

Friday

In true Danny and Livia traveling style, we cut it pretty close at the airport. To commemorate our Denver trip, we at breakfast at the same place with the late hash browns. Only, this time they weren't late, but our plane was, so we were fine.

Most eventful flight of my life. Seats so small even I felt cramped, which has only happened in a Cessna 152 before. Screaming kids all around. The one behind me keeps reaching behind the seat and kicking the back of my seat. I become irritated. Danny's irritated cause the kids two rows behind are screaming like the plane ride is a rollercoaster. The guy in the row in front of him is in the aisle, and I think what the hell is this guy doing? Then I see him pull out a box, it's a ring. How romantic, to propose on the no-frills low budget airline. But then I see the ring... after that thing, I could see why he might need to save money.

We make our way onto the Royal Caribbean charter and head to the port. Immediately I can tell this ship is nicer than the Carnival one. After a semi-long check-in process, we're on the boat. We immediately buy drinks in flashy cups. Then comes our first lunch, then pool time... with a bucket of beer. We "muster" - nautical language for practicing in case all hell breaks loose. Even this is more organized than the other cruise line. Back up to the deck to watch us pull out. Nothing like the wind in your hair, sun on your face and a drink in hand. Ahhh... vacation.

That night includes dinner with 2 old couples, some comedy, some drinking, some partying, some midnight snacks. Some gambling... this is not a real casino. Danny loses.

Saturday

The people next door are loud. I get up early for breakfast. Danny is not happy about this, but goes with me since he is such a good sport. We change and head up to the deck again. Mango tango in hand, we pull into Nassau. This is better than the time before, no rising at the ass crack of dawn to see the harbor. Not only that, but it's a beautiful clear day.

We go snorkeling. We pick the excursion with the free rum punch at the end. It becomes overcast, there is a storm over Nassau. Evidently God does not want me to be a snorkler. I stay in the water much longer. Fish are gross. Danny is amused that I keep asking him to make them go away. Eventually my approach is not to look, then I won't know if the fish are touching me. On the way back in, the skies clear up.

We wander around Nassau. Danny buys cigars out of a (fake) coach purse at the back of the straw market. I buy a fake coach purse. We're on the hunt for cheap liquor. I succeed in sneaking 1 bottle of rum up to our room, despite being caught.

Naptime, then formal dinner. Meat and wine. More drinking, wandering around. Shooting stars. Latin dancing. Getting down in the "disco" to the crappy dj. My judgement is impaired: I dance to one of those stupid line dances. We go back to the room and exact revenge on the loud people next door.

Sunday

Stupid people next door are loud again. Why does breakfast have to be earlier every day? I go by myself. We can see the parasailing out our window. We take the 'tender' over to Cococay. There is a drunk man, he keeps repeating GO GATORS! Hmm... must be related to Stewart. Floating on mats with a beer in hand... that's paradise.

Parasailing... one of the coolest things I have ever done. They almost don't let us go because of a thunderstorm and reported water spouts. We are the last people on our time to go. Luck is on our side. It's quiet up there, peaceful. Rough landing. Back to the ship.

Naptime, then dinner time, then losing $100 at craps. But I roll for the first time. No beginners luck here. A little dancing, a little wandering, a little more dancing, then an "early" night. It's hard to party hard every day.

Monday

I'm tired from my vacation. Breakfast is too early. I'm sad to leave the boat. Our bill comes, along with a heart attack. Long lines to disembark... I'm tired of people. Too early at the airport... again in true Livia and Danny traveling style. I finish Life of Pi. And start another. Finally, a small seat back to Atlanta.

Sick Day

I used to be sick all the time, but since my surgery I've been doing fairly well - a sinus headache here and there but nothing major.

Until my head cold. That has chosen the worst possible time to show up. I have a lot to do in the next few weeks, not to mention that the cruise is Friday and I want to make the most of it. Although, since my moodiness makes me feel lazy, this is a perfect excuse to actually be lazy, except that I can't motivate myself to send out my netflix movies, go to the store for more tissues and medicine, or fold the laundry that's been sitting there for days.

It's just me in my messy apartment with my bear, all the seasons of Gilmore Girls and my thoughts. Fun stuff.

Goodbye Grandpa

Today we say goodbye to my "Grandpa," Cougar. I don't know what else to say except that it's like losing a family member. Since I was a little girl, he's always been there. Getting into mischief, providing us with laughs and love. Probably the best cat to have ever lived. He let us put him in our baby doll cribs and carriages and dress him up. He knew when it was time for him to get his "kitty crack." And so many more memoreies.

That he's made it this long is a testament to his life, he was always strong, extremely alpha male, and I will miss him a lot. So, in pictures, here's to you Grandpa.

Cry Baby

The happy pills aren't supposed to make me happy all the time, but they are supposed to balance my mood. I'm not so sure they're working, because today when I went to get a refill the pharmacist was giving me a hard time (I was trying to transfer my happy pill so it would be more convenient for me to pick them up.) I proceeded to walk to the car and cry about it.

This comes after seeing the psychiatrist today to make sure 1. I was diagnosed correctly (bipolar seems to run in the family - and, for those skeptics out there, it's only treatable by medication) and 2. that I was being treated correctly. She was very helpful and confirmed that it's clinical, agrees with the medication, and made me feel a little bit better about the events of last week. She said she could understand my reaction given the circumstances and that it didn't necessarily reflect my overall mental state. I guess having someone acknowledge that makes it a little easier to not worry that I'm batshit crazy and let go of a little bit of the anger that I have towards myself.

That being the case... maybe I was always a cry baby. Is it normal, at least for me, to cry about things like that? Too sensitive maybe? Or maybe events of late have just set me back a little.

Either way, I'm ready to feel better.

Dead To Me

Today the Tour started. This year, I am short one watching buddy. And I am sad. Summer is my favorite time with this buddy, with watching in the morning and out riding in the afternoon. Except, lately, I couldn't oversee their flaws anymore. Years later, their self-absorbed nature and unwillingness to put others first finally got to me. These past few months have been really rough on me, and this buddy just added to it. Why miss such a jerk?

Not only added to it, but became toxic. Couldn't put themselves aside for one night to celebrate everything that I've been working towards for years. Made me feel bad about being depressed. The tears, hositility, irritability - all symptoms that have been improving - were just "tantrums" to this person. They had no compassion and made no effort to understand my situation. They threatened me, both verbally and physically. Then overreacted when I attempted to defend myself. As if any girl, when being physically intimidated by a guy much larger than her, would've just sat there.

I have a small support circle. It takes a lot for me to trust someone enough to add them. And, once someone is in, it takes a lot of disappointment to be kicked out. I'm still in a little bit of shock that I had to kick this person out. But, now that I think about it, they've always been this way. I just decided to overlook it before.

The good news is I can ignore them. Not only that, but with lots of hard work, therapy and medication I will and am going to get better. They, however, have no excuse for their behavior. That's who they are, they will always be stuck with that. It'll bite them in the ass and has already started to. Now they cannot count me, one of the most dependable, generous, caring and loyal people I know, as a friend. Not only that, karma will get them.

And, if not, maybe I'll help it along a bit.

Lost

Do you ever look at yourself and wonder, how did I get here? Is this really my life? I thought I was doing better, thought I was making progress. Now I have to admit to myself that there are worst parts of me than I thought, that I am more damaging than I thought. That is so disheartening.

What about all I've done to get here? On the brink of starting the life that I've busted my ass for. With friends who are so awesome that they make up for the support I should have in other places. With people who admire and respect me, those who like me. Are they wrong? Which part is really me? Do they deserve to be around someone so crazy, so toxic?

Life is really hard right now. I hate that I couldn't handle it, that I need help, that I "have a problem." I'm supposed to be tough. Supposed to be able to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and more. To admit to being broken is admitting that I am not who I thought I was.