Down In It

The problem with depression is, it comes on and you don't notice. It's hard to tell what is happening until it's too late. The changes come on gradually, and so subtlety, that by the time you notice you're already in deep.

And it's happened to me again. Despite all of my best efforts, $70 a visit to a therapist to prevent it and medicine, here I am again. I realized it after spending a week in Tahoe under an immense amount of stress (both emotional, mental and physical). I've been lonely and I've been neglecting myself. I've allowed work to chip away at me. I've run myself ragged.

On top of that, things then turned upside down even more so and the one person that I could always turn to, who before always let me work things out while being there for me, is not available. And on top of not being there, he's added to it.

Fortunately, thanks to the medicine, it's not that bad this time. I don't feel like getting out of bed, but I do. I don't feel like going to work out, but I do (with some encouragement).

Maybe with each bout, I'll get better at recognizing. I won't need to depend on friends or a therapist. Maybe I'll be able to prevent it, so that I don't end up in situations where I can't control my emotions. Situations that can and have cost me so much.

Happy Ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be


It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

If I wanted to work this hard...

...I'd go back to grad school. Here I am, sitting at a gorgeous resort in Tahoe, CA. Only I don't get to enjoy any of it because I'm here for a class. Which will have me working 24/7 (or 5, til we leave on Friday.) And this is reward for being a "promising, young engineer?" Nice. Already I've spent all of this beautiful afternoon doing homework, instead of enjoying the great outdoors. Oh well, maybe the bear warnings will help it not suck as much.

To add insult to injury, I am in the same state as my boy, but nowhere near the boy.

And interestingly enough, Michelle was on the flight this morning out to SLC. And so was my favorite (yeah, right) irrational frenchman Cyril.

Is it Friday yet?

The Flight From Hell

Yesterday I was on the flight from hell, number 752 from Denver to Atlanta. Scheduled to leave at 3:05. For the first time in a long time, I made the flight with no problem. I had a middle seat, but a little girl wanted to switch with me. Things couldn't be going better. Until they stopped taxiing and shut the engines down and pulled back into the gate. A flap indication problem turned into a computer malfunction turned into flying a part in from SLC on the flight arriving at 6:20pm. A beer and a few catch-up phone calls later, the plane was fixed and we boarded again.

This time, people were gone so I switched rows to a window. We pushed back... then stopped. Again. Seriously. Some other "lights" in the cockpit (they didn't say what and the logs weren't up yet when I checked.) 40 minutes and one soaked mechanic later, we were on our way to the runway... just in time for a huge storm to roll in and ground stop. Awesome

40 minutes later, nearly 6 hours after the scheduled departure time, we left Denver. Landed in Atlanta at 1am, in the door at 2am.

So much for trying to get home "early."

Suck-lympics

I have decided that the olympics in Beijing are a bunch of crap. From the crappy air, to no one being able to say anything to the freakin chinese government, to the cheating, scoring and seeding themselves number 1 in beach vollyeball...

still addicted to watching though.

Memories

John and I went to hand with some old friends and bid farewell to one who goes off to Europe for a year. It was great to see the old friends and reminisce with them about old times. A roast brought about memories long buried, of fun times and stressful times. And these are the friends who will stick together for a lifetime, who no matter how much time or distance separates, can always come back to that common ground: a couple of years of intense stress and lots of shenanigans along the way.

I did miss those who couldn't participate, and who played a big role in so many stories: Danny, Marni and Matt.

Take That, France!

The french swimmers had the audacity to say they were going to "smash" the American freestyle relay team... and of course couldn't put their money where their (notoriously) big mouths are.

Hey, France: Open mouth, insert foot.
 

Dreams and Things

I have been having the weirdest dreams. With random characters from past and present. I wonder how the mind works, to pull all of these people out of the depths of my memories and bring them back in dreams that are so real. I have been sleeping a lot so maybe that has to do with it.

I took a few weekends off traveling. To avoid travel burnout and to avoid the peak of travel season which has stranded many a friend in random places. Plus, my sinuses hurt.

I'm in the middle of a prolonged absence from the boy due to scheduling conflicts and a visit from his parents. It sucks.

I have an entire 5 day work week this week. It will be a challenge.

Back to Life

Wow, I can't believe it's been that much time since I updated. I'm just returning to my life today and I must admit I have a hard time accounting for all the time that has passed. One work week, then a weekend in Knoxville. Another work week, then a weekend chilling here in the Atl. Part of a work week, then back to LA for 5 days for the 4th.

I definitely have been missing my life a little, and missing my boy's role here in Atlanta. Sure, there's the novelty of the LA beaches and all the activities that come with it, not to mention really fun friends... but it's sad that I've spent more whole days in Danny's tiny LA apartment than my own new big one here.

This weekend I definitely have plans to stay here. Two weeks from now contain tentative plans to hit up Madrid, but I'm wishy-washy.... I wonder if the finances can support it. Not to mention, that'll make affording Rome and Mexico part 2 much harder.

At least I had one of the smoothest non-rev experiences of recent memory, being cleared on the flights I chose not at the last minute. Good stuff.

And here's to my first engineer's raise, a whole percent more than the average based on performance, and news that I'm "on track" for a promotion to senior engineer (and a 10% raise!) before the end of the year.

Couldn't come sooner... those 46k of students loans are just itching for my senior engineer salary....

Recap

Lots of things to recap.

I loved being Danny's squatter. Although I must say that I out did him - I cleaned, did laundry and washed dishes. In between episodes of Grey's, that is.

Mexico was awesome. The resort was beautiful, the tequila good, my boy wonderful, my spanish rusty, the sun sunny, the sunburn itchy. We were tempted to stay an extra day.

And the non-rev karma continues. First class both ways to PVR... then Monday stuck in LAX all day. Welcome summer.

Now I'm in my new place, needing to do my own laundry and cleaning. And not feeling very at home. Between a rock and hard place.

And missing my boy.

Ants in the Pants

I have ants in the pants, I can't wait for Friday. Instead of going to LA, coming back Monday then flying out again Wednesday, I've decided to eat up same vacation days and repay Danny some of his squatter debt.

I wonder if we'll still like each other after 10 consecutive days together.

Responsibility

I've decided to be lame and stick around here this weekend so I can pack. I guess it's the right thing to do since I haven't started yet. I guess it's not too bad since I will be traveling the next 6 weekends in a row.

In other news, Danny and I are going on a trip to Mexico. Damn, we live the life.

Return

The return trip always bums me out a little. Usually it's because I know I'll have to go days if not weeks without enjoying the awesome company of my boy in person. The crazy weekends, like our last trip to Knoxville or this past long weekend in Memphis, make me especially sad because we don't get any real QT together. And this weekend Delta added a little blow to my sadness but not squeezing us onto the same flight, thus preventing me from realizing much looked-forward-to dinner plans with the boy.

And it gets worse. I'm dreading the return to work tomorrow. After 5 days off, I can't seem to find reasons to go back. Do they pay me enough for this shit? Most certainly they do not. I made the mistake of checking my email and I know tomorrow will be hellish. If only I didn't give a shit. If only I didn't care that head-up-his-own-ass engineer wasn't going to park the entire international fleet with his stupid ideas.

Maybe I can learn not to. Maybe I can give up the benefits. Maybe it's time for change.

Stress

Life is stressful right now. I know that there are those who thought real life would be easier than school, and in some ways it is. But in other ways it's not.

I'm traveling Friday to meet my boyfriend's entire extended family at his brother's wedding (oh yeah, don't forget the meeting-the-family-complex that I acquired from previous boyfriend's redneck backwards family.) The summer crunch is approaching at work and I'm starting to feel it. The overbearing, disrespectful, idiot engineer that I have to work with continues to make my life a living hell. The decisions that he makes behind my back are making the summer crunch look like it's going to be worse and worse. Not to mention the abuse.

It's a lot right now. I think I'll take a personal day tomorrow. Maybe then I'll find some time to sit down and expand on the discrimination I face at work. Or that ex-bf complex. Or that I'm totally flasking it to the wedding.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

This weekend was hard on me, missing Danny wise. First it was cheesy chick flicks that made me want hugs so badly. Then it was shopping for dresses and playing Wii with friends. Then eating Matt's portobello mushroom-canadian bacon concoction.



Most of the time it's ok. Most of the time I like going to workout and cooking dinner for myself and having alone time.

But then sometimes it seems like there are a million things throughout the day that make me think of the boy and make me want to talk to him. Maybe it's because the last time we hung out, it wasn't really quality time so much as it was running around with people to see and places to go.

Then again, visits sometimes just make me remember what I'm missing.

All in all, though, I'm glad things worked out like this and I wouldn't take my decisions back for anything.


Is it Thursday yet? I don't know how you've done it all this time, Wendy Boone.

Go with the flow

Lately I've seen a lot of people settle into the life that we're all taught to want and have. Married out of college. Pregnant immediately after. No time to find yourself, enjoy life, see if your marriage will work, save cause kids cost an arm and a leg.

I am programmed to want this life as well, and I have to wonder how many people actually stop and think about things or whether they go through the motions of it all before they even realize what's happening. I understand more and more how people can turn around 5, 10, 20 years down the road and want out cause they only then realize or admit what they really want. The way things go with this society, I have to believe this is probably the norm.

My anonymous commenter on Wedding Season made some great points. To be honest? I'm still extremely pissed at Will. For many things. For never deserving or amounting to what I thought of him. For throwing away all that hard work in college, everying I did to pull him through undergrad and get him into grad school, by not getting a job in aviation. For throwing away his own dreams. For adopting someone else's life and beliefs without much questioning. I'm livid. Because I wasted so much time on someone who was so clearly clueless. In the end, he ended up being no different than all those flaky girls I struggled to distance myself from in high school and college.

I want more. More than a house, 2.5 kids and a dog in the suburbs. I want to see the world. I want to break through that ceiling at work and kick ass. I want to pay off my debts. I want extraordinary.

And then, after that, I'll settle for a few kids. But in the mountains somewhere, so I can teach them to ski when they're still in diapers

Picking Up the Pace

Yesterday I went to my first spinning class after a too long absence. At my new gym. While I didn't like the bikes, or the teacher, it felt like me. Getting up early and packing multiple bags because I wouldn't be home for forever.

Today I left work with another bag in tow, this time to go practice volleyball with my co-workers. Then I had to rush home to meet Danielle for dinner and ABC watching.

It feels like my old self. I've been living life in slow motion for nearly a year and now I'm starting to speed back up again.

I have to credit my boy. He has the lupus but has settled in to his adult life much better than me. He's riding his bike to work and going to the gym and playing volleyball and running 5ks. Me? I begged him to let me sleep.

But maybe I'll just pick up the pace little by little...

The Airline Biznass

Things have been pretty hectic and psycho at work. And that doesn't include any of the MD-80 madness or today's big announcement. All of a sudden things have been going wrong on the engine fleet I manage. Things are not going according to plan (yes, I have to forecast what shit will hit the fan before each year) and over the last 2 weeks I've had 3 oh shit moments, on top of the other crap I deal with on a daily basis. I'm WAY ahead of plan. And this is a case where being ahead is a bad thing.

The latest, which happened Friday at 10am has been the biggest challenge I've face so far. I'm still spending some QT with Daddy FAA to sort it all out.

And this, this is the quiet before the summer storm. Summer is the busiest time. And I expect even more stuff to hit the fan.

Not to mention the whole Delta taking over the world one airline at a time thing... at least I won't be bored for the next few weeks.

Wedding Season

My ex of three years (and probably two years too long) gets married today. If certain things hadn't happened, that would've been me. He had the ring. He had the plans. And me?

All I can think is Thank God it isn't me.

Things are so different, so much better. I could've ended up living in a house in the suburbs with a man who has no idea who he is trying to fit into a mold that he inherited from his parents. With some kids. And a dog.

But instead, I'm the the beginning of a career, kicking ass and taking names at my job. I've got a boy who, instead of just settling, is also kicking ass and taking names (and writing code) at his job. We live the life. We dream. We get to travel. Ski. Ride bikes on the beach. Go whereever. Drink whatever. See whatever. Laugh together. Get along together. Experience everything. Even the things that I like. Even the new things.

And? I think his family likes me. Or, if not, at least they are welcoming and inviting.

I have to send a thank you note to those friends whom I met in the fall of 2006. They taught me so much.

Thank god it isn't me.

Non-rev Karma

The non-reving world is a funny one. My multiple trips to LA have proven what an interesting and slightly stressful experience it is. There are times when it's the smoothest thing ever and others, well, you end up stuck in the Knoxville airport all day.

My first trip out I got the last seat on the plane, but only because there were groups of two and three that didn't want to split up. On the way back, I had to use up a precious S2 to get the middle seat on the red eye in order to get back in time.

The second time, I left work to catch the flight and it looked wide open. By the time I got to the gate, I was 50th on the list and had to run to catch the flight to orange county. On the way back, I got the a seat in the last row of a 777.

And this time. A hellish flying day in atlanta due to bad weather meant I was 39th on the list and the flight was delayed by an hour. I checked into two others just in case. And then? I got cleared for 1st class. I tried to get out on sunday, but my favorite flight back on the 777 was canceled which backed up the rest of the day. Monday put me on the flight leaving at 1115... it only had room because it was actually scheduled for 730 and ended up with lost of space after everyone deserted and stood by for the later flights.

They say it used to be much easier. Most of the times it's not bad.