Stress

This week I experienced work stress like I hadn’t in quite some time. I forgot what it’s like to be that stressed. I didn’t handle it as well as I used to. Before I cracked I could handle days and weeks in that state. That’s what ASDL was. So much stamina and triple venti lattes to do everything that everyone asked and eventually came to expect of me. I don’t have that strength anymore. Just a couple of days of heavy workload and I’m done. Today my mind is wasted. I remember nothing. I can’t pay attention. I’m broken. I need a day off.

My Life

Today I went to go meet my new head doctor. I must admit I've become attached to my current one and am sad to leave her, but I have a good feeling about this one (especially since she was recommended by the current one.)

The first meeting is just an overview get-to-know-you type deal where I try to summarize all that's in my life and why I feel like continuing...

... and in doing so I felt extremely lucky. I've accomplished a lot. I don't only have a job, I have an important job that I enjoy. I'm independent. Financially secure (or well on my way.) Accomplished (trilingual too!) A boy that I'm crazy about. Enough friends that counting by fingers and toes won't suffice: friends old and new, girl friends friends and guy friends, friends from work and from school, from near and far.

And it made me think. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have problems or need medication. What does it take to have it together?

And so I will continue, until the crying over spilled milk goes away and the little things no longer send me into a free fall.

And maybe I'll figure out more along the way...

Flight

"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
-DaVinci

No matter how many times I drive to the airport, go through the mess that is security, sit and wait, often on a late flight or maintenance, deal with the crowds, the people who can't read, I still love the flying part. I request the window seat (when I have the luxury of choosing, which doesn't happen too often when you fly standby) and spend most of the flight with my nose pressed to the window, despit knowng that my neck will cramp up later. When there are cities to look at, ocean, or even when there's nothing to see but sky. Or dark, with the lights of all the other airplanes in our crowded skies twinkling in the void or watching the spiderwebs of cities spreading out beneath me.

On the road again

Airport. Airplane. Up in the clouds. Another (crappy American) rental car, another hotel.

I’m on the road again for work. This time it’s better. Or worse. Waiting in the crown room with the boss, bud light in hand (at 2pm)? A plus. Traveling with the like such as man? Definitely a minus. Marriott? Step up from Cinci. Food? Yum. Open bar? Even better, I need another glass of wine.

This is my industry now. Without meaning to, I have stepped into a life. This isn’t just a jumping point, just something to pass the time while I figure stuff out. There is pride involved with getting people from A to B safely. There is concern when one of the ship numbers I know so well shows up on the pager. There is knowledge I’ve accumulated in my few short months, acquaintances I have made, ideas I have developed,. There is knowledge to be gained from the people who have been in this industry longer than I’ve been alive. They leave big shoes to fill, so much to inherit. There is room for improvement. So much that I could give with my skills.

This is my industry now. And it fits.

More ups and downs

The week ended with more ups and downs and so it continues. Today I'm at home on a personal day because boy is really sick and I am really worried. Despite it all, here I am, fretting over him and trying to do whatever I can to make sure he gets better asap.

Plus, his being sick will ruin all of my weekend plans. Blah.