Non-rev Sucky Experience #1

Danny, Aaron and I are currently sitting in the Knoxville airport. We've been here since 5:30am and it's likely we won't leave until 5:45. 12 hours.

Our 6 am direct flight to la guardia was overweight, so they left us off. Since then, between some great planning by Delta Connection and some awesome shafting by some gate agents, we've missed each flight since. Each flight has been oversold and/or overweight, and when there were two seats the awesome agent Bell offered them to a family (who declined) but refused to give them to us. No rewards points from me are coming her way.

The 545 flight is wide open, which will put us into LaGuardia at 12am. And to bed at around 1 or 1:30. After we got up at 4:30 to catch our wide open, overweight flight.

I blame CRJs. And Wendy Boone. And the best gate agent ever.

Ny, Ny... I'm trying!

February

So this is what it will be like come February. Just me and Piper. All of the things that I tell myself to make myself feel better will turn into things I miss. I won't come home anymore to a boy collecting coke and beer cans on my coffee table. No more grocery shopping and cooking dinner together, no more spooning, no more personal heater and no more big smile in the morning.

And I tell myself that it'll be nice to have a clean apartment, to not have a reason to rush home from work everyday, that it'll free up time for hobbies, reading, friends.

But the truth is, nothing will make up for the absence of my beloved squatter. And, until February, I have lots of time to dwell on that.

Holiday Stress

This holiday season was stressful. I usually enjoy Christmas shopping and wrapping. I'm on top of it all, finished weeks ahead of time, nothing missing.

Not this time. If it weren't for my sister, I wouldn't have finished at all. Between work and graduation and seeing everyone, I only had one evening to go shopping before leaving town. I had to leave her and my mom a list.

I also now understand why people worry about gaining weight. This is also the first time that I've felt like I've been eating for the past few weeks. There was food at work everywhere everyday between "grazing" and lunches with all different groups.

To be honest, I'm glad it's over with. Now I'm ready for the New Year!

Hey Sonny! Get a Clue!

I voted for Mark Taylor last year. The current governor, who won instead, CONTINUES to give me reasons to despise him.

1. What? Surplus? Yeah, let's keep reducing HOPE benefits. Especially since we know the lottery isn't profitable.
2. What? Surplus? No, the kids don't need healthcare.
3. What? No water??? Should we do something about it? Nah! We'll just pray!
4. What? No water? Economy heading towards recession? Should I work on it? No, I'm going to complain about football instead.

O Christmas Tree

If Danny and I were to have a christmas tree, it would be this one.

1 Year

It was a drzzly day many moons ago when some friends decided to take a trip to Jacksonville to support their football team. They stayed in a creepy hotel, got wet at the exciting 9-6 loss, and got drunk at the Landing.

And two found out they liked each other.

The rest is history.


1st Year Anniversary Flowers (accompanied by chocolate and a nice fondue dinner!

Good News Football

Today featured Chan Gailey (finally) being fired and me acquiring awesome tickets to the SEC Championship on Saturday.

YAY!

I have the best job ever

Yes, I get 2% towards my 401k then they match 100% of the next 5% that I contribute. Yes, the flight benefits are awesome. Yes, most of my coworkers are awesome. But those aren't the only reasons my job is awesome. For an aviation nerd, it doesn't get any better than this.

This past Monday, after going straight to work from the flight back from Brazil (in business class), a coworker informed me in the morning of a flight test on an airplane in my fleet an asked if I wanted to go. I almost turned them down: I'd just spent the entire night on a plane. But, what the heck.

It ended up being a great experience. I got to sit in the cockpit for takeoff, run around (which made me a little motionsick, especially during the turns) to help troubleshoot, and after that was done enjoy some peanuts (which I tasted for the rest of the day) and Sex and the City reruns in the comfort of business class.

And to think I get paid for this. To have fun. It's better than I could have hoped for.

The Motherland

I have returned from the Motherland. The trip was rushed, I didn't even get a chance to visit my hometown or any of the numerous Jesuses that Brasil is so famous for. I did however get to use my portuguese, eat til I was sick, enjoy those foods that I miss and meet family and friends that I adored.

I was sad to leave and I can't wait to go back.

Carnival here I come!

Inagural International Non-rev Attempt: Mission Accomplished

The ticket guy in the employe service center confirmed that we would be in business class, but I still didn't want to count my chickens, considering how unlucky I tend to be. Upon arrival I checked the ship number and sure enough, it was one of mine. Funny... I somewhat remembered that tail number for some reason. Some research told me that this was the plane that diverted last week for oil loss. Goody. At least it was fixed! Anyway, off we went in seat 1F and 1G. Everyone was right. There's no other way to go.

I was a little emotional. All that work, all that time busting my ass. Never an idea that it would lead to flying first class for free to visit my family for the first time in two decades. Life is good.

We were handed champagne when we sat down, we had a five course meal complete with a menu, wine, a linen table cloth for the tray table, real china and silverware, linen napkins and even our own personal salt and pepper shakers. And you're given a little travel kit with eye shades, socks, toothbrush and toothpaste, lotion and chapstick. So, following many glasses of champagne, red wine and port, I passed out (fully reclined, no less) in the middle of Hairspray.

I awoke over cloudy Brasil. I didn't see a thing until final approach. A little trip to the duty free shops and the acquisition of some cubans for boy and we were on our way. 5 hours, some traffic and a lot of ghetto later we arrived in the town that most of my family lives in, called Pouso Alegre. Following a massive lunch with some friends of my Grandma, we went to my great grandma's house to say hello. Four generations of the women in my family, sitting there all together. That was something else, even though she's not completely lucid.

A nap and dinner with my great uncle and aunt finished out the day. Now this whole time difference and not sleeping thing is catching up to me, so it's bedtime.

I'm still investigating that whole toilet flushing backwards thing. Thanks to boy for the reminder. And it seems that every town features a "big Jesus," aka a large "Cristo Redentor" statue. I still want to see the real one, though.

And back comes my native language...

Return to the Motherland

Today I embark on my first international attempt at non-reving (slang for using those flight benefits.) And, most appropriately, my inagural trip will be my long awaited return to the motherland south of the equator.

I'm looking forward to it in ways and not in others. I get to meet family and hopefully learn more about myself. It will be quick, and I have to return to work just 1.5 hours after we land Monday morning. I'll only get to see little Jesus, not big ass Jesus. Not to mention that my travel companion and I tend to butt heads a lot. Good thing my next therapy session is Tuesday morning.

Perhaps I will remember things that I have forgotten. Perhaps my portuguese will come rushing back to me. Perhaps I'll acquire an obscene amount of coffee.

Busy-ness

I guess it's the holiday season... and that means the craziness has set in. Well, actually it's been crazy for awhile, but it's about to get busier.

This weekend: Danny's interviewing in Cali while I'm having a girly weekend with some of my favorite gals at the Biltmore House in Asheville

Next week: Back to the motherland on Thursday to meet some peeps and retrieve the grandmother for Thanksgiving while Danny interviews with Orbital

Nov 24: GT-UGA!
Nov 30: Luciana's art show in Savannah
Dec 1: Thanksgiving part 2 with the TN people
Dec 2: The 1 year anniversary of me and the D Brady (can you believe it???)
Dec 7: Hopping party at the Atlanta Hilton thrown by a customer
Dec 14: Graduation #2
Dec 15-17: Graduation Trip?
Dec 26?/New Years: Probably to New York to see Kristy, ski and party!
January: The Land of the rising sun (mark your calendar, Wendy!) and back to Hartford to visit Sarah for her bday

In between there I have to work, find a dress for the party, acquire some ski boots and try not to let my apartment become even messier than it already is.

Here's to feeling like myself.

When It Rains

Today was one of those days. Those ones where you're dragging ass and that makes you late and you arrive to a gazillion voice mail messages to answer and meetings to attend and questions to answer and when you get a chance to finally take a minute to breathe and look at the clock you realize it’s almost time to go home. And it hits you. How exhausting and complicated getting people from A to B safely really is.

Another Day at the DAL

It's so freakin freezing in this place that my nose keeps running. It gets even colder on the way to the bathroom, so much so that I like to go there and let my hands run just a little under the warm water when I'm washing them. Yeah, ok, not too much since Georgia is running out of water.

I covered a task that is usually in the like such as man's jurisdiction since he's out today (not that that's a bad thing.) When I finished I called up the person who it was for to tell him it was done, to which he replied "thanks, Kiddo."

Seriously?

Stress

This week I experienced work stress like I hadn’t in quite some time. I forgot what it’s like to be that stressed. I didn’t handle it as well as I used to. Before I cracked I could handle days and weeks in that state. That’s what ASDL was. So much stamina and triple venti lattes to do everything that everyone asked and eventually came to expect of me. I don’t have that strength anymore. Just a couple of days of heavy workload and I’m done. Today my mind is wasted. I remember nothing. I can’t pay attention. I’m broken. I need a day off.

My Life

Today I went to go meet my new head doctor. I must admit I've become attached to my current one and am sad to leave her, but I have a good feeling about this one (especially since she was recommended by the current one.)

The first meeting is just an overview get-to-know-you type deal where I try to summarize all that's in my life and why I feel like continuing...

... and in doing so I felt extremely lucky. I've accomplished a lot. I don't only have a job, I have an important job that I enjoy. I'm independent. Financially secure (or well on my way.) Accomplished (trilingual too!) A boy that I'm crazy about. Enough friends that counting by fingers and toes won't suffice: friends old and new, girl friends friends and guy friends, friends from work and from school, from near and far.

And it made me think. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have problems or need medication. What does it take to have it together?

And so I will continue, until the crying over spilled milk goes away and the little things no longer send me into a free fall.

And maybe I'll figure out more along the way...

Flight

"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
-DaVinci

No matter how many times I drive to the airport, go through the mess that is security, sit and wait, often on a late flight or maintenance, deal with the crowds, the people who can't read, I still love the flying part. I request the window seat (when I have the luxury of choosing, which doesn't happen too often when you fly standby) and spend most of the flight with my nose pressed to the window, despit knowng that my neck will cramp up later. When there are cities to look at, ocean, or even when there's nothing to see but sky. Or dark, with the lights of all the other airplanes in our crowded skies twinkling in the void or watching the spiderwebs of cities spreading out beneath me.

On the road again

Airport. Airplane. Up in the clouds. Another (crappy American) rental car, another hotel.

I’m on the road again for work. This time it’s better. Or worse. Waiting in the crown room with the boss, bud light in hand (at 2pm)? A plus. Traveling with the like such as man? Definitely a minus. Marriott? Step up from Cinci. Food? Yum. Open bar? Even better, I need another glass of wine.

This is my industry now. Without meaning to, I have stepped into a life. This isn’t just a jumping point, just something to pass the time while I figure stuff out. There is pride involved with getting people from A to B safely. There is concern when one of the ship numbers I know so well shows up on the pager. There is knowledge I’ve accumulated in my few short months, acquaintances I have made, ideas I have developed,. There is knowledge to be gained from the people who have been in this industry longer than I’ve been alive. They leave big shoes to fill, so much to inherit. There is room for improvement. So much that I could give with my skills.

This is my industry now. And it fits.

More ups and downs

The week ended with more ups and downs and so it continues. Today I'm at home on a personal day because boy is really sick and I am really worried. Despite it all, here I am, fretting over him and trying to do whatever I can to make sure he gets better asap.

Plus, his being sick will ruin all of my weekend plans. Blah.

Rollercoaster

September 27

Down: No ge90 pic
Further: asshole tendencies
Up: Ge90 pic!
Down: bigger asshole tendencies
Up: hearing from Mrs Sanders
Up: chilling with the girls, open bar at the Reds game
Down: boy, lack of commitment

I am not one of those people who likes drama.

Training... or torture?

Today was torture. I didn't sleep well last night, added to the exhaustion from my extended trip on sunday and I completely passed out during the second lecture today. Whoops.

This morning;s speaker was good, but it was downhill from there. Lunch was even worse than yesterday: salads. Seriously? Hey large rather wealthy corporation who owns everything: you can do better than that.

On the bright side, I know everything they're talking about when they talk about design, etc. The mechanical stuff... not so much. And it's been hard to pay attention... Too bad that's the stuff I need to learn.

On the bright side, yesterday's entertainment was D&B and tonights was this awesome authentic German brewery thing, of which there are only two in the world. Good beer, good brats.

Two days down, 2.5 to go!

Tired and Toothpaste-less

Despite relative good luck non-reving up til this point (story to come soon), yesterday was a pain in the butt. I arrived at the airport 45 minutes before my flight, only to be told that I couldn't check my bag. Forgetting that there was a reason I wanted to check it, I tried to go through security. Oh yeah... the 6 oz things I packed. Oops. Not sure of the rules about skipping security when on business travel, I go out, get rid of stuff and go back through only to find that my plane has dispatched early leaving me and 6 other passengers sitting at the gate while they are pushed back and loading baggage. The next flight wasn't until 530, while my co-workers, who conveniently had the rental car, arrived in Cinci at 6pm. I arrived at the hotel at 9pm, after landing at 7 and taking a shuttle that took the scenic route out to nowhere, where GE is located.

All this, because of a tube of toothpaste and some shampoo. It's wasteful, thinking about the thousands of people who end up having to throw away perfectly usable stuff, not to mention that the terrorists are probably laughing at the barefoot oblivious americans while they plot something else that we couldn't possibly think to prevent.

Tardiness

I've been gradually leaving the apartment later and later for work every morning. Monday is was 7:05. Not ideal when my goal is be there between 7 and 715.

Today was definitely the worst. Last night was rough, I woke up around 2:30 am with a sinus headached. I decided to take some drugs and a hot shower to make it go away, which was successful. And, since I got a head start on my morning routine, I delayed my alarm to 5:55am (from the usual 5:30.)

Ok, that's all fine... except instead of hitting snooze, I hit dismiss. Next thing I know, it's 7:45am. I leave at 8am (no breakfast, no makeup, etc) and get caught in really crappy traffic. Who knew it got that bad? I finally arrived at 8:30am...

... and proceeded to stay til almost 6. It's a good thing I work a 9-80, because 8 hour days wouldn't be long enough.

Energy

I visited the psychiatrist again last Friday. I just can't seem to get moving in the afternoons, which kinda defeats the purpose of having an awesome job where I get home early.

She said it seems like most of my symptoms have receeded, but that the funny thing is that people usually get their energy to do things before their motivation. I have motivation... I think... but when I get home, it seems like all the energy and momentum is gone.

It's been a month since I've started working, so I figured I should be more or less adjusted by now, but it just isn't happening...

Meanwhile my lazy-bumness has been a disappointment for many friends, which makes me sad.

Cat Lady

I have always loved kitties, thus have always been at risk for cat lady syndrome. Well, now I'm on my way.

Meet my new houseguest, Piper.



If she likes it, she will stay.

Immaturity Ensues

And so the running away continues. The blocking, the threats about cops and restraining orders. As if any of these actions are a way of handling things.

Blocking and threatening won't change the status quo, or the past. It does, however, change how people view them. They go from this cool person to a complete drama queen. Hey, that's their perogative I suppose, but you'd think one would not want people to view them like that.

Meanwhile, the rumors are flying. Big blue balls? Preganancy? Mommy found a girl she approved of and arranged things? I love that of all the things I've heard, none of them have anything to do with happiness or being in love.

All of this lends much to my amusement... in between everything else that's going on.

Oh the places we'll go!

My flight benefits kick in Friday. I'm so excited... so is everyone I know who get to indulge with me. On the agenda...

September: Memphis, Cincinnati (for work), Mom's going to Brasil
October: Japan (to see Wendy!!), Harftord for work
November: Brasil
February: Carnival in Brasil!

On the list:
Bulgaria (to see Krista!)
Italy, Spain and probably the rest of Europe
New York
Las Vegas
California
Skiing at (but not limited to) Tahoe, SLC, Denver, Canada

This has to be one of the best benefits ever, especially for those who love to travel.

Crash Course in Corporate Culture

Not only is this my first real career based job, it is also my first time working for a large company. There are so many organizational charts and trees, with me at the very bottom. I have a manager, a senior manager, he has a manager, then there's the Sr VP of the division. And he reports to someone else who reports to someone else who reports to the CEO. If I wanted to climb the ladder, that's a long way to go.

I never imagined myself in this sort of situation, but I imagine it had to happen given the industry. So, given that I'm a novice to the world of corporate culture, this past week handed me a crash course, covering several different topics.

It started with the announcement of a new CEO. It caught many in the organization by surprise. Me? I'm new, I still don't know what's going on. Many had an allegiance to the young COO who captured the hearts of the employees during bankruptcy. Others had hoped for the CFO, who is a little more seasoned and also has quite a following, to take the helm. Many were shocked when the news hit that we're getting someone from the outside.

My general manager called a meeting to discuss the transition with our team. I appreciated his candor. Many expressed disappointment that it wasn't an "inside job." This organization prides itself on the ability of its workers to climb the ranks, to make a career for themselves. Bringing in an outsider cast doubt on many's hopes. Some, including the co-worker whose job I am inheriting, grab onto the negative: look where he worked previously, what people have heard about him. Others, including the coworker I hope will become my mentor, have a more objective perspective. The COO is young. The new CEO has a lot of experience, he did a good job previously considering the circumstances. Me? I guess I am lucky to have objectivity. My allegiances are growing, but I'm not extremely emotionally involved yet. The new guy? We'll wait and see.

Thursday afternoon brought a meeting request from the Sr Vice President of my division. The entrance into bankruptcy brought a lot of job cuts and shifting within the organization, but no reducement in work. This has overloaded the workers in my division. The managers say we're 10 bodies short of a lean organization. The Sr VP wanted to discuss the work load concerns. He was amused that I've only been with the company for a few weeks. He was awesome, I left with a warm and fuzzy feeling. He talked about values as an organization. How safety and compliance comes first, no matter what. Not even if it means delays and unloading a/c full of people. He talked about how we work as a team, about the importance of integrity, dignity and respect. But his last point took it home for me. He said we're a family, and that no member should ever get left behind, for any reason. Personal reasons, anything. He said he would break every rule in the book to make sure that our "family" is taken care of.

In a world of overpaid CEOs, this made me feel much better. I could've worked anywhere else. The benefits are beyond awesome, second to none in the industry. But not only that, now I can rest easy about my management.

I'm glad I ended up here.

Karma

Wendy: i would refuse to accept a ring that was meant for another girl
that's just cheap and horrible.

Agreed... unless one is old and desperate. Either way, forever another girl will wear a ring that was inspired by me. Flattering for me, pathetic for her. And for the guy who can't think up of something else to give the girl.

What a compliment.

Too amusing. Things can turn out better than you could ever hope or plan for.

He had me at Merry Christmas

Last fall was rough on me. I was going through a major bought of at that time undiagnosed depression. Will was gone a lot. I was under a lot of pressure, from school, from work, from Will. I was lonely. When he was around, it was a constant struggle of fighting his schedule. I was tired of compromising what I wanted and needed for a bicycle. Could I just dictate when we went and left, just once? Sure, personal goals are important. But maybe when someone is sinking, a little more effort should be given to them. I should've known when he deserted me the first time. Who does that? I forgave, only for it to happen again. If I married this man, would I be left alone when times got rough, simply because he "couldn't handle it?"

In a desperate attempt to keep my head above water, I forced myself to go and meet new people. Maybe they could cure the loneliness. They were wonderful, always willing to go out. I grabbed onto new things: racquetball, game night, you name it. I made more friends than ever. I grew tired of being asked where my boyfriend was.

These people lifted me. They didn't know the dark me, they just knew that I was ready for fun. I became the social coordinator. And Danny, he became the first one to respond to my ideas and always show up. I adored his attitude, that he'd rather go out and do something, anything, than sit at home. I couldn't help but be attracted to his fun-loving, easygoing, good-natured personality.

I was confused. I was so close to getting what I wanted: a husband whom I could always count on. Who could offer me the unconditional love and support that I had been lacking. But, Will wasn't it. It wasn't unconditional. I was expected to fawn over every attempt, to be deliriously happy when he walked in the door. Impossible for someone stuggling to keep their head above water, for someone struggling to keep their mind on the right path and control their mood. He didn't understand. There was more pressure, more guilt trips for not being happy. Like in that movie, I believed that a man has to be able to put his wife first. I had absolutely no confidence or evidence that would suggest that Will was capable of doing that.

I started to spend more time with the people who were more accepting of me. My feelings changed, but it was hard to let go. It always had been. He was the first person to give me a glimpse at what true support can be like, and that was invaluable to me. Too bad it had to fit into his schedule and life plans, not when I needed it the most.

I was still so unsure of my decision. Then one day, a sign that I had made the right choice. Christmas day, a message of good wishes from one, nothing from the other. Not surprising, but enough to confirm my suspicions.

And to this day I know that I made the right decision and I have no regrets. Especially given Will's new tendency to be a drama queen and his inability to handle things like an adult. I've had two serious meltdowns with Danny, one on an anniversary. Instead of being upset and giving me a guilt trip about not being happy, he just gave me some of the best hugs I've ever gotten. These meltdowns aren't held against me. He'll sit on the couch with me when I'm down, just watching tv, just accepting. He says not everyone can be strong all the time. This "kid" impressed me with his understanding.

It's nice to be able to be myself. And we've had so much fun, with so much more on the horizon. Skiing, cruising, golfing, playing tennis, partying. With so much more to come, especially with flight benefits kicking in. We match so well on our opinions of when to miss out and when to sacrifice for a life-long memory. The companion pass? Yeah, that would've been wasted on Will.

Coming and Going

While my most favoritest person on the planet has departed for a brief trip up to the land of not so f-ing hot, one of my other favorites has just returned from a prolonged absence. That makes me really happy, especially since after getting an email from me, they called at 7am to check-in.

I think we all could use a little more consideration and love like that in our lives, but I'm not going to lie. I'm in extra need.

Thankfully I'm blessed with many who are willing to pick up the slack from the others who constantly let me down.

Released

After catching wind of my "late" night yesterday, my manager insisted that I go home early, immediately after our meeting to go over the results of the late night. This was at 12.

I just got home, so as you can see that didn't happen. When it rains it pours.

I guess, in a nutshell, I am now working girl.
Right now working girl is going to go sit her ass on the couch and eat cookie dough.

Daylight

Today I worked literally from sunrise to sunset. Fortunately I saw the sun when my group went out for a goodbye lunch. My first long haul day at my new job, 13+ hours. Just a few weeks in, I have a huge task at hand. Come up with the fleet management plan for my fleet for the next 3 years. All removals, failures, etc. Millions of dollars at stake. No pressure.

It's fun. But I'm tired.

All in a day's work

As part of my training and learning for my job, they sent me to work in the shop with the mechanics one day this week. They were tearing down a contract engine for heavy maintenance. Not one in my fleet, but a variant.

IMG_5933
Originally uploaded by lcarneiro

It. was. so. cool.

I've always liked to get my hands dirty, be it fixing the bikes or changing the oil on my car. This was above and beyond. Massive tools to do certain functions. So many bolts and bearings. So much that the theory classes in school didn't even begin to hint about. So much dipping by the mechanics. No wonder, it's hard work.

They are skeptical of me. I am young and female. Two strikes. But, I brought donuts and homemade cookies. I am now their favorite engineer.

Desk Job?

I have a desk, and a job, but that in no way means I have a desk job. I do, however, have blisters on top of blisters. Fruitless comfortable shoe shopping and blister-healing band-aids.

Maybe it'll become more desk-jobish once I get into my regular tasks. Which is hard to do without my password that has been mailed to my house for security reasons. Seriously? Because someone is trying to crack into my work account and... book non-revenue flights?

The computer fairy visited me and now I have a shiny new hp laptop. It connects to a big gross monitor via dock when I'm in the office and to the network via VPN for working from home.

This, of course, is useless without said password.

Not withstanding, I like my job. So far.

Career Days 1 and 2

So. much. walking. This building is huge like whoa. They need street signs, because every corner looks the same. How do I get back to my car? So much confusion.

So many faces, all smiling. Glad everyone wears badges. And offices feature namplates. Cubes as far as the eye can see, and then more.

Airplanes just sitting there when I walk outside. Millions of parts. Who realizes that getting from A to B is this complicated?

My own nameplates. I have no computer. I have a phone, but it wasn't operational until today. I also have no cell phone reception.

7am is early. Dead tired. 8am meetings every day. Must find drinkable coffee. Hear the cafeteria has good breakfast. Yum yum.

Working Girl

Today I said goodbye to the lab and all the wonderful (and not so) people that I've worked with there over the years.

Bittersweet. I will miss my research, my cubemate, my coworkers, the flexibility. I will not miss the hours, the stress, the anxiety, the low salary.

Tomorrow, my career starts. The one I've been dreaming of for years. Well, not really... Thursday for real. Tomorrow my team is taking a team building trip to D.C.

How many people get to start a job with a trip?

The Downward Spiral

This must be what drowning feels like. Gasping for air, trying to keep your head above water as it becomes harder and harder. Water rushing in around you.

Hypersensitive. Everything cascades. I want to kick and scream and cry and carry on. Who is this crazy girl in my head? I'm tired. It's been months. Fix me already.

Not logical. Bottle it up. So much damage already. Who else will I lose if I let it out? It's lonely inside my head.

Mission: Shenanigans in the Bahamas - Accomplished

Friday

In true Danny and Livia traveling style, we cut it pretty close at the airport. To commemorate our Denver trip, we at breakfast at the same place with the late hash browns. Only, this time they weren't late, but our plane was, so we were fine.

Most eventful flight of my life. Seats so small even I felt cramped, which has only happened in a Cessna 152 before. Screaming kids all around. The one behind me keeps reaching behind the seat and kicking the back of my seat. I become irritated. Danny's irritated cause the kids two rows behind are screaming like the plane ride is a rollercoaster. The guy in the row in front of him is in the aisle, and I think what the hell is this guy doing? Then I see him pull out a box, it's a ring. How romantic, to propose on the no-frills low budget airline. But then I see the ring... after that thing, I could see why he might need to save money.

We make our way onto the Royal Caribbean charter and head to the port. Immediately I can tell this ship is nicer than the Carnival one. After a semi-long check-in process, we're on the boat. We immediately buy drinks in flashy cups. Then comes our first lunch, then pool time... with a bucket of beer. We "muster" - nautical language for practicing in case all hell breaks loose. Even this is more organized than the other cruise line. Back up to the deck to watch us pull out. Nothing like the wind in your hair, sun on your face and a drink in hand. Ahhh... vacation.

That night includes dinner with 2 old couples, some comedy, some drinking, some partying, some midnight snacks. Some gambling... this is not a real casino. Danny loses.

Saturday

The people next door are loud. I get up early for breakfast. Danny is not happy about this, but goes with me since he is such a good sport. We change and head up to the deck again. Mango tango in hand, we pull into Nassau. This is better than the time before, no rising at the ass crack of dawn to see the harbor. Not only that, but it's a beautiful clear day.

We go snorkeling. We pick the excursion with the free rum punch at the end. It becomes overcast, there is a storm over Nassau. Evidently God does not want me to be a snorkler. I stay in the water much longer. Fish are gross. Danny is amused that I keep asking him to make them go away. Eventually my approach is not to look, then I won't know if the fish are touching me. On the way back in, the skies clear up.

We wander around Nassau. Danny buys cigars out of a (fake) coach purse at the back of the straw market. I buy a fake coach purse. We're on the hunt for cheap liquor. I succeed in sneaking 1 bottle of rum up to our room, despite being caught.

Naptime, then formal dinner. Meat and wine. More drinking, wandering around. Shooting stars. Latin dancing. Getting down in the "disco" to the crappy dj. My judgement is impaired: I dance to one of those stupid line dances. We go back to the room and exact revenge on the loud people next door.

Sunday

Stupid people next door are loud again. Why does breakfast have to be earlier every day? I go by myself. We can see the parasailing out our window. We take the 'tender' over to Cococay. There is a drunk man, he keeps repeating GO GATORS! Hmm... must be related to Stewart. Floating on mats with a beer in hand... that's paradise.

Parasailing... one of the coolest things I have ever done. They almost don't let us go because of a thunderstorm and reported water spouts. We are the last people on our time to go. Luck is on our side. It's quiet up there, peaceful. Rough landing. Back to the ship.

Naptime, then dinner time, then losing $100 at craps. But I roll for the first time. No beginners luck here. A little dancing, a little wandering, a little more dancing, then an "early" night. It's hard to party hard every day.

Monday

I'm tired from my vacation. Breakfast is too early. I'm sad to leave the boat. Our bill comes, along with a heart attack. Long lines to disembark... I'm tired of people. Too early at the airport... again in true Livia and Danny traveling style. I finish Life of Pi. And start another. Finally, a small seat back to Atlanta.

Sick Day

I used to be sick all the time, but since my surgery I've been doing fairly well - a sinus headache here and there but nothing major.

Until my head cold. That has chosen the worst possible time to show up. I have a lot to do in the next few weeks, not to mention that the cruise is Friday and I want to make the most of it. Although, since my moodiness makes me feel lazy, this is a perfect excuse to actually be lazy, except that I can't motivate myself to send out my netflix movies, go to the store for more tissues and medicine, or fold the laundry that's been sitting there for days.

It's just me in my messy apartment with my bear, all the seasons of Gilmore Girls and my thoughts. Fun stuff.

Goodbye Grandpa

Today we say goodbye to my "Grandpa," Cougar. I don't know what else to say except that it's like losing a family member. Since I was a little girl, he's always been there. Getting into mischief, providing us with laughs and love. Probably the best cat to have ever lived. He let us put him in our baby doll cribs and carriages and dress him up. He knew when it was time for him to get his "kitty crack." And so many more memoreies.

That he's made it this long is a testament to his life, he was always strong, extremely alpha male, and I will miss him a lot. So, in pictures, here's to you Grandpa.

Cry Baby

The happy pills aren't supposed to make me happy all the time, but they are supposed to balance my mood. I'm not so sure they're working, because today when I went to get a refill the pharmacist was giving me a hard time (I was trying to transfer my happy pill so it would be more convenient for me to pick them up.) I proceeded to walk to the car and cry about it.

This comes after seeing the psychiatrist today to make sure 1. I was diagnosed correctly (bipolar seems to run in the family - and, for those skeptics out there, it's only treatable by medication) and 2. that I was being treated correctly. She was very helpful and confirmed that it's clinical, agrees with the medication, and made me feel a little bit better about the events of last week. She said she could understand my reaction given the circumstances and that it didn't necessarily reflect my overall mental state. I guess having someone acknowledge that makes it a little easier to not worry that I'm batshit crazy and let go of a little bit of the anger that I have towards myself.

That being the case... maybe I was always a cry baby. Is it normal, at least for me, to cry about things like that? Too sensitive maybe? Or maybe events of late have just set me back a little.

Either way, I'm ready to feel better.

Dead To Me

Today the Tour started. This year, I am short one watching buddy. And I am sad. Summer is my favorite time with this buddy, with watching in the morning and out riding in the afternoon. Except, lately, I couldn't oversee their flaws anymore. Years later, their self-absorbed nature and unwillingness to put others first finally got to me. These past few months have been really rough on me, and this buddy just added to it. Why miss such a jerk?

Not only added to it, but became toxic. Couldn't put themselves aside for one night to celebrate everything that I've been working towards for years. Made me feel bad about being depressed. The tears, hositility, irritability - all symptoms that have been improving - were just "tantrums" to this person. They had no compassion and made no effort to understand my situation. They threatened me, both verbally and physically. Then overreacted when I attempted to defend myself. As if any girl, when being physically intimidated by a guy much larger than her, would've just sat there.

I have a small support circle. It takes a lot for me to trust someone enough to add them. And, once someone is in, it takes a lot of disappointment to be kicked out. I'm still in a little bit of shock that I had to kick this person out. But, now that I think about it, they've always been this way. I just decided to overlook it before.

The good news is I can ignore them. Not only that, but with lots of hard work, therapy and medication I will and am going to get better. They, however, have no excuse for their behavior. That's who they are, they will always be stuck with that. It'll bite them in the ass and has already started to. Now they cannot count me, one of the most dependable, generous, caring and loyal people I know, as a friend. Not only that, karma will get them.

And, if not, maybe I'll help it along a bit.

Lost

Do you ever look at yourself and wonder, how did I get here? Is this really my life? I thought I was doing better, thought I was making progress. Now I have to admit to myself that there are worst parts of me than I thought, that I am more damaging than I thought. That is so disheartening.

What about all I've done to get here? On the brink of starting the life that I've busted my ass for. With friends who are so awesome that they make up for the support I should have in other places. With people who admire and respect me, those who like me. Are they wrong? Which part is really me? Do they deserve to be around someone so crazy, so toxic?

Life is really hard right now. I hate that I couldn't handle it, that I need help, that I "have a problem." I'm supposed to be tough. Supposed to be able to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and more. To admit to being broken is admitting that I am not who I thought I was.

Signing Cruise... I mean Bonus

Danny and I are going on a cruise! I've decided to half my signing bonus (aka all of it after taxes) on one last big trip before I join the real world. We'll be sailing on Royal Caribbean's Sovereign of the Seas to Nassau and Cococay, Bahamas. I'm excited, and I think he is too. After all, it encompasses most of his favorite activities: eating, drinking and gambling. One stop shop.

Sugar Mama

I have often referred to the mother of the kids I babysit as my Sugar Mama. She got this title by giving me awesome gifts like my ipod mini, her hand me down purses (including Juicy Couture and Coach), many gift certificates and lots of other stuff along the way.

This past Saturday she really pulled out the stops. I was driving us back to her house after watching the kids swim at GT (very awesome experience... the kids I taught to swim competing in the pool at my alma mater!) when she asked if we could run a few errands. After all was said and done, I was in possession of several really nice Ann Taylor outfits, old navy clothing and a gift certificate, new bedding for my bedroom, a new vacuum and gift certificates to Starbucks and Zaxbys.

I am just totally in awe of her generosity. I attempted to refuse payment for dog sitting this past weekend, but she insists. It's rare to come across such generous and caring people, and I feel very fortunate to have them in my life. Especially right now.

Just in time

Yesterday and today I tried went riding with a new girl on the team, Stephanie. Yesterday I went on the AVX recovery ride, and today she and I went to Big Creek in Roswell to do some mountain biking. Afterwards I told her about my dance classes and she went with me!

I've been looking for a girl riding buddy for forever, and she's pumped about doing some riding. Which is awesome. She's a good mountain biker and just got a road bike recently. She comes in just the nick of time as I am (don't want to count my chickens)/was hurting for a riding buddy.

As awesome as all this is, though, I still wish I had a mentor. Someone to coach, motivate, push and answer questions. She and I are both newbies, so she won't be as useful as someone who can give me pointers. Although I'll be fine on my own, I do everything else in life on my own. It'd be really nice to have some support and encouragement in this venture.

Perhaps now my summer of speed can start.

Feeling Better?

The other day someone very close to me told me I've been "looking better." I took it as a huge thing. In a good way.

I still overreact and have a hard time being in control. But maybe I'm feeling better, because today, after being extremely upset, I left work early. Ok, that's not good and not that different from other days this summer. But just a little while ago I would've gotten into bed and cried the rest of the afternoon, evening and night away. I would've cancelled everything I had on the agenda, except for maybe snuggling with my favorite boy (who never fails to make me feel better).

Today, I'm going mountain biking. Then to hip hop class with Susan.

That's got to be a good sign, right?

Sick to my Stomach

When Bush vetoes a stem cell research bill because it's "unethical," I feel sick to my stomach.

It also happens when the vice president insists that he is not a member of the executive branch, in order to keep records secret.

This administration is awesome.

I laugh too much

What is your Sexual Obituary?

Filled with laughter, Livia died while in the sack with their lover, Akon. Livia will be terribly missed by Don Juan.

'What is your Sexual Obituary?' at QuizUniverse.com

Coming soon to an airport near you.

Call me Miss Delta. Starting July 16 I will be gainfully employed at Delta AirLines as a 767 operations engineer on the Propulsion Fleet Management Team for the 757-767-777.

That comes with a salary, flight benefits (ask me to visit!), health, 401 k and a flex schedule.

The Hip Thing

"Were my friends right? Had I crossed the line from pleasantly neurotic to annoyingly troubled?"
~Carrie, Sex and the City

That pretty much sums up how I feel. Annoyingly troubled. In this episode, Carrie's friends try to get her to go see a shrink. She says she thinks it's self indulgent. I saw a lot of myself in what she said.

The truth is, I know I'm "annoyingly troubled." So much so, that I annoy myself. I'd like to cross back over. To be in control. I've been taking the steps, but I guess they take time.

As for therapists, I recommend them. My sister once said something similar to what they said on the show. When Carrie argues that there is no point in paying a therapist when you could talk to friends then go out for a drink afterwards, Samantha points out they they all have problems and it's like "the blind leading the blind." So true.

Plus, an objective ear is always good. I'm sure even after my Tech treatment is over, I'll continue somewhere else. So yes, I'm one of "those" people, the ones with a therapist. It's the hip thing to do, right?

Perfect Girl

by Sarah McLachlan

Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
in your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
all your expectations bury me

Dont worry you will find the answer if you let it go
give yourself some time to falter
But dont forgo knowing that youre loved no matter what
and everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them round till Im the one who brings you down
Make me feel like Im the one to blame for all of this

You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
Youll find yourself allright alone
Youll find yourself with open arms
Youll find yourself youll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
cause I cant compete I cant deny theres nothing that I didnt try
how did I go wrong in loving you

Updated

Interview

My phone died right before my interview today. Later when I got home and plugged it in, I was inundated with calls and messages from many people wishing me well and wanting to know how it went. I had a message from Danny at 3:14, 3 minutes after I got in the car (although it didn't show up til later cause of the dead thing.) Even my sugar mama, the busiest and hardest to get in touch with woman on the planet, called me.

I was overwhelmed and touched by everyone's thoughfulness.

I think it went well. News in 1.5 weeks!

Fingers Crossed

I have another interview tomorrow, for a position I really want. I've been told the manager is "really receptive" to me. Still, I don't want to get my hopes up. Sometimes it seems like having things turn out the way I want after all this time and work will never happen. Like it's too much to ask.

I've told everyone I know about it. Maybe all of my support group pulling for me will send me good vibes or something.

Happiness is...

... spooning on a Sunday morning
... sleeping in late
... waking up to a bright smile
... stealing all the covers
... breakfast
... naps on the couch
... going out dancing and/or drinking
... staying in and watching movies
... making dinner
... lots of laughter
... unintentional double entendres
... a sore booty
... motorboats
... assembling furniture in the middle of the night
... going to get dessert
... el jimador margaritas with a salt rimmed glass
... pitchers of beer
... salsa class
... learning to play tennis in my little tennis dress
... and doing really active, athletic things, even though I suck at them
... fighting for the remote
... buying soda even though I don't drink it
... gross TMIs
... trying new things, like food I'd never usually eat
... taking trips
... my first trip out west
... making memories, both sober and drunk
... knowing a bad day doesn't count against me

Smack That

You know those dreams where you're falling and you kinda jump in bed? The ones that feel really real?

This morning I was dreaming that my sister irritated me, and for whatever reason (probably the violence/hostility symptom) I decided to smack her. So I did.

Except it landed on Danny. I woke up somewhere between lifting my arm and hearing the slap on his arm. He thought I was trying to wake him up. I thought it was funny. He disagreed.

However, now I can say we are even... from when he decided to Superman into bed while we were in Denver and punched me in the jaw. While I was sleeping.

Foursome

Regarding my post about Piper, I must make a retraction. I got a call this morning while I was in the shower that she re-appeared.

That little shit.

You Have To Take the Bad With the Good

That's what Danny told me when I was mid-meltdown the night after an amazing day of animal-gazing, cow-eating and wine-drinking. We had our 6-month date which included a surprise tour through ghetto-Atlanta, my first trip to the zoo in forever, and dinner reservations at Ruth's Chris for possibly the most expensive dinner of my life. And then I put in a very strong attempt at ruining it. But he was very understanding. Which is why he's awesome.

I suppose others either disagree, or think the good isn't worth it.

Well, I completely agree.

Except for when Danny uses that line after sticking his finger up my nose or in my ear. Then I think we're both crazy.

And Then There Were Three...

My kitty Piper has been missing for three days now. Although she is naughty and doesn't like to come in when she's supposed to, this isn't like her. She was wearing her tags and searches for her have come up with nothing. Due to the proliferation of coyotes in the area, I have to think the worst.

I'm very sad. She was my kitty. When she was a kitten, her nose started turning black. Except it never finished, so she just had a dot on it. And one in the roof of her mouth. When I lived at home, she would wait at the door for me in the evenings. I would walk upstairs to drop my bags off and she would follow me. She'd sit on my lap while I sat at my desk working on homework. The opening and closing of the cd drive fascinated her to no end. She loved her little rubber ducky and would steal the stuff dinosaur from me when I made it squeal. She loved sitting inside of things: bags, boxes, drawers, her little kitty tent. She hated the kids and would hide from them. She liked to get dirty outside and often came in orange as opposed to black and white.
I'm going to miss her a lot. I wish we could find her tiny body so that we could put her next to Ringo and Einstein.
Now there's just Cougar, Sabrina and Sam. And Cougar's time, since he is 20 years old, will soon also come to an end.

Conflict

Why is it that friends are always at their busiest and most stressed when you need them the most? Is this another one of life's little cruel tests? Where is the line between asking a friend to be there and asking too much? Is counting on them a sign of trust, or a sign of being too selfish and demanding?

Is it fair to ask one friend to cancel on plans because you "need" them? What if the person they are cancelling on also needs them? How do you decide? What about asking someone to skip something they enjoy to keep you company? It doesn't seem like a huge sacrifice... or is it?

This week, these past two days in particular, have been difficult.

And lonely.

Blessed.

I am one very lucky girl. Here's hoping I can always remember that.

Weekend

Friday: Partying in Dalton, a night of several firsts (but I missed my party buddy)
Saturday: Pirates and dinner with some of my oldest, best friends
Sunday: Cookout, Indy and Nascar watching, tennis and pool time
Monday: Ultimate, cookout, beach volleyball, waterslide time

At this point last year I wouldn't have been able to play as well (not that I played well anyway) because I wasn't in good shape. However, I did struggle with endurance. I suppose being a sloth for the past few weeks and having lower energy than usual didn't help.

These are the kind of weekends I live for. And yet, it was still bittersweet. Not everyone who should've been there was there, and their absence was noticed by many.

Breakthrough

Today, I made a breakthrough. I had fun. Mountain biking. Yep, me. The one who doesn't like mountain biking.

Previously, mountain biking was really tough on me. I wasn't comfortable on it. It was really tough aerobically. My inability to get enough oxygen made me feel dizzy. All the exertion made me feel sick to my stomach.

This was my third attempt to get out there in two weeks. The previous two attempts ended up in me sitting on my butt in front of the tv. But today, I felt a little like myself when I woke up (despite waking up extremely late) so I decided to take advantage and get out there.

I took it easy at first. I thought it was an enormous step for me to just be out there in the first place, especially mountain biking. It's something that even at my best I don't ever really feel like doing. But everything lined up today and I had a good time. My mission was to complete the easy loop in 6 minutes. At first I just told myself that it was a big enough deal for me to be out there and that I didn't have to push if I didn't feel like it. But on my next turn out, I looked down and saw the time and all of a sudden the competitive part of me that had been sleeping for a few weeks woke up and pushed. I ended up finishing that loop in 6:27, the next in 5:48 and the last in 5:19.

I'm really proud of myself, to the point of being ecstatic. And even more excited to feel a little like myself. I'm going to try to grab on to that feeling and not let go. Part of me wonders if it's the new medicine.

To my mountain biking mentor: Your patience and advice helped me to have fun for the first time since I made the semi-large investment in mountain biking. I'm excited that my better fitness, ability to breath and effort have begun to pay off. But more than that, you gave me a glimpse at what I am capable of, at who I really am, and at this time in my life that is invaluable. I look forward to giving some back when I am better.

Update

The first medicine I tried made me worse. When I mentioned this to friends, they said it was obvious. It was not so obvious to me. I suppose I've gotten so used to not feeling like myself that feeling worse isn't really that noticeable.

In the past couple of days I have been able to get things rolling again, at least sort of. Instead of sleeping all day, I've managed to clean my entire apartment and organize everything for my upcoming move. I even went grocery shopping, which was a large task since it requires 1) leaving the apartment and 2) pretending like I have an appetite.

On the bright side, this is quite possibly the best diet ever. I'm an emotional eater, usually of the overeating type. Lately, even when I'm hungry, I don't feel like eating. And, if I wait long enough, I usually become upset by something else, which takes my appetite away. So now I'm probably eating normal amounts. Once again, the past couple of days I thought were getting better because I craved junk food and I way overspent when I went shopping because everything looked so good.

I can't wait to feel like myself again. I hate wasting the beautiful days, not making progress on my cycling goals, not being able to get up when my alarm goes off, not wanting to be social and go out (despite having friends who are social for the first time ever) and a zillion other things. I feel like almost everything that is me is different, even my neatness standards. It's like a haze of laziness has settled in.

It'll be another week before I can really tell whether this medicine is working, but I'm hoping that having the energy to clean is a good sign. I also continue with my new counselor next week, who I also believe is very promising.

Here's hoping.

Fingers Crossed

I interviewed at Delta yesterday for a fuel systems engineer position. I hope I get it. Everyone there seems very enthusiastic and happy with their jobs, despite it being a semi-high stress environment.

My theory is playing with airplanes every day makes people happy.

Benadryl

I had a dream. In this dream, I dreamt that our old, awesome kitty Cougar had died. When I woke up in my dream, my sister told me he was still alive. Then when I woke up for real, he was still alive.

When I told my parents this story, my dad asked if I am on something. Yes, actually. This is a direct result of the grass pollen and the fact that I am practically made of benadryl now.

I heart NIN

Though it comes as a surprise to some, Nine Inch Nails is one of my most favorite bands and has been since I've been about 13 years old. I always liked the attempt to innovate and go against the establishment.

But now they've gone above and beyond. The new album, Year Zero, is extremely political in nature. It tackles the scenario of a 2022 America without any freedom. And I love it.

Finally they've taken the next step. Finally all that energy goes into more than just being depressed (not that it was wasted on me). Now I remember why I've been a fan for so long. Not to mention that the album is awesome, message aside.

Read about it here.

Done.

My semester is over. I can't say that it ended well (my gpa will probably plummet), but I also can't say that I tried really hard. And this semester was rough on me and my motivation just wasn't there. So I'm just glad it's over. All that stands between me and my masters degree now is my special topics report and presentation.

Now hopefully I'll have time to catch up. Pay my bills. Upload the hundreds of pictures I've taken at all the cool things I've been doing. And, to write about them. There was Al Gore's speech, the Tour of Georgia, and Talladega this past weekend.

Today marked the beginning of Summer of Speed Part 2. It began better than Part 1 ended in the sense that I went on a group ride that I couldn't finish last summer and completed it. The bad news is I wouldn't have been able to without the help of others to pull me back up there. And that I thought I was going to pass out from riding at a heart rate of 190-195 for so long (my max is 198). It was discouraging because it is a "recovery" ride, but it is faster than any race I've participated in. We'll see how it goes next week.

Now it's time to go wash everything I took to Talladega and rehydrate.

Yesterday

Yesterday was the first completely good (bordering on great) day I've had in a while. Not many ups and downs, no crying spells. Man it felt good. Who knows if it's the medicine or my increased attention to my situation or both.

I'm shooting for 2 in a row.

Now Accepting Applications

"I think it makes a big a difference knowing there's at least one person in the world who has your back, no matter what. It doesn't have to be the same person for your
entire life, but everyone deserves at least one someone."
Everwood

I am now accepting applications for someone who is willing and able to fit this description, with an emphasis on the no matter what.

So far, I've been mostly disappointed by the people who surround me. Many have judged, belittled, made fun of me or have just been plain insensitive. Few have been understanding, patient, and accepting. This has been surprising, especially because of those who I expected more out of.

It'll be a long and hard road, but I have to believe that the ups will be better and more frequent than the downs. It just takes a little faith, some patience, and a lot of love.

Diagnosis

After trying since the beginning of this semester to see a counselor in the GT Counseling center, I finally had my first appointment this past Thursday. Diagnosis? Moderate depression.

There are many things going through my head right now. Why couldn't I have had an appointment sooner? So much would be better right now if I had. I am so full of regret and anger.

The diagnosis in ways has been good and in ways has been bad. Thank god this isn't because I'm a terrible person, thank god I'm not as weak as some think I am. But, on the other hand, I am that weak. And now this will require work for the rest of my life.

Most of my "friends" that I have told have made fun of me in one way or another. I can't blame them, because they don't see the symptoms. I don't show everyone the symptoms, because this will break the illusion of me being tough and strong. At the same time, though, it sucks. They don't understand or don't seem to be sensitive, which makes me feel lonely. And right now, I don't want to be alone.

They think I'm using this to get out of doing my work. Maybe I am, but at the same time motivating myself for every day is extremely difficult right now.

The one who does understand, doesn't want to sacrifice a little right now for better things in the future. That sucks too, but can I blame them? No. How much is too much? Well, I guess I am currently too much. Which helps the process right along.

Tuesday I go to the doctor to get my thyroid checked and to look into potential medication. I'm crossing my fingers about the thyroid, although according to a friend whose sister has similar problems, regulating the thyroid helped but still didn't fix it.

From what I've read, cycles can last for as long as two years. I don't think I've had major bouts that last for more than a few months, and even right now seems mild compared to the middle of Fall semester.

I'm tired and I want the easy solution.

Moral of the Story

I suck.

That is all.

Reasons I'm not a Pro Cyclist...

...and why I'm not sad about it.

Earlier this week I was planning a very long ride on the Silver Comet, perhaps the longest ever. This was a reflection of how much I've been enjoying the time on my bicycle lately and the desire to test my new abilities. Yesterday I canceled the ride because of the forecast weather... below freezing and gusting winds.

Now I'm sitting here inside, nice and warm, watching the coverage on NBC of the inagural US Open Championships. Those guys are riding in the snow today.

As much as I love riding my bike, I'm glad on days like today that I can opt out. Maybe that would change if I were getting paid for it... or maybe not. Hopefully that's not a reflection of my motivation, but a reflection of my desire not to suffer more than I have to.

Not to mention that I'm not nearly fast enough, but hey, that's just a technicality.

My Happiness Project

I have a new favorite website. Some of those articles sound like they could have been written by me. Anyway, after months of being down because of work and life in general, I feel like I'm finally starting to turn the page to a new chapter. Hopefully with the tips from that awesome site, not to mention other sources of help, I'll be able to make things stick.

Here's to my own happiness project.

Update

Back to Reality

Tomorrow morning I return to reality. I haven't been to the lab to work in almost two weeks (although, I did work on travel) and I can't say that I've missed it. In fact, returning from Colorado I was actually really sad and am even moreso now that I have to return to reality. Maybe it'll always be this way in life, or maybe it really says something about how unhappy I am with the status quo. April, however, should mark some changes or at least a slow down with contract work so hopefully I won't be too overloaded.

Past few weeks recap: fun birthday times, unfun trip to DC for work again, fun St Patty's day (although I regret not racing that day), and then one of the best trips ever out to Colorado for some skiing (more details about that later), and winning the beerfest beer pong tournament for Will's birthday. Good times.

24

This year I feel really loved. Best birthday (so far!) in a long time. Many thanks to all those who make me feel loved.

Chick Flicks

I just got back from watching Music and Lyrics. While the movie wasn't that good, like every other chick flick, it gave me the warm and fuzzies. This is why I think guys should want to go with their girls to these kinds of movies. I don't know about other girls, but they put me in a good lovey-dovey mood, and it'd be good to have boy around to lavish some affection on.

Since this isn't the case, the past few I've gone to have been with my good girl friends. And reaching over to hold hands with them isn't exactly the same thing. Will says that while my theory is good, it never worked with me. I maintain that it's because he always complained about them. No, she's not going to feel like snuggling if you're inspecting the theater for spider webs (this actually happened - just not to me).

I think I'll go snuggle with my bear now.

Uncharted Territory: I can beat people now*

So, this past weekend I went with the cycling team to Georgia Southern in good old Statesboro to do some racing. Racing for me has never gone well and previously my record is finishing next to last in 1 crit, next to last in 1 time trial, dead last in one road race and dropping out of a couple of other road races and crits.

I struggled with whether to go or not this past weekend and Friday night it seemed like I might have made a bad decision. I wanted to prove to myself that I cycle because I like it (and not for other past reasons), but traveling with a bunch of bitchy and disorganized boys tests my patience. But, my new mellowed out self decided to wait til the end of Saturday to decide whether it was a waste.

Saturday morning was the road race. 8 girls, including my new teammate Jenn. The 8 of us rode ttt style almost the entire time. My strategy was not to get dropped by the group. I was thrilled when I hit 10 miles and was still with the group (last year on the same course I had been dropped long before then, then I flatted). Not only that, but I could tell that I was stronger than some of them because my pulls were faster and also a little longer. By the time we turned for the last 10 miles it dawned on me that I was going to get to be a part of a sprint finish and I got really excited. I started thinking about where I wanted to be position wise and how I'd be able to make sure I hadn't just pulled so I would be fresh. We passed a guy who said the finish was a ways down and everyone just took off. I had fortunately placed myself in a good position, which managed to open me up and box in another girl. This paid off, and my new sprinting abilities helped me take third place (and I beat the much stronger UF girl, which was awesome)!!! I can't describe the feeling I had, but I can say it included an enormous goofy smile and a lot of emotions. This was a huge moment for me since I've always struggled when it comes to being athletic. It almost made all the crap that happens worth it.

Later that afternoon my new teammate and I did the team time trial, a first for the GT Cycling team. I really didn't want to ride it since I was pretty tired, but we did it for the team. I gotta say, I was pretty bored of the TTT by then, since that's all the road race was. Not only that, but Jenn died towards the end and I basically had to haul her back in. Regardless, we got a good time, almost the same as the A Vandy women, and I was impressed with how strong I am. I was irritated, however, that we had to ride almost 6 miles back to where we were parked. The boys went to go pick us up, but missed us so we ended up riding the entire way back. Very slowly.

The next morning was the crit, which I am not a fan of since they run all the women together. This pisses me off, but oh well. Our strategy was get lapped enough so that we get pulled (so that we could still get points), but then we discovered that they weren't pulling people. I was retarded and wasted a bunch of energy bridging a gap with the florida girl to get to the A women, which was futile since I can't keep up with them anyway. I stuck with the Brevard girl for a while, but then got dropped and grouped up with Jenn. Then we went back to the TTT practice, alternating pulls on each lap. My goal was to stay away from the slow Auburn girl, but that didn't happen and soon it was me and Auburn with Jenn out the back. Anyway, I did the bitchy thing and rode Auburn's wheel until the last turn after which I left her ass and beat her by a lot.

The rest of the team had a great showing also, which was really good. I really enjoyed actually getting to race, which was a first for me, although I know I will struggle on the hillier course this weekend. I am surprised and ecstatic at my own strength though, especially since usually after absences I struggle a lot. After this past absence, though, I've put in 5 really good rides, so here's hoping I can keep the momentum going. I think my body is finally adapting, as well as starting to look like it's adapting, so that makes me excited. I'm more motivated now to ride, but still unsure of whether I can commit like I did last summer. But it's good to know my Summer of Speed didn't go to waste, because it was rough and took a lot of dedication and determination.

Here's to not getting dropped this weekend and getting to sprint to a finish again... this time with spectators hopefully.

*Will's suggestion for a title, after being asked what I should call the entry about this past weekend racing. Other suggestions included but are not limited to: Going Slow as Fast as I can, Renovating my cottage of wattage and Using my cottage

Space Cadet

I don't know what is wrong with me lately, but I have been so forgetful. And I'm usually not. I usually pride myself for having a mind like a steel trap (not necessarily a virtue, as I have been told).

Today I realized I forgot to pay rent. Last week I forgot to go to a doctor's appointment. The week before it was homework.

This can only mean one thing: Either I've been killing too many brain cells or I'm in desperate need of a vacation.

Yay Again!

On Notice!

This is awesome.



I will probably continuously update as things piss me off.

Craziness

The craziness that is my life in the next few weeks.

Mar 3-4: Georgia Southern Cycling race
Mar 10-11: GT Cycling race (Newnan, GA)
Mar 13-15: Back to D.C. for work
Mar 17: UGA Race
Mar 18-23: Skiing in Denver!!!
Mar 31-April 1: Auburn Race

This doesn't include homework, tests, tutoring, fun, and my good friend Sarah coming for a visit.

History!

Let it be stated for the record books that today I, Livia Carneiro, beat one Will Evans, master of all things bicycle, up a hill. Strike that... up a few.

I made that hill my bitch.

The end.

Back in the Saddle... Again

This weekend was the first time I rode a bike in a few weeks and my first time outside on The Stig in over a month and a half. And, even though I suffered during and after, I must say, it felt good. I felt comfortable and at home and what's best of all, not too slow.

Makes me even contemplate giving up the fun lifestyle to work hard and be super motivated like I once was. For now, though, I'll just look to strike a happy medium. Which includes heading to Georgia Southern for a race this weekend, even though I probably shouldn't. This way, though, I know I'll actually get up and work out, as opposed to being distracted or lazy.

Stay in School!

It's nights like Friday that make me glad I stayed in school to make up for my previous lack of fun. The evening included drinks at Taco Mac, the Cheetah, and Waffle House. I'll probably never forget my first time in a strip club: girls dancing to nine inch nails, creepy old guys, and running into a guy I know. Even though I was DD (by choice... and I did a good job this time!) I still had an awesome time.

Por que?

I usually only listen to All Things Considered when I'm in the car, which hasn't been that often lately. But today I had the chance, and it was one of those days where they had a story that really moved me (almost to tears, which is bad in traffic).

Read about it here.

It begs the question: These teenagers are suffering... for what?

Spring Break

I just bought plane tickets out to Denver for the week of Spring Break. I'll be visiting an old friend in Breckenridge and doing some skiing on real mountains.

It won't be a traditional spring break type trip, cause we had a hard time finding people who wanted and/or could afford to go. I'm sure we could've gotten a group for a cruise, which is much cheaper, but my thoughts were been there done that.

I'm excited, it's my first time out west!

Home sweet home

I am glad to be home. I missed my own bed...

I think I would've been glad to come back thursday night. Not that I didn't have fun, just that there's incentive in coming back.

And I kinda like that.

Ice Ice Baby

The lovely person I am sitting next to just informed me that I haven't updated. So there.

D.C. so far: very icy and too much working but now yeungling, should've brought my snow boots, cold!, yay for watching the daily show, boo for watching grey's anatomy

upcoming: shopping, sightseeing, partying

Leaving... Again

Tomorrow marks the beginning of some more traveling for me. This weekend I'm headed to Sugar Mountain in North Carolina to do some skiing. It was a last minute thing, but I'm really excited and really glad I found some people who were willing to take a little trip!

Tuesday evening I leave for Washington D.C. I will be in Triangle, VA Wednesday and Thursday helping at a workshop for ONR Logistics. The rest of the team is set to return Thursday evening. I booked my return trip for Saturday afternoon, so as of Thursday evening I will be enjoying all D.C. has to offer with my soulmate Melissa and my good friend Cameron (who happens to be throwing a large party that Friday night!)

I won't return to work until Tuesday, Feb 20 because I've been invited to participate in Lockheed's Engineers Week Girl Scout workshop by the woman that I did some contract work for last fall. I'm excited, it's slightly reminiscent of the recruiting I used to do at Tech for girls.

Hopefully this little "break," even though it includes hard work, will help deal with the severe burnout I'm feeling at work lately.

Oh, yeah. And Valentine's Day is somewhere in the middle. :-)

Younger!

I was reminiscing (aka reading old posts) and came across this quiz so I decided to re-take it. Last time I got 30! I'm younger, yay!

Before I really liked being "more mature" than everyone, but I'm definitely digging the mid-twenties right now.

You Are 26 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Something New

I have a ticket to this year's Nascar race at Talladega. I'm really excited... it's been described to me (and confirmed by pictures) as a "Redneck Mardi Gras." I've never been to Mardi Gras, or a redneck event for that matter, so it should be interesting.

It's time like these when I see how much I've changed over the past few years. Or, at least my perspective of things has.

Lonely

"I think it makes a big a difference knowing there's at least one person in the world who has your back, no matter what. It doesn't have to be the same person for your
entire life, but everyone deserves at least one someone."
Everwood

My someones have often turned out to be no-ones, and that really sucks. The bright side is that I'm used to being "independent" and being able to take care of myself. That's a good thing, right?

Recap

Thursday: Flight to CT delayed for 3 hours, but there's snow on the ground when we land! I am astounded by my own patience. Not everyone was content to be sitting in the airport and waiting for so long. I enjoyed the time to myself.

Friday: The North... there are yankees and no sweet tea but this seems balanced by the abundance of microbrewerys. Everytime we pass a bar or pub we yell out "beer!" It's good to spend time with people who really know you. Successul outlet shopping excursion, quick view of Long Island Sound, beer and Pride and Prejudice round out a great day.

Saturday: Cold like I've never been cold before. The Mohegan Sun casino... the most extravagant place I've seen besides Atlantis in the Bahamas. Sad that I am too poor and too scared to play the table games, but probably good since I already lost so much at the slot machines. Casino buffets really are that good.

Sunday: Skiing! I was surprised that I was able to still do it... sorta. Still needs some brushing up. I can't wait to go again. Seeing 3 female engineers trying to learn to ski was possibly one of the funniest experiences of my life. Wish I had time to take a shower before my flight back. Saying goodbye was sadder than I thought. Back around 930... still no on-time flight.

Monday: Slept from 1-330am (ok, so the late bedtime was my own fault, but totally worth it). Back to the airport at 5 for my 630am flight to D.C. This flight is also late... because of snow in D.C.! Beautiful landing at Reagan with a view of the Capitol. The cold doesn't seem so cold after Hartford. All day meeting, then too many beers at the bar with the boss lady and a tipsy ride back to Atlanta. Sad to be so close to seeing my soulmate yet so far! Back at 8pm, the first of my 4 delta flights that is close to being on time... I should go to bed, but I go watch indoor soccer instead.

Tuesday: After doubling the amount of sleep I've gotten since Saturday night (but still only getting not even 6 hours), I can't remember for the life of me why I've set my alarm for 5:45am. Oh yeah... I have a 7am meeting. This new leadership role seems like it's going well. First I make coffee, then get donuts, then make more coffee, then find I'm paid less than a person who is now technically lower on the totem pole. I remember why I don't want to stay there.

I'm glad to be home.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Tonight I fly to Hartford, Connecticut to visit one of my best, longest friends from undergrad, Sarah. It will be my first trip on a jet since 2004 and my first trip alone in quite some time.

I'm excited to see her and to travel. I'm hoping to get to go skiing, to the casino and definitely hoping for snow! I'm a little sad to miss the weekend here but I know I'll feel better when I get up there.

Last Semester?

And so another semester has begun. This one, like the majority of my other grad school ones, should be easy. I have three classes: Human Decision Making (an IE elective), design and analysis of experiments (an IE course to satisfy a math credit... but I already learned this stuff) and special problems, which has to do with the decision making and my contract work. All in all, I have class from 3-6 on Monday and 3-430 on Tues/Thurs. By far the easiest schedule yet.

Whether this is my last semester of taking classes is still up in the air. Each day I go back and forth on the PhD thing. I aim to land on no PhD. Seriously, spending all of my 20s in school doesn't seem that appealing. Being compensated accordingly for my work does. Leaving all my work from the past 3 years doesn't. I intend on using the theory I learn in my decision making class to help with this one.

I leave on Thursday of next week to visit my good friend Sarah in Hartford, CT. This is the first trip I've taken on my own in a while. I'm excited to go see her, but a little sad to miss out on all the fun I've been having here. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to make the most of my upcoming fun here :-)

YAY!

That was an awesome game to be at.

Ringing in the New Year

With a ringing headache and a hangover. In a break from the past few years, I went out to a cocktail party at a friend's house. It was a great time, although I had way too much to drink and ended up being sick for the first time ever. In the middle of the street. Good times.

I did spend today how I intended. Hungover and watching football. Started with the Outback Bowl, then the Gator Bowl, then the Rose Bowl. Only the Rose Bowl ended up the way I wanted. And, even though Tech lost, I thought they played extremely well, especially when compared to the past few games. I heart Taylor Bennett and I'm looking forward to seeing him play more!

Tomorrow it's back to work... boo.