Lost

Do you ever look at yourself and wonder, how did I get here? Is this really my life? I thought I was doing better, thought I was making progress. Now I have to admit to myself that there are worst parts of me than I thought, that I am more damaging than I thought. That is so disheartening.

What about all I've done to get here? On the brink of starting the life that I've busted my ass for. With friends who are so awesome that they make up for the support I should have in other places. With people who admire and respect me, those who like me. Are they wrong? Which part is really me? Do they deserve to be around someone so crazy, so toxic?

Life is really hard right now. I hate that I couldn't handle it, that I need help, that I "have a problem." I'm supposed to be tough. Supposed to be able to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and more. To admit to being broken is admitting that I am not who I thought I was.